Wednesday, 29 May 2013
Blogs I mean.
New blog, new account.
I always wanted to keep this one, with every post intact from beginning to end. Wherever the end might be. But ive been gone from here too long. People have dissapeared and Ive read that one of the girls i follow here has died. This saddens me greatly, and I feel awful for all who she left behind.
Her friend posted on her blog to tell us and urged us to stop. I know that should be enough but for my warped mind, unfortunately its not.
I loved this community, so much. I hate the reason we were all here but I loved it nonetheless. There was no jealousy, no harmful words (apart from the odd anon incedent) just kind words and understanding. I cant thank you all enough for that, I love each and every one of you.
But I think I need to move on somewhere else.
I will post a link if there are any of you that want to come with me.
I hate knowing that someone I followed and read and who inspired me with her words is no longer among us. I hope the rest of you who havent blogged in a while are gone because you found a way out.
Tuesday, 28 May 2013
Im in the middle of trying to catch up on everyones blogs. Although its not taking as long as I thought as most of you seem to be missing in action.
Im stuck in a rut, I had gotten down to 94.4, but right now im 103. I need to get back down. Im eating badly, im not binging, just eating a bit too much of the wrong stuff. I havent cut in months although the urge is still there, ive purged twice in the last 3 days, after not having done so in months, it happened all too easy.
Im not in a great place at the minute but ive been in worse.
Im going to start blogging regularly again, cause ive really missed you and this place.
Thursday, 23 May 2013
I dont know if you remember her or not but Cassie was the puppy I got when I was 17. In August 2012 she had a seizure, I took her to the vets and they did loads of tests to try and figure out what could have caused it. They found nothing, they said it was most likely just a one off thing. She was fine and I thought nothing else of it until January when she had about 6 fits in 45 minutes. I took her back to the vets and they did more tests. Still nothing. They said that it was probably epilepsy. They cant do a test for epilepsy in dogs so they only dignose it when everything else has been ruled out. They gave me tablets for her and said they would make the seizures less frequent, but they didn't, they were getting worse and happening more often. The vets upped the tablets but that still didnt work. They were getting worse and I couldnt do anything about it. I just sat with Cassie between my legs to stop her hurting herself and waited with her until they were over. It is a horrible thing to see someone you love so much suffering and not being able to help them.
On the 16th of March my brother rang me in work to tell me cassie was fitting again. I left work early as my brother had to leave for work. I got home and found her trembling and shaking, this was not what usually happened when she was fitting. I knew something wasnt right so I got my best friend to come and help me find an out of hours vet. We brought her to one and they told me to leave her there and they would ring me later so I could pick her up and figure out her tablets and find out why they werent working. I hate leaving her when shes sick but I knew id be able to bring her home so it was ok.
At about 12 that night they rung me and said they could do nothing more for her. I was going to have to put her down.
My mum and my best friend came with me. I walked in and saw her lying still fitting. It broke my heart to see her , her eyes were blue and her tongue was red and so swollen it didnt even fit in her mouth, the amount of times she must have bitten down on it. The vet said the amount of brain damage that had been done was irreversible, my little cassie was gone, all that was left was this fitting body. I couldnt believe that at two and a half I had to tell them it was ok to let her sleep forever.
Although I knew there was nothing else I could do I still felt and still do feel an enormous amount of guilt. I stayed with her the whole time, holding her little warm paw. I have never felt pain like I felt watching him inject my little girl.
I knew she was gone, she ws no longer fitting or breathing but it broke my heart leaving her for the last time.
Cassie was never just a dog to me, she really was my whole world. She was everything. She was the only person I was ever enough for. I was her whole world and I was good enough for her. Her little eyes lit up everytime she looked at me and she needed me and only me. And now I feel purposeless. Cassie was all I needed and my life was her. She made me see that life was good if she was in it. She was so happy and loving and innocent and pure. She gave so much love with just a look.
I miss her so much. I miss how she would lick the end of my nose when I asked for kisses. I miss how she held her little ears, how she would hide on me, how she ate so slowly, how she took treats so gently. How she would stand infront of me when she felt threatened like she was trying to protect me even though she was so tiny. How when id lift her up she would wrap her paws around my neck. How she would curl up like a little hegdehog on my knee and fall asleep. I miss her smell. I miss her little paws. I miss her little personality and her beautiful face. I miss the feel of her fur.
I miss my little princess. And it hurts so much.