Saturday, 30 October 2010

I'm not back...

Not yet, I'm sorry - I didn't think I would get the response I did from leaving, In all honesty I didn't think anyone would notice, but you did, an awful lot of you did, and I don't have the words to describe how that makes me feel. Thank you will never be enough.

I'm not back, not just yet - But I will be soon and I will explain my long absence - I'm really sorry.
I just wanted to let you know that I hadn't fallen of the face of the earth - Even if at times I've wanted nothing more. Thank you so much. I still read every single one of all your posts, and thank you to my new followers.

I will be back soon and back for good.
I miss you all so much
X

Wednesday, 11 August 2010

I am more thankful than you can know...

for your comments and all my current and new followers, I truely am. I haven't been commenting lately, I am always always reading, but I do not have words to give to all right now.

I am struggling.

I will come back, but I'm not sure when. I will always be reading though, and I'll be thinking of you all.

I will come back more determined, stronger willed, full of helpful advice and support.

And thinner.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
I love you all so very very much
X

Friday, 30 July 2010

I've broke it!

I weighed in at 107.7Ibs this morning.
Now I know it isn't a big loss, but I have broken my 108Ibs, which I have been hovering around for a while now, so I'm really happy.
My next goal is 106Ibs.
I really hope it doesn't take as long as getting to 107. No it won't.
It won't. It won't. I won't.

I'm really sorry, I have been really awful with commenting and replying to comments. I'm really sorry, I always read your blogs and I love your comments. I will get back to it really soon I hope, I just don't feel I have anything to offer at the minute. But thank you so much, I will get back as soon as I can.

I feel a good bit better today, thank you for all your lovely words.
X

Thursday, 29 July 2010

The lovely Sarah and I decided on a day long fast today, this morning on msn. Now this should have been easy as my mother went out for the day. It was going really well until about 8pm, when I met up with my sister. We were in the shop and she offered to buy me something. I declined and said I was still feeling ill. She seemed to accept this but when we had left she took a brunch ice lolly out of the bag, handed it to me and said it would help my throat.
So I had that.
When I got home I proceeded to have 3 cups of tea.
I know it wasn't awful but for a fast day it wasn't good.

I'm sorry Sarah, I hope your day went as planned and was better than mine.

I'm still not feeling great. I think I will sleep for most of tomorrow. To try and keep my intake down. Sleep and read. That sounds good.

I think I'm getting worse.
I'm getting a headache.
I also found out that I'm allergic to the cough medicine I've been taking.
Shitters
X

Wednesday, 28 July 2010

Sick

I feel like I am getting a chest infection. I am coughing so much and I feel like I am tearing my throat in the process. Everything hurts, and my back and chest are killing me. I promise I will read blogs and get back to comments tomorrow. I just don't have the energy right now.
I love you.
X

Thank you

for your lovely words on my picture post and previous binge post.
I'm glad you all think my dog is beautiful. Thanks for the kind words about me as well, I wasn't sure weather I wanted to put it up, but I though, I know what a lot of you look like so thought it was only fair.

I think I am getting hair dye today or tomorrow, so I might post another picture when I do it because it wasn't very purply in that picture.

Today will be better, I know how often I say that, and to be honest I'm getting really sick of saying it, but I am sick of being this weight, I think if I can get to 106, it will be a lot easier to get to 99, then get down to my goal weight.

I need to re-think my food plan I think because atm I'm having:
Breakfast:
Coffee and a peach

Lunch:
Coffee, cuppa soup and a peice of toast

Dinner:
Half a packet of uncle beans rice
Diet coke

But then in the evening I binge. What is it with night time binging??

I am going groccery shopping with my mum later, so I will be having a look for some low low low low cal snacky things. I don't think it would be realistic for me to think I could just stop night time eating, but I can help myself by getting things that won't do to much damage, and then try and wean (sp??) myself away from it.

I will have a look for other things as well, I will let you know if I get anything worth telling.

I had a dream last night, well two actually:
Dream 1: I dreamt I was in my kitchen and my brother was helping himself to my honey loops, he used all of them. I was shouting at him telling him they were in my section of cupboard.

I woke up very disstressed, I have this thing with people eating my food, like we have a long cupboard in our kitchen, and the very bottom bit is where I keep my food, and I don't like people having my stuff. When I woke up after this dream I had to go downstairs to check my honey loops where still there. How messed up is that??

Dream 2:
I was back in high school, I had got into trouble and was running away with a friend, I ran into a classroom and hid behinde a whiteboard. Then a class came in and the teachers, there were two, came in with them, they started talking and I recognised their voices, I looked up and the teachers were Jennifer Sauders and Joanna Lumley.

Yeh I have strange dreams. Don't know why I felt the need to tell you that, but yeh.

I think I have ran out of random things to say, so I will go and I'll post later, when I'll hopefully have something a bit more worthwhile to say.
X

Tuesday, 27 July 2010

I'm a monster

Nom Nom Nom, thats what my night was made up of.

I hate myself for being so weak. It's not that hard, look at the chocolate and the bread and the butter and all other manners of shitty stuff and just say FUCKING NO. Thats all there is to it. Saying no, but I'm so weak and pathetic that I can't even do that

I'm not exactly sure why...

i'm posting this, but I thought it was about time.

