Moving under my skin, it's an addiction...

Things haven't been great, I've been eating, NOT binging but eating. So yeh not so great.

I'm going away with my best friend (Kate), her boyfriend and her dad tomorrow, we're going drifting and I'm looking forward to it. The weather here has been good this week, and it's March and it's Ireland, so this is really good. Hope it stays for tomorrow. It will be an early start as I've to get up and walk my wee dog, then we have to go and sort the car out, Kate's dad has a drifting car so we've to go pick it up and fuck it on the back of a trailor lol as it is not road legal.

It should be good, like drifting is fun too watch, but while it is the most exciting thing it also scares the shit outta me, sitting in the car lol.

I'm not really a girly-girl like I wear make-up and I want to look nice, but I don't really care if I get a bit dirty like. Tomorrow will be tramping through a field, messing my hair up from taking the helmet on and off all day, sitting on the ground, having make-up running all over my face, and just generally getting a bit mucky lol, but I couldn't be happier because everyone is there for the racing so no-one cares.

Me and Kate are ment to be organising an event for our college course, so we chose drifting, but we didn't realise that we actually had to carry it out - Anyway we're going to kind of cheat - A little bit.

Our teacher doesn't know anything about drifting and that you can't really just decide to do it - Because well it's illegal unless you have all the permission and shit, but she doesn't know that.

So tomorrow we are going to take loads of pictures and stuff and say that, that was our event.

We will still be putting all the work in like, we just won't actually be carrying it out.

I think it's good because everyone else is doing like table quizes and shit and everyone does that every year so we're being different - it's good.

Hope everyone has a great weekend - I'll let you know how we get on tomorrow!
I love you
X

Once a day don't you wanna throw the towel in? It's easier than putting up a fight

I don't know if anyone would want to know or not, but I thought I'd tell you a bit about when I was away for all that time. If you don't wanna get bored then leave now lol - This was your warning :)

I got my braces off (Not sure if I told you about this or not), but yeh - woo-hoo for me lol. I was sitting there and the dentist bitch starts cleaning away at my teeth and she is really ripping the piss, I made noises to the effect of 'what the fuck are you doing?' and she stopped and was like, 'eh do you smoke', so I said yeh, but not that much, she asked how many and I lied and said about 5 (I'm up to about 15, yeh I know tut tut me lol) and she starts into this whole rant about gum disease and then at the end she says, 'all you teeth will fall out', I say 'that's a bit extreme like', and she anwsers with, 'it'll happen'. I had all the crap round my face from what was used to take them off, so I was using the mirror to clean myself up a bit cause I looked like I'd rabis (sp) or something and she looks at my and goes, 'yeh you can go now... leave'. Fuck me like lol she made me laugh - I know it's bad smoking with braces but it's not her money like, she gets paid regardless.

I also got a boyfriend... briefly! Like a week... it was bad like. I've known him since I was 3 or so, and we've been drinking buddies since we were about 12, we're friends with the same people, ok you get the point lol. The first few days were really good, like it was nice to have someone, but then he started into right when are we having sex, and I'm not stupid , I know that's what most 17 year old do, but I can't bear to look at myself so the thought of letting someone else made me feel ill. I told him that if that's all he wanted then he could go fuck, he went on to say that he didn't care blah blah, but I knew he did, I did the stupidest thing, I TOLD HIM. I wanted him to understand. I told him that I could have sex with him, because I didn't want him to see me, he was confused so I tried to tell him that I had issue with food etc etc. He didn't get it, I don't think he even tried to. I knew that sex was all he was after and what he said back when I told him, was enough to convince me that he thought I was just a bit odd, that didn't particularly like food.

So yeh that was that. I feel I am safer off without a boyfriend because I know I could never give my whole self to anyone so it would be pointless even trying.

Oh and I got a job!! Yeh go me. It was only a Chirstmas temp but still it was good. It was in a high street shop I was working chirstmas eve, boxing day and the morning of new years eve. But fuck it, it was fun lol.

It didn't help with my eating habits though. I'm sure I buring a lot though, I was on the shop floor so I was on the move all day, I was running up and downstairs, I was sorting, tagging and hanging new stock and I was always moving it was great. But I was eating. The only place that was close enought to go to had never heard of healthy food apparently so I was having like pastries and buns and pancakes with maple syrup and other shit like that.

I think I was only eating like that because I needed the sugar, I was going to college, coming home, walking my dog, getting changed and going to work all afternoon/evening coming home walking the dog and going to sleep then getting up and doing it again. I wasn't used to doing so much and I think that if it had been a permanent job I could have lost a ton of weight because I would have gotten used to eat and would have needed all the high calorie/sugar foods.

Then new years eve it ended, I was no longer needed.

