Well I hope there's someone out who can bring me back to you...

I was 3.4Ibs lighter on Friday than I am today, Tuesday.

And I can feel every ounce.

And it disgusts me, more than I can even put into words.

My mind is fucking with me, it embeds things that I know cannot be possibly true, but it makes me believe them. But they are not even lies about my body. They are lies that I would give anything to be true.

So sometimes I let myself believe them, when I get really sad. I will let myself escape in them.

So now I must go and cut into my leg to try and distinguish weather I actually am real or not...

x

I love you all quite a lot...

I really do, you are all cool!

I'm crap with replying to comments as I'm sure you've all noticed, but I read and appreciate every word. I promise I'll get better at relying to them.

Believe it or not I do love replying to comments, because I like being able to (hopefully) give support like you have to me.

I have gained weight the past couple of days, but I'm trying to remain positive. And I will lose it again very soon hopefully.

There are a few of you that I feel I 'know' better than others, and some who I exchange comments with more than others, and names I am more familar with (and the American spell-checker says that familar is spelt wrong and that spelt isn't a word, what the fucks-up with that!)

but I really do have a love for each and every one of you, that has said a nice word, given support or even only read my ramblings.

Seriously spell-checker is a bitch!

Any Americans out there, do you really not have 'spelt' as a word??

(Oh and just to say, I know that America and UK do have different spellings of words, and I'm not saying anything bad about that, just about how spell-checker is American when I'm in the UK)

Just wanted you to know I wasn't slagging anyone off lol, cause I love you all even if you do spell colour without a 'u' - Oh I've set of the little red line again....

xo

Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again...

I hate to say it again, but sorry.

I don't know why I always apologise but it's just something I do.

And thanks...again.

You are all truly wonderful!

I wish I could figure myself out, I really do.

I feel... well actually it doesn't matter what I feel because I 'feel'.

I think it has passed and left me alone for another little while.

I don't know why I get my 'sad times' but for now, I don't feel quite so, not there. When I get sad I feel like the last tiny part of me is being taken away, like my mind is all but gone.

Then I wake up and for no apparent reason, 'I' come back. I am allowed back.

I don't know if you can tell or not but this post is positive.

I have managed since Monday to eat a little bit less than the day before, which I'm quite happy about, and I have lost weight since Monday. Which I am also happy about.

I have set myself a weekly goal for the rest of November to lose 2Ibs every week. Although this is less than I would like, there is nothing to say I can't lose more, I just want to make goals that I can stick to.

So by the end of November I aim to weigh 99Ibs.

I hope to be able to comment again, and be able to write positive words.

I'm sorry again for being so miserable, you are all incredible and I feel so very lucky to be part of this little community.

I love you,

And I really do.

Tears...

Thank you, your comments made me cry. And I don't cry. I still find it hard to accept that you all care, but I appreciate it, A lot.

I hate to say it, but the only word I have to describe me right now is hopeless.

I feel very little at the minute. I would say I feel numb, but that can't possibly be a feeling, can it?

I have gone through periods like this before, where I'm a bit more unhappy than usual.

This will, I'm sure, like the others pass.

But until then I don't really know.

I can't even really be bothered stringing a proper sentence together.

I always said I would be in control.

But I'm not.

I'm really not.

This thing, whatever it is, is eating away at me, one tiny bit at a time.

She doesn't want me here, she wants me out of this body, so she can fix it and make it thin.

I need to do it myself fast or I will die, trapped inside this body, while she takes over.

I may have gone mad.

But to be honest,

I can't really tell.

Sorry...

I have become very unreliable, I say I am back then I leave again.

I say I'll blog more. And I don't.

I say I'll comment more. And I don't.

Sorry.

THE WORST FEELING OF ALL

IS SAID TO BE FEELING NOTHING AT ALL

FEELINGS PUT TO ONE SIDE

THERE IS NO WHERE TO HIDE

Nothing by Nathan Swensons

Not sure.

I write in my calorie book everyday.

I weigh myself everyday.

I record it everyday.

Nothing seems to be changing.

Except...

I feel a little bit sadder every day.

I lose a little bit more energy every day.

I lose a little bit more enthusiasm every day.

I love my little dog so very much.

She makes me feel very almost human.

She looks up at me with her beautiful big eyes.

She looks up at me just bursting with love.

I know by looking at her that I have an unconditional bond with someone.

Someone who will always be there.

Someone who will always be glad to see me.

Someone who makes me feel less worthless.

And all I have to do is walk her, feed her, give her water, clean up after her and let her sit with her head nuzzled under my jacket, holding her close when the fireworks scare her.

Oh and of course give her treats and the odd belly rub.

To my little Cassie, I am the most important person in her world.

Me.

Little old me.

I am her everything.

And she shows me this everyday by giving me a little lick on my chin.

That is the best feeling.

It's been a while...

Yeh so new laptop charger arrived, so I guess I'm back, this won't be long, I just wanted to let you know that I'm back.

Thank you for all the comments you left me, it still amazes me how much you all care even when I'm not here, so thank you.

I want to try and get up-to-date with all your blogs again, so I probably won't blog again until that is done.

Thanks again, you are all wonderful people and I love you all, quite a lot.

xo

Jus a lil update...

Sorry its been so long,buh my laptop charger is fucked. On my phone at the minute. Thank u all so much for your beautiful comments on my last post. My phone is retarded and wont let me post comments,buh i really appreciate every word. Still no luck on the job front but im wrkin on it! Still going to the gym and food is ok. Im maintainin at the minute which is better than gaining. Oh an i have a twitter so if u want to follow me, please feel free - RachelJHewitt
thanks again, hnpe your all doing ok. Talk soon