Me and my dog Roxy. I'm the one with the skin and unhairy face.
I apologise for the stinking cigarette in the background.
My face looks very fat and pale, but Roxy as usually look perfect and beautiful
X




Monday, 26 July 2010

Monday 26 July:

Total Intake:
1190

Total Exercise:
450

Total Intake after Exercise:
740


It's under 800, so it's fine, not great, just fine
X

For anonymous

"Anonymous said...
You are beautiful inside and out. Don't let numbers control you. There are so many better things in life to focus on, so embrace this beautiful world! "


Anonymous, left me this comment a few posts ago, but I've just come across it now.
I just wanted to say to them, if you are reading, thank you. Thank you for telling me I'm beautiful, even though it is impossible for me to believe it, it really means the world that someone think that of me. I wish I could stop numbers controlling me, I mean I hate numbers I have dyscallula, a barrier that stops me being able to do any slightly strenuous (sp??Idk) maths, like I can't even divide, but "this" had dragged me into a world full of numbers and I have to look at the numbers on the scale every morning, and count calories thoughout the day, and count how many of them I have burnt. Inches and centimetres and pounds and stones and calories and minutes and hours, they fill my head all day every day.

I know there are so many beautiful wonderful and magical things in this world, and I know better than anyone that I am selfish for being this way. Sometimes I wish I could make it disappear, but most of the time I could not imagine myself "normal" and as sad as it may sound, most of the time I don't want to, this is a part of me, this is who I am. I don't want to stop, because I know I would feel lost without it.

X

101

That was my 100th post, down there. I didn't even realise. I can't believe it's been 100, thank you all so much for sticking with me this long, and 61 followers. Holy.Shit. I really can't believe there's so many of you. Thanks. I know I have gotten a few new followers recently. Thank you very much, and I promise I will get to your blogs very soon.

Awake at 8.30 this morning, I did 1Hr 30Mins of housework (-270). I meant to have a coffee and a small bowl of honey loops (cerial) with 50ml milk. But I ended up having a slight mini binge:
Honey loops with 50ml milk - 133
Honey loops with 50ml milk - 133
Coffee - 42
Biscuit - 99
Biscuit - 99
A total of 506cals.

Thankfully I had done the 1hr 30mins of housework, which brings my total down to 236. I have lowered my calorie limit to 800, for the time being. I had a goal of doing 2hours exercise a day, I should be able to get a bit more than that done as I've done 90mins so far and its only 12.30pm. I know most people don't count housework as exercise, but I do a lot of it as it's burns quite a bit so fuck it Imma count it.

Hope your having a good monday so far.
X

Sunday, 25 July 2010

Comment Reply's...

Sorry I hope you don't mind me doing this here, I thought it would just be a bit easier, and stop me from missing anyone out. I also want to apologise for not keeping up with my commenting, I know I don't do it nearly enough, I always, always read though, and will make more of an effort. I know I haven't replyed to very many comments of late, and I hate doing this, because I appriciate every single word.
Okay:
Luna:
I'm so glad someone has the same problem, it gets very annoying, every shopping trip is the same, we should get together and make clothes for the little person, I think that would be a good idea. Love you.
X

Peanut:
Well I have always been a size 8, so I really would have cried if they hadn't of fit, again it's because I'm so short. Like even when I was 115Ibs I could squeeze into an 8 just about, but being shorter means that if I weigh like 117Ibs, that would make me overweight according to my BMI, so it's a bit . I know I really should cut down on the smokes, but O don't realise how many I smoke, until after a while then I've got used to it, and it takes too much energy trying to cut down again. I think I increased because I'm trying to stop cutting, so instead I smoke more, I know thats not really a healthy subsitute, but I hate cutting. Love
X

Beldam:
Scarves are great, they always fit, I know the sales girl was a bitch, and not surprisingly, really tall. Thank you, I hope you can sleep as well, I know you've been having trouble with it, and it really is the worst thing, I hope you can find some relief some night very soon. Sending lots of sleeping vibes your way (Hopfully)
X

V.:
Embrace you tinyness! I can see why you would want to be "regular size" though, it is much easier a lot of the time. Hugs and love
X

Annie:
I do love getting kiddies things, because they are adorable, but it would be nice sometimes to get things for my age, especially if I going out or something, but I know what you mean, they are really cute. Hugs from me to you
X

Blue Butterfly:
Ah, fellow butterfly, I love them they're so pretty. My friend is the same she has size 7's so it's awful when we go shopping, everything is too big for me and too small for her. It's crap, because unless you fit into the middle ground, it's virtually impossible to get anything. Sending you lots of fluttery-butterfly-y love
X

Carla:
Oh I was in Italy about 2 years ago, it's such a beautiful country, your so lucky. Thank you so much, I will definately get onto reading yours. Love
X

Sarah:
You know something, I really love you, I do, your so funny and you just brighten up my day. Oh middle ground is not so good. I really don't know how anyone manages to dress themselves at all, because the crappy sizes don't seem to fit anyone. Who are these clothes being made for?? Aw thank you I slept a bit better last night, I just keep waking up like every hour, which makes me feel like I haven't slept at all, uh it's all drama with us. Love and hugs and kisses and everything for you, see your special thats why. Hehe
X