I also had the whole, starve/binge/purge/cut/starve shitty cycle.

I got my puppy too! I love her, she's like 6 months now, but she's still tiny - she was the runt of the litter but she's so cute, she like a lil sheep lol.

Anyway there's a lil update of some of the stuff I was doing while I was away. I no most uninteresting life ever lol.

I felt like writing (typing-you know what I mean) today - I have alot of posts to make up for.
X

Only run with scissors, when you want to get hurt...

The last 2 days haven't been great, I got sick, I'm not really sure what it was, maybe the flu but it wasn't nice, anyway my best friend felt sorry for me and bought me food, then my mum fed me up. Then today I eating stuff with lots of vitimins to make sure that I get over this.

My goal was to reach 99Ibs for my birthday - 7 days away... So yeh that's not going to happen but I'm not getting annoyed about it because that won't help anything I will just do what ever I can to lose the biggest amount of weight 7 days will allow.

Thanks again for all your support!
I love you guys.

Oh and Sarahs back - yeh! I''ve missed you so much missy!
X

Let them eat cake, she says, just like Marie Antoinette

I don't have long but I just wanted to let you know that so far 2-4-6 is going ok, I had 274 yesterday and will be a small bit over today - 430. I don't really mind though because I still think I'm doing well and I'm exercising so I don't feel too bad, but I will get my intake to the correct number.

Hope you're all doing ok.
I love you all, thanks for your comments, I really love reading them you all bring a bit of sunshine to my day (Ok that sounded awful cheesy but you do!)
X

If I could find a souvenir, just to prove the world was here, And here is a red balloon, I think of you and let it go.

Ok it's Saturday, the fridge is empty and I have hours upon hours of housework to do. I gotta feeling todays gonna be gooood!

I know I've said but thanks - You are all so wonderful! I need to get back to a few of your comments, but I have read them and they were all lovely, thank you.

I was out last night and it was really fun - And no alcoholic calories were consumed.
I went on a cruise - (I don't know if other places have this, but if not it's cars. Oh actually I think most places do but there probably called something different - Ok sori thinking out loud lol - Well if you do have this - were a whole pile a cars get together and stuff, then tell me what's it's called where you are)

Anyway lol, I had never been to one before and it was really fun, I had a really good night, and I talked to people I didn't know! That nevers happens - I am like the most unsocialable person ever like, so yip talking to new people is quite an achievement!

My mum has been on holiday the past week and is back tomorrow - So housework is most definately needed and a lot of it!

Oh I am going to be doing 2-4-6 as of today - Thank you to miss alisha! She is doing wonderfully well btw. Oh and if your not following her then what are ya at like - I can't do links but she is over there >>> I think, in the followers bit - So yeh, go, follow.
X

My puppy's name is Cassie...

I don't even have the words to explain how I felt when I saw the comments under my last post. I genuinely did not expect anyone to read, but thank you - It means so much.
I still have to get back a couple of those comments.

I suppose I should tell you where I'm at - I haven't lost any weight, in fact I think I may have put on a pound. I am around 108Ibs but I feel I look thinner than before. Like I'm more toned than before, I can feel and see my hips and ribs more than before.

I am doing an awful lot better with exercise, I am doing so much more, like I walk a lot with Cassie, I do push-ups, sit-ups and crunches. I went to the gym for a few weeks as well with my friend but we don't really go that much any more because we're broke. I just feel generally more active which is good I suppose.

I have gone through the whole cycle of starving-binging-purging-cutting-starving etc. But in this past week or so I've been a lot better, like I can control myself a lot better, I have fasted, I have had a day of 300 calories etc, etc. I don't feel the need to eat everything on my plate anymore.

I am still having my phases of horrible depression, positive, happier times, you know a mix of more or less everything.

Okay, I have a goal. In 2 weeks I will turn 18, I am determined to enter adulthood weighing nothing more than 99Ibs - So yeh there it is.

I am happy to be back I really am, than you all for welcoming me back - your all so lovely.
X

Wow....

I was going to leave this until February 28 because that will be the day that my blog is one year old, but here we are.

I suppose I should get straight to it - I left, not because I wanted to but because everyone here is so so supportive even when I had fucked up beyond belief, everytime I came on blogger one of you beautiful people had left me yet another lovely, supportive or kind comment. I kept telling you how shit I'd done and I was sick of it, I was sick of having to talk of my failures.

But I miss you, I miss all of you.

I would be amazed if any of you read this - I do not deserve it.

Thank you to you all. I seem to have gained followers since I've been away, so thank you to you if you are new and thank you to you for sticking by me and continuing to follow me.

I will not bore you with things I've been doing while I've been away, the only important thing I will say is that I got a puppy, she is 6 months now and although it sounds stupid, she is my world.
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