Thursday, 25 August 2011

The world is moving so quickly, life is moving on.
People are excited, they are growing up, they are moving on.
They are having fun and they are on their way to making something wonderful of themselves.
They are forgetting mistakes they made when they were young and knew no better.
They have forgotten those who weren't always kind.

And then there's me.
I'm still here.
Still Sitting.
In the exact same place as I was 6 years ago.

I haven't moved on, I haven't moved on at all.

I am so unhappy.
I am sitting here.

I have a tear stained face.
I have bleeding, scarred legs.
I have a hole where my soul should be.

I have died on the inside,
A long time ago.

Life is racing by and all I can do is watch.

Monday, 15 August 2011

I've learned to live half alive.....

And now you want me one more time...

And who do you think you are

Running round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
Tearing love apart

Your gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are
Who do you think you are
Who do you think you are

Saturday, 13 August 2011

Left Handers Day!!

Thanks very much with the guitar help! I will just have to keep persevering and hopefully it will pay off. I have a really cool looking guitar, even if I do say so much, it's an acoustic and it's pink, or yes you read right - pink. I'll post a picture of it soon if anyone would be interested it seeing it?

I have been thinking about this lil ole blog of mine and I think I wanna cheer things up a bit.

Yes I have an eating disorder and yes it takes up pretty much every waking thought, but I do, do other things, I have a life, well kind of. No I do just not a very interesting one, but still.
Would you guys like to see something a bit different? Like maybe more picture posts of everyday shiznic that I get up too, pictures of the little adventures me and Cassie go on (Cassie's my dog), random wee pieces of the normal part of me?

Obviously I'll still let you know how I'm doing with the old weight loss shiz and whatnot too.

Would anyone be interested in seeing any of that??
I just feel that sometimes this can be an awful sad place to come, and I love my blog and all of you and I would like to maybe bring a little bit of normality and positivity to you, maybe, if I can.

Let me know what you think, or if you have any thoughts or suggestions. Mucho appreciated.

Oh yeh and it's left handers day today so if theres any fellow lefthanders out there Happy lefthanders day. Don't really know what it mean or if it entitles us to any perks for the day or anything but there you go.
Talk later

Thursday, 11 August 2011


Does anyone play a left handed guitar?? Does anyone actually just play any guitar?? Did anyone teach themselves??

If so please tell me how!! I'm really starting to believe that guitar playing is some kind of witchcraft because it is just impossible!!

Help please if you can.

Thank you for the wonderful comments, if you are following me and I haven't yet returned the favour, please let me know...
Much love

Monday, 8 August 2011

Oh the power of movement...

I can now move again! Woo - hoo it feel amazing.
I have been barely able to walk most of the weekend. I am 18 and I have arthritis. Oh yes I really am an old lady! Not fun!

It's not bad all the time, sometimes I am completely fine, other times I will have pain but I can still carry on my day without too much bother and other times it flairs up something awful and I am completely debilitated for a few days.
Knees, legs, elbows, wrists, finger, shoulders, neck, back.
Oh it really is as delightful as it sounds!

Anyway I am for now able to move again and it feels great.

I am also feeling a bit more positive today, my mum has gone away for a week so I'm hoping that I can actually use this week in a productive way and not waste like like I have done in the past.

So here is to staying positive and strong!

How is everyone??

Friday, 5 August 2011

Not sure anymore...

I don't like thinking that I have an eating disorder, for the whole six years I've been like this, I have tried to convince myself that it's not strange behaviour, but it is - It is disordered behaviour. And I need to face up to that.
I thought about it a lot and I thought well what am I then?? Anorexic, bulimic??

I think about food and calories and losing weight every waking moment, I want to be smaller, smaller, smaller. I want to be skin and bones, I want to not eat ever.

So I must be anorexic right? Or least getting there. I want to be emaciated - Anorexics are emaciated, so that must be it.
I'm not sure.

Yeh I have anorexic tendencies, I can on occasions control myself. Sometimes I can control myself extremely well.
Then other times I lose all control and I turn into a completely different person, I will become so ravenous and I will eat until I think I'm going to burst, then I will haul myself over the toilet and force my finger so far down my throat that for a few seconds I can't even breathe. Then I will get stuck in a rut.

I don't really like the label of EDNOS because that's not clear cut, I like things to have a definition, an exact cause, an exact cure, exact everything.
I know with eating disorders that nothing is exact. This is were I have conflict with myself, because I like everything to be clear cut, but I think that although eating disorders are clubbed together - they are not the same.

I don't understand how you can treat 50 anorexics in the same way for their disorder. Yes those 50 people may do similar things, have similar traits, but the reason they got the disorder, what they feel about it, how they function with their eating disorder in a day to day basis is completely different.

I don't really know how I got on to talking about all this - But I was watching youtube videos earlier (Yvonne Madden - LostLittleGurlyGurl) and she really got my thinking. I've watched her videos for a long time and I remember a few of her older ones when she was in the middle of a horrible case of bulimia, she was stuck in a rut of binging and purging every single day, of feeling tired and sore all the time, of not being able to sleep of being so depressed, and then this leading her back to binging and purging.