I was out today, I went around the coast of Antrim, which is really beautiful, it has big massive cliffs, and beautiful views of the sea, and lots of quaint little villages. But we went for lunch, I had a vegetarian pasta, it had peppers and carrots and cheese, I probably ate about 1 third of it. I then got a small slice of bailey's cheesecake, my head was screaming no, but my stupid fat mouth, answered yes. So today I have had that, 3 cups of coffee, 3 tiny little traybakes and a small bowl of cerial.
Even though it was raining, I still had a lovely afternoon with my mum and nanna, I sometimes forget how beautiful this little country is
X

Saturday, 24 July 2010

This really annoys me

Okay I went shopping today, I usually like shopping because I buy nice things for my hair, pretty scarfs, you know things that alway fit. But today we and my mum walked past river island, they had a sale, mum wanted a look, mum kept handing me stuff to try on.
I hate trying things on in shops. I tried on the jeans

Now usually at this point I look at myself and want to cry because I'm to fat to zip them up, but not today. No today the size 8's slid on quite easily, but something else made me want to shout and cry.

I have never in the whole time I have been alive been able to buy a pair of trousers that fit me - lenght wise. This may not sound like a big deal, I used to laugh it off, but now it's really starting to piss me off. Why should I have to chose between paying someone to shorten them or walking on them and ruining them. Everyone else can buy jeans and just wear them, so why can't I?

And I saw a really pretty pair a shoes, so I asked the girl if they had any other sizes, she was helpful. She brought me round to the shoes and then asked what size I was. I told her a 1 or 2, she changed, she wasn't so helpful, she pointed to the other end of the shop and half heartedly said, down there.

I walked to where she had pointed, she had lead me to childrens. I know this may not seem like a big deal, and I do where kids alot of the time, but these looked very young, with flowers or ladybirds and things on them.

It's like, if a shop did not cater for the larger person they would get labelled as being discriminating, but if anyone complained about things not being small enough, they'd get laughed at.

I love being the size I am, I love being so short and having such tiny feet, but everyone else seems to have a problem with it, it kind of renforces the way I feel about myself, like I don't deserve to wear the same nice things as everyone else, I'm different and everyone should be able to see that I'm different by the things I wear.

Sorry I know I sound like I'm over-exagurating (I should really learn to spell) but it gets a bit tiresome after this lenght of time. If you have manged to get to the end of this crappy boring post, then thank you.

I have been very tired lately, not sleeping so well, I only managed to count calories until and 6.30pm, and then I kind of gave up, which worries me slightly, I never can't be borthered to count calories. (Sorry I know that was horrendous English, forgive me)

Going to try and catch some Zzz, but I think a smoke first, I should probably cut down, I've been smoking quite a lot lately, oh well it keeps me busy.

Love for you all.
X

Friday, 23 July 2010

Thursday and Friday

Thursday (yesterday) was one of the most boring days of my life. I don't know, I usually like being in the house by myself, doing nothing inparticular but yesterday I was just so sick of looking at the same four walls.
I went out, with my bf Kate and a few friends. We went to a club about an hour away from where we live, it was really good, I like being able to get dressed up, so off we went I had some drinks before we left, some more drinks in the car on the way there, some more drinks in a wee pub below the club, then some more drinks in the club, yes I was completely fucked.
I noticed a few girls, some skinny girls, I even spotted a few hip bones. I didn't feel so nice anymore.
But I got up and I danced, then I danced some more, had more drinks, danced some more (are you seeing a pattern yet??). Then I thought fuck it, I wanna have fun, no-one is paying me any attention, no-one else cares if I'm a bit fat. So I danced for hours with Kate, it was so fucking roasting in there, and the smoking area was just as bad because there was so many people crammed into such a tiny space, so the sweat was dripping of everyone, but everyone had a really good night. We and Kate were so sore, our feet, fuck me. It was painful, but we carried on regardless.
We rolled home around 3.30/4 and I was awake at about 10 this morning.

My sister text me to say she had the day off work, so I rang her to she if she fancied doing something, she suggested the zoo. Eee!!! Yes I am 17 and she is 24, but we will remain 7 in our heads forever. I had to have the quickest shower in history so we could catch the train. It was really sunny and warm, which is highly unusual for this country, so it was a really good day, we walked for hours, but we also ate, I could keep track of what I was eating because we were lifting bits and pieces of stuff all day. I don't feel like it was a massive binge day, but I do feel quite guilty now because it was all bad.

I danced and walked loads over today and last night so I'm hoping it will balance out. I don't want to weigh myself in the morning incase I've gained, but I find it really hard not to, it has become part of my routine now.

I had a brillient day and last night, even though I ate. Thanks for all the lovely comments, I will get back to them tomorrow, I promise. But I really need to have a lil cigarette and go for big sleeps!

I love you Rach, enjoy your leaving party, I'll be there in spirit.
X

Wednesday, 21 July 2010

Eep...



I gots an award... woohoo. From the beautiful, wonderful Rainbow Rachel!!

Okay, so 5 likes, 5 dislikes and 5 nominees (I can see that is not spelt right, it looks all wrong, but I do not no why...)

Okay

5 likes:


1.Butterflies - I am obsessed with butterflies, I have been for quite a few years now they are just so beautiful. I think that they are also beautiful at their caterpillar stage.

2.Roxy - This is my beautiful springer/lab cross, she is just so gorgous, with her big ears, and I taught her to give me her paw, which is so cute when she does it... Okay I'm drifting of, but trust me she really is the best dog ever.

3.Blogger - This is not meant to sound cheesy, it's really not, but I love you guys so much, I really do, especially Holly, Rach and Luna.

4.Coffee - I really think I'm addicted like I get the shakes if I don't get caffine now, so probably not the best sign in the world, but hey I wouldn't change my breakfast of coffee and a cigarrette for anything.

5.Pink - When I was little, I hated anything that was in anyway girly, so no pink, no dresses, no pretty things at all, but when I turned about 14 I discovered all these wonderful things, clothes shoes Oh shit shoes.

6. I'm only meant to have 5 but fuck it - Shoes - Oh my god I love shoes, I can hardly every explain. It is really hard for me to get shoes because I have tiny feet. I'm a UK size 1, to everyone outside the UK... I'm not sure. My feets are just really tiny and narrow, and even in kids pumps I still need insoles. Although even though it is so difficult to find shoes, I have managed to rack up a total of about 34 pairs - which I must say, I'm quite proud of :)

5 dislikes:

1.England winning things - I'm sorry to any English people out there, but I'm Welsh and I hate you winning stuff because England do tend to go on a bit about things, like the world cup, that was about a bizzilion years ago, and your still talking about it

2.Shopping - I love shopping but not when it's for trousery-type things because these bloody clothes makers don't seem to realise that little people need trousers too. Like petite ranges, almost all of them start at 5ft - which is really no good when your 4" 10.

3.Getting older - I'm sure I don't need to explain this much as I know a lot of you feel the same. In 8 short little months I will officially be an adult. I can't be an adult - I'm not old enough

4.Spots - Need I say anymore? Probably not but I'm going to anyway. I hate spots, they are so bloody ugly, and I have to wait for "nature to take it's course" because I'm allergic to spotcream. I know frigging spotcream. And the sun. I really do have the best allergies ever

5.Animal cruely - I hate hearing about this, like people beating dogs and things. I think people who kill animals should be treated in the same way as if they had killed a person, it's not right and people should be punished correctly.

My 5 people:

1.HOLLY - I love this girl so much, she's my little sister. She is so wonderful and beautiful and special and I wish she could see this.

2.LUNA - I love you Luna, you are the same height as me and your not 11. Thats makes me feel good. You also share my love of all things Harry Potter - and that - is an unbreakable bond. Really I don't know what I'm supposed to do when they finish.

3.MILLIEDOLL - You are the only person - over the age of 7 who loves mini milks as much as me, and I love you for it.

4.SARAH - She used to be my braceface buddy, until the lucky girly went and got hers off, and so I now struggle alone. I loved the pictures from your prom, your so beautiful.

5.CHARR - I love reading your posts, they are wonderful, and so are you. Remember that.


I'm really sorry but I don't know how to do links, they never work but you all know who you are.
Thank again Rach.

Quick recap for today. I had a slight mini-binge this evening, totalling 727, making todays intake 1346. I did 2Hrs 40Mins of exercise (-480) bringing my intake down to 866.
I'm not as annoyed about the binge as I probably should be but I told myself to stop and I did, so I'm quite pleased I had that control.

I really must go now because I dying for some nicotine. Love you girlies
X

Tuesday, 20 July 2010

20 July

Not to bad of a day, I did eat over 900cals, I had 1087. I exercised for two hours and burnt 527 which puts my intake down to 560. So I am not to annoyed about going over.

I had my 2litres of water aswell.

It is 10.30pm and I am heading to bed because I got my braces tightened today and good lord am I in pain!! My wee mouth very sore, it hurts my jaw and my head, so some tablets and off to bed for me.
It really hurts, but it's nice to have a real reason not to eat, instead of lying all the time.

I found my old skipping rope, I used to love skipping when I was little. I did a bit today, and really enjoyed it, I'm definately going to keep it up because just 15 minutes of it burns 129cals, so yeh.

How are you guys doing???
I just wanna say that Rachel, I love you, I am so glad I found you, well that you found me rather but yeh, you are a wonderful person and I'm lucky to know you, even if it is just over blogger. Love
Love to all of my girls
X

"I know exactly what I want and who I want to be"

Which is why today can only end in success, and it will!
I love you beautiful girls
X

Monday, 19 July 2010

Oh No!

I am insanely happy right now, witch is not something I am very often at all. I have a feeling though that if I were to take out my head phones I would not be as happy.

I am listening to Oh No! by Marina and the Diamonds. You should really listen to it. It's wonderful.

Don't do love, don't do friends
I'm only after success
Don't need a relationship
I'll never soften my grip

Don't want cash, don't want car
Want it fast, want it hard
Don't need money, don't need fame
I just want to make a change
I just wanna change (x5)

CHORUS:
I know exactly what I want and who I want to be
I know exactly why I walk and talk like a machine
I'm now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy
Oh, oh no, oh no, oh no

One track mind, one track heart
If I fail, I'll fall apart
Maybe it is all a test
Cause I feel like I'm the worst
So I always act like I'm the best

If you are not very careful
Your possessions will possess you
TV taught me how to feel
Now real life has no appeal
It has no appeal (x5)

(chorus repeat twice)

I know exactly what I want and who I want to be
I know exactly why I walk and talk like a machine
I'm now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy
Oh, oh no, oh no, oh no

I'm gonna live, I'm gonna fly,
I'm gonna fail, I'm gonna die,
I'm gonna live, I'm gonna fly
I'm gonna fail, gonna die, die, die, die

(chorus repeat twice)

I know exactly what I want and who I want to be
I know exactly why I walk and talk like a machine
I'm now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy
Oh, oh no, oh no, oh no

Da-da-dum...