I have had a lot of periods like that, I will eat too much and purge will make it difficult to sleep, which leaves me tired and sore, which leads to me eating more and it really is a hideously vicious cycle.

I have had periods like that, that can go on for weeks, but then the times of being controlled and restricting and losing weight are usually only a few days. Why is this??

I try and make sense of everything but I have so many different thoughts running through my head all the time that it is impossible to grab one thought and hang on to it to make sense of it before the rest coming flooding though.
How are you suppose to carry on and live a normal life and think about normal things when everything is centred around these disordered thoughts?

Yvonne was also saying that you have to carry on living life, you can't just stop, yes you may have an eating disorder but you can't let the world pass you by. How do you do this? How does anyone do this?

My mind is fucking racing and it never stops.

Thursday, 4 August 2011


If you don't follow her already then go do it now.
She is amazing, she is wonderful and she has such an incredible talent for writing exactly what I need to hear while all the time remaining honest. I am so grateful to have found her here. She is such a beautiful person and I love her.

Today was supposed to be me fasting to make up for the past two days, but my dad rang me and asked me to go out to dinner with him - I couldn't say no.

My and I have a strange relationship. I love him a lot but we don't really know each other that well. Him and my mum divorced when I was six and I have lived with my mum ever since, to him I am still that 6 year old little girl, something I have always known and something that he admitted to me tonight, which means that we don't have that much to talk about because he still sees me as that little girl. I don't see as much of him as I should, he lives only 10 minutes away from me but life gets in the way and I get used to not seeing him for weeks or months at a time, so I sometimes forget how long it has been. So I didn't like to say no tonight because to him that would have been me saying I didn't want to see him.

So it will be take two fast tomorrow.

The trouble with my mum and I has resolved itself for now. I say for now because it is never resolved, we just don't talk for a while then carry on like nothing has happened, until the next time.

The boy, I was him today, he came with me while I walked my dog, he understands about my mum as he has his own family troubles. He has moved in with a friend as he can no longer live at home. He lived with his grandparents because his parents both died when he was very young, for whatever reason things with his grandparents aren't going well, his grandad threw him out. This isn't me just being biased but he really didn't deserve it. He has to go and talk to them tomorrow, but I couldn't see him moving back home anytime soon, but the friend and the friends family are very good and said he can stay as long as he needs.
As for as us as a couple goes, he understands that I have other stuff going on, the same as he does. I was thinking about it today and is a saint for staying with me. I can be very temperamental at times, I can go for being 'happy' and 'fine' to cold and distant within minutes, so it must be very hard for him to try and understand me. I really like being with him, so I hope that once I lose weight and can get a small bit happier with myself that I can be more loving and a bit more like a normal girlfriend.

I know I said that I would comment more and I really haven't been, but when I'm in this kind of a down mood it's best for me not too because I have nothing helpful or productive to write. Hopefully I will get out of this rut soon and be more supportive to you all.

Life is a whole pile of buggering bollocks...

It really is. Everything's fucked and that's just it.

I am trying to look for a job, I have applications sitting all around me but I can't fill them in on my own, they are complicated and I don't have a clue, but there is no-one to help. Even if I managed to do the forms and managed to get an interview - I have no confidence in myself so interviews are always shit.

No job means no money means staying at home means mother or myself will most likely end up dead.

Oh yes mother dearest and myself are fighting. Again.
She walks up to me yesterday in the street calls me a tramp and then leaves again. Said she was joking when I took offence to it. Well fuck me sorry for clearly having no sense of humour, just didn't think it was that funny.

Now have to put up with her acting like a child, silent treatment, door slamming etc, etc.
I am taking the opportunity and fasting for a day or two, as mother will not care or I doubt even notice.

I am sad at the minute.
Just sad.

I need a job so I can move out or I will go mad extremely quickly.

Best friend and boyfriend are aware somethings not right. I don't really have the energy to put my usually front on, don't think blaming my mood on being tired is really convincing them.

The boyfriend thinks I'm losing interest and that I don't trust him. Not true I'm just sad and I hate the fact that I can hardly bear to have him even hug me never mind anything else.

Don't know what's really going on with me right now. I just want to lose weight and starve all these feelings away.

Tuesday, 2 August 2011

Woo - Hoo!!!!

That is all...... Eeee!!!!!!

Monday, 1 August 2011

Finally a good day...

So yeh I liked today, today was good.

521 calories eaten
319 calories burnt
202 calories net

Yeh I like that.

I'm a bit of a bum at the minute and really not enjoying it.
I set my alarm to wake me at about 8.30 every morning then fill my mornings/afternoons with dog walking and housework in a desperate attempt to stop myself from becoming extremely lazy, which would be very easy to do.

Right it's 1.35am so I'm off to bed.

This is me on my way to becoming a more regular blogger.

I hope you all have a wonderful day/night - whatever applies.

Oh and Bella, thank you so much for your comment - it was so lovely - I was not expecting it at all and it really did bring a little tear to my eye. Thank you so much.
(Blogger won't let me click on you - don't know why - so that's why I'm replying here - Really hope you see it. Thank yo again.