Oh, oh no, oh no, oh no


The bits in pink are what I feel is talking to me.
I love you all
X

I'm going to change

I've said all this "fresh start" shite a million times before, but yesterday I had a day that I haven't had in quite a while. It was one of those days when when I felt...
Nothing really, I was tired but couldn't sleep, drinking didn't quench my thirst, punching my ribs didn't hurt. I wanted to cut so bad but I didn't I ate instead. And guess what?
I didn't feel it.

So today I am changing.
2 litres of water a day
Exercising for 2 hours a day
900 calories a day
1 meal a day in the evening
small snacks throughout the day
I am going to comment so much more
and try to post more, although some days I have little to say, but I will try.

I am sure I will be changing the the times and numbers as time goes on but this is just for now.

I mean in about commenting more, I love when I see I have gotten a new comment, because I know it will be filled with love and support and kindness, I am going to make a better effort to return that kindness.

I think it was Lucy's shadow that asked when I was going on holidays. Well I'm not. This summer has been a huge cockup, holiday wise. I was supposed to go to London but then me and my sister wanted to go away so my mum said we can go to London for my birthday. Then me and my sister couldn't find anywhere to go, so looks like I'm staying put.

Uh, I don't really mind to much because my weight is all over the place (108 yesterday morning), my cuts are doing really well, they are almost gone, but not quite. And at least now I can concentrate on losing.

Thank you for the comments.
I love you guys.
X

Sunday, 18 July 2010

Am I following you???

I have spent most of my sunday afternoon trying to make sure I follow everyone who follows me, because I don't like knowing that you girls have taken the time to follow me, and read my blog for me then to not return the favour. There are a few of you though that I can't seem to find.
If you follow me and your name is:
1.Mary kim
2.Madeline
3.Kate
4.sweet.bubble.gum
5.Jasloma
6.never_b
8.dead.angel
9.marie
10.Meg
11.aqhacowgirl292

and you found like me to follow you, please leave a comment so I can get the link to your blog. I really mean it, it means so much to me that you all take the time to read, follow, comment and offer you support, love and wisdom, it really really does.
I want to apologise as well because I realise some of you have been following me for quite a while, so please excuse my lateness
X

Saturday, 17 July 2010

Fanx muchly

for all the beautiful comments, I know I sound like a broken record but they mean so much to me. Ok something weird just happened, I have just woken up from a 13hour sleep. 13 Fucking hour! 13!! Holy shit, my mum said she came in to check I was still alive and thought I'd fallen into a coma, I looked peaceful apparently.

So yeah I thought maybe I'll go camping, but I was too late, I'll go next time though. I don't know what I'm doing today, I have to go and see my dady, he's not well, he has blood poisoning, he's leg is all swollen and he can't walk so well. He got tablets which is good because the last time he had this he ended up in hospital on a drip, at least he knew what it was this time. Then I have some housework to do. (I've decided to look at housework from a different angle, it's not that bad, I do enjoy it it's calming and hey I burn lots of cals.) I also plan to read today.

I used to be a complete bookworm when I was little, but rearly read now. I find I am a bit slow, not dyslexic, just slow, so I tend to shy away from it, but I want to read again, I loved it. I have 3 books at the minute,
Harry Potter And The Chamber of Secrets Now these I can read, I have read them all before and I love them
Withering Tights by Louise Rennison I read a whole series of books by her when I was about 13 and remember them being good, funny. It's just looked at the whole growing up thing, being a teenager, and trying to show its not as bad as we think. As you can see I don't take them that way, oh well still a good read.
Percy Jackson And The Lightening Thief: I just realised that this is now a film, I was wondering if anyone had read these? Let me know if you have.


Okay I realise that these are not the most challenging books in the world, but I have not read since I was 15 probably, even then I only read Harry Potter, so I was 13 the last time I was reading properly. I know, I feel awful, I really hope I can get back into it, and move up to "the grown up" books hehe.
If anyone has any recommendations, book-wise, please let me know. It would be much appreciated.
Enjoy your weekend everyone.
X

I just wanna say that, Rachel and Luna, I love you girls so much you are always commenting and saying just the right things to make me feel a bit better, so thank you for that.
Rachel, we will most definately, I hope the earth lets our paths cross, it's cruel how we get on so well with people we will never meet. Thanks, your my beautiful twin, I love you
And luna, I will definately go camping next time they are going, you sound like you have fun on your camping trips, I would love to go on one with you. I Love you.

I love every single one of you, I find it had to explain how I feel about you all, but everytime I log on and see I have recieved a comment my heart flutters. And when I don't have the change to read your blogs I pine for you. I love you, thank you so much for making me apart of this wonderful, magical community.
X

Friday, 16 July 2010

Where am I?

I am tired, socalising is tiring. I don't much like it anymore.

I was at a friends on Wednesday night, got drunk, ate too much, not a binge but ate, nonetheless, sobered up, had to clean up sick from said friends back garden, stupid boy, he's not a good drinker so he buys and drinks a whole bottle of vodka, yeh good move. Anyway clean up, ship everyone home, climb into bed with same said friend, slept for two hours woke for 1, slept for another 5, awake for another 1, slept for 2. Get up with worst hangover known to man, (May I remind you that I went to sleep sober, wtf is up with that?!) Pratically crawl home, fall into shower, go to another friends watch lots of films, eat enough food to keep alive a family of 4 for a week. Have I ever told you about my friends, Ben and Jerry?? Well I hate them, they're pricks!

Sleep for 2 hours, crawl home, climb sleepily upstairs and read 40 missed blog posts, make a post of my own.

My past few days. Not very exciting as you can see.

I am not used to mixing with people from the human race, I can go for 2 weeks with out seeing a soul apart from my beloved pup, mother dearest or big sister, that suits me fine.
I am tired out, tueday I was at the beach, wednesday - drinking, thursday - friends.
My Aunty wanted to know if I wanted to go camping tomorrow. In all honesty I would love to go, I've never been camping before, but I can't I'm so tired. I need to shy away from the human race for a little while.
X

Tuesday, 13 July 2010

Beach

Thank you for all the beautiful comments girls.

I was at the beach today, I went with my aunty, uncle and little cousin. She will be 3 in a few months. It was very sunny, in fact there was a huge black cloud over us the whole day, but we had fun nonetheless (Is that one word<
I really had a lovely day.

I ate over 1800 calories today, although that is a really rough estimate. It was a 20 minute walk to the beach from the car, I was running around after my little cousin and carrying her, and walking through the town, I'm sure I burnt a few calories but with the mammoth intake, it makes a miniture dent.

I woke up at 107.4Ibs this morning, I'm sure I will have rocketed up again tomorrow morning. It was a cold day, my aunty gave me her jacket because I was cold, I tried to decline but she refused saying I needed it more, that I had little to keep me warm as I was skin and bones. I know for a fact that this is a lie, I may be a bit smaller than I used to be, but I used to be 116Ibs (In around February) so I was a bit chubbier, but I am by no means anywhere near skin and bones. It felt nice to her that she thought I'd lost weight though.

I purged last night, 3 slices of toast. It felt good. I felt the need/urge to do it after everything I ate today but it wasn't possible.

I am going to a friends on thursday night so thursday/friday my intake will be minimal.
Sorry this isn't a great post but I knacked and I want to reply to your comments otherwise I will forget.
Good night my beautiful little angels
X

Friday, 9 July 2010

Holiday Panic

Okay I'm paniking about this holiday, my sister said today that we will probably be going end of July, rather than August. This makes me panic because
1. I really need my cuts to heal
and 2. I need to lose weight.

I was 108.9Ibs as of this morning, I really want to be 99Ibs for this holiday. Do you think that is realistic. I have set myself a mini goal of being 106Ibs by Tuesday. I think if I keep setting myself little mini goals, maybe I will get close to 99 by the end of July.

I put sudacrem on my cuts last night and I swear it has made a difference already, tiny difference but hey, it's a step in the right direction.

It's really hard not to cut, but if I find that I really have to, I will cut my hip, at least I can hide it.

Thank you my wonderful, beautiful, perfect little rose petals for all your comments of late, you have no idea how much they have motivated me, and how they have made me so determined to succeed, so thank you.
Love a million times over
X

Edit
Intake today was 984 and I only managed to burn 271 which brings my total down to 713, not great but it's under 1000 so it will do for now.
X

Thursday, 8 July 2010

Rachel's silly misfortune

Thank you all so much for your lovely comments the other night, they really meant so much.

About an hour after I posted that my friend text and asked me to go out, so I thought whythefucknot? So I go out and as I have no money I take a bottle of west coast cooler from the house with me, now that is all I had to drink apart from two shots of raspberry vodka, anyway I walk out to go for a cigarette, and I walk right into the fucking door frame, I know I'm a clampit, but I just laughed at myself for being so stupid and didn't think anything else of it.

I walk home, crawl into bed and go to sleep, I walk up in the morning and holy shit I felt like someone had taken a drill to my skull, seriously it was the worst pain I think I've ever had, I get up and it just gets worse, then I get really nausous and I am sitting over the toliet for about an hour, nothing came up so I was just heaving. I could barely move the pain was that bad.

Yeh turns out I managed to give myself a minor concusson! Yeh I know I'm an idiot. I feel a lot better now though. It's funny I was thinking back and it was around this time last year I split my head on a window, I was turning off an outside tap and I stood up and knocked my head on the corner of a window, blood everywhere, seriously I looked like I belonged in a massacure film.

Yeh you may have noticed I'm a tad clumsy, I tend to walk into things, break things, set things on fire and trip over thin air on a regular basis.

I have decided to try not to complain as much, things really aren't that bad, I like cleaning, like no-one else can clean my kitchen and if they do I go back and do it again, I don't know it's my thing. And it burns a shit load of calories. I am currently listening to Harry Potter on audio because I do not own the books, I borrowed them when I read them last. But the audio is actually kind of good. I found it on youtube and Stephen Fry reads them, and I love Stephen Fry.

I'm trying to have a more postive outlook on things.

I am currently trying to put mother dearest off taking me on holiday. I don't really want to go because holidays mean bikinis and there are two reasons I cannot wear this item of clothing:
1. I am as fat as fuck
2. My thighs and ribs/hips are cut to ribbons

So yeh that would be a fun conversation to have. "Hey Rachel, what's that there all over you, some nutter go a bit razor happy all over you". Yeh, so no, a holiday would not be a good idea.

And I would like to say that I love Rachel, she is amazing, she knows just the right thing to say and says it in the most beautiful way. Your beautiful, I really wish you could believe that. Thank you, your wonderful words really helped me.

And thank you to everyone else who left a comment, I tried to get round and thank you all on your blogs, if I missed you, I apologise.
X

Tuesday, 6 July 2010

Lost

My life has reduced to nothing
I have nothing to live for
No college to go to
No job to go to
No friends to see
Nothing

My whole summer will consist of cleaning and tidying, the house and my room.

I will wake up and wash dishes, I will clean the kitchen, I will tidy up the living room, I will put on washing, I will tidy up my room, I will hoover.

I will wake up and do this day after day after day.

If I were to not wake up on the morning, the one and only thing that would change would be that the dishes would not be done.

I don't want to die
I don't want to live
Why can't I go somewhere inbetween?

Thursday, 1 July 2010

Your Blogs

I have noticed that lately I have been getting quite a few followers, and for that I am extremely grateful, I try to keep track of you all, but sometimes I will forget, so if you are following me and I have not yet returned the favour, please leave me a little comment just saying "Hey Rachel, drop by and read me". I love reading your blogs and I would love to read a few more. Thank you to everyone that follows and comments, I really do love you.

Not going to say to much about intake, as I am in full blown binge-mode. I will have lost weight by the time we talk next.

That is all
X

Wednesday, 30 June 2010

Monster Breakfast

Yes, monster breakfast, that is what I am chowing down right now. Toast with sugar, pancakes and maple syrup, a glass of milk, a cup of tea with sugar, cerial with milk and biscuits.

"OMG Rachel, are you at some horrible function where you can simply not get out of eating all this shit", you ask??...... No I'm just a fat, greedy, uncontrolled bitch!!

I wasn't hungry before I started and I am insanely full now but I am still eating.

It is only 11.20am. No more today, I am babysitting later so just tea and water.

I am sick of failing, like really, really sick of it
X

Monday, 28 June 2010

28 June

Okay food intake today was 794 calories, and calories burnt was 317, which makes total intake 477. I'm quite happy with that. Oh and I got some lollies today. Mini Milks. 30 Calories, thats right folks, 30 cals. They're yummy.

Okay just wanted to give you a quick update, haven't really any news. Oh wait I got paid tonight for babysitting, it's only £15, but it's something. I really need to find a job, or more kiddies 2 look after, uh.

Pretty boring post, nothing really to report.
Night guys I love you, you really keep me going you know.
X

Edit:
Okay I've had 175 more calories, which takes my intake to 969, after exercise my total is 652cals. Still better than it has been.
I need to get some structure back, so I know what I'm doing. Ok really going now. Sweet dreams everyone.
X

Sunday, 27 June 2010

Long, Sorry

Okay, this is going to be a long post because I have two topics I want to discuss, my new plan, and my family. I think I will start with family.



I want to tell you about them because I know I have not painted them with the best brush in this blog, but for the most part they are ok. They are good. I love them and just wanted you to know what they are really like.



Okay, my family consists of my mum, dad, big sister and big brother.



My dad is a journalist, and is really a lovely, lovely man. He is kind, and even though he tells crappy jokes, he is funny in a way only a dad can be. I don't see him as much as I should though, I should really make more of an effort to see him.



My mum, I know I don't always potray her in the best light here but I forget how wonderful she is sometimes. My mum and dad divorced when I was 6, and she brought me and my brother up, more or less by herself, she worked a few crappy jobs to make ends meet, she always made sure we had everything we needed, even though she was suffering from depression at the time. I need to learn to appriaciate her more.



My brother. Hum. Well you know a bit about him, what I have told you about the past few days is the way he is. He is selfish, and drinks too much, thinks everybody owes him a favour, and doesn't think about anyone apart from himself, and wants to urt those who love him as much as possible. I have not seen the real him for so long. I don't think we will have much, if anything, to do with each the the foreseable future. I will always love him, more than he will know, but I cannot forgive or forget the things he has said and done.



My sister. Well she is just wonderful, she really is. She is always there for me when I need her. I remember when I was little, when my mum and dad were fighting, she would sit with me and my brother and let us listen to her music and headphones so we couldn't hear them fighting. She is always taking me places and doing things with me. She kind of understands that I'm different to other 17 year olds, but she let me be. I think she is more aware than what she lets on, she never asks questions but I know she is always there. I adore my sister and I know I am so lucky to have her.



Part 2:



Okay, part 2 of my post. I count the calories I eat religously, but rarely count the calories I burn off. I think I am going to start. I would like to know what I am burning. Okay that wasn't really a plan but... yeh.



Anywat to day I have had 790 calories and I have burnt 303 calories, which makes the total about 487 calories. I feel quite good about that.



I want to try and burn at least half of the calories I eat.



I'm dying for a cigarette, so I will go, and if you have gotten this far, thank you, really you deserve a blue peter badge and a gold one at that.

X

Thursday, 24 June 2010

It feels good...

Yip cutting feels even better when I'm drunk. I failed again, today I ate a bowl of cerial, a bowl of soup, 2 cups of tea, a vanilla cappicinno and a massive caramel square. Along with a feed of alcohol.
Yup slicing myself when drunk is probably not a good mixture, but it's working for me.

Okay a pretty pointless post, sorry, I love you all. I will post tomorrow and let you know how I am and most likely apologise for this post. O and I was 109Ibs this morning. Yip I'm still that fat.

I am so sick of failing all the time, it really is tiring me, almost boring me, I'm so sorry, my beautiful girls, I really am. I want to lose this flab, I am so sick of it clinging to me like a parisite.

I will lose it, I have to, I can not continue the way I am, I just can't do it anymore.
X

Wednesday, 23 June 2010

Not the right time

I'm sorry my lovely girls, I am going to have to fail you all yet again. I don't think this is the right time for me to be trying the ABC. I did alright yesterday, but I think I need to go on my own rules for the time being.
I'm sorry, thank you all for supporting me but I know if I continue on this now it will most likely lead to 50 days of binging.

I woke at 6am this morning, so I went walking. My fitness is confusing me, I tried a light jog but only lasted about 15 seconds and I really thought I was going to have a massive coronary right there in the road, but the circuit that usually takes me 50 minutes - 1 hour, only took 30mins this morning?? Hum... it confuses me.

I also did 30mins on the wii when I came back from my walk.

I have had 226 calories already and it is only 10am. I will be restricting, I haven't decided an allowance yet but I will before the end of the day.

I am going to do another 30mins on the wii later, and I am yet again cleaning my house all day, lots of hoovering and moving of furniture.

I was unsure of weather to post this or not, but last night I did something that I haven't in about 4 years, I cut.
I know I shouldn't say it, but it felt amazing.
I can see how I got so addicted the last time, I got that high and I felt everything rush out of me. I did it on the top of my leg, I have learnt from past mistakes on my arm. No-one every sees my legs so yeh. I never did it very deep before, so luckily my scars aren't that visable, except when I get sunburnt, they turn pink, and are extremely noticable, but other than that, you can't really see them.

I always left them as they were, as in I don't clean the blood I leave it, and I did that last night, I don't know why, but I hate to wreak it, the beautiful, delicate droplets of blood.

I felt I could tell you this, because I know many of you do the same, I don't know wheather this was a one of or not, I suppose we will just have to see.

I can't believe I have wasted my whole week. I was thinking to myself, if all that shit hadn't have happen with my brother would it have made any difference. The anwser?
I really don't know, I just know I have no-one else to blame but myself.

I am so thankful I have you all, and I'm sorry I keep letting you all down. But even when I do, you always come back and give me your beautiful words of love and support, and for that I am eternaly grateful.

I make a promise to you, that I will try harder, I will lose this weight.
X

Monday, 21 June 2010

My Plan

Okay my calorie allowance for the first two days of ABC is 500. So I have made a food plan for these two days, to hopefully keep me focused.

Breakfast:
  • Honey loops - 109
  • 50ml of milk - 24

Lunch:

  • Half a carton of soup - 129

Dinner:

  • 2 carrots - 64
  • half can of sweet corn - 60
  • half jar of sweet and sour sauce - 70

Snacks:

  • A can of diet coke - 1.5
  • Coffee - 42

Okay I just managed to get under 500, the total for this ^^^ is 499.5. I know what is it with me and the most random numbers ever.

I don't know how much exercise I am going to be able to do over the next two days because I am in the middle of cleaning my house, that burning cals right? Well I'm going to try and walk or at least go on the wii for a while.

I'm feeling quite good about this, I haven't thought about how I am going to get around my mum when she gets back, but I'll find a way. I want to do this, I think I need to prove to myself that I can.

My brother stared talking to me when he got back from work earlyer as if nothing had happened, I didn't really talk back I just made some noises and nodded. What the fuck is with him, was he hoping I would just forget or something?? Uh I don't know. I'm trying not to let it annoy me because I have enough stresses at the minute with out him as well.

Thank you again my beautiful, beautiful girls for the wonderfully supportive comments. I love you all so much

X

ABC with Kate Lunacy


1: 500 calories
2: 500 calories
3: 300 calories
4: 400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast
I think this is exactly what I need at the minute, to get myself back on track.
Again thank you so much for all the beautiful, beautiful comments. You are all so sweet, my lovely darlings.
Anybody in??
X

Thank you,

Thank you, thank you.

Really I love you all so very much, I truly do.
I wasn't going to tell you this but I feel like I can because I know you won't judge. I am, as I type binging on giant chocolate muffins and jam donuts. I feel vile, but I was feeling... you know when you get that feeling when you know you are going to binge, like nothing you do is going to stop it? Well yeh thats my feeling.

I hate telling you guys about my failings because you give me so much love and support.

I really can't express my feelings towards you all, I really just can't find the words. I find this community the strangest community ever. But in a good way, we have never meet each other but I feel closer to you all than I do to most of the people in my life. I can tell you pretty much anything and know I won't get judged, I know I will only get love and kindness. And I wish we could all make our own community in the outside world. It would be incredible. It would be like neverland, we would never have to grow older, and we could do what we wouldn't when we wanted. It would be magical. I really do feel like you all know me better than anyone else does, because you know all of me.

I really to love each and everyone of you, more than I can say. I will try to get back into regular posting and commenting as soon as I can. I really appreciate all you beautiful comments.

Thank you for finally making me feel like I belong.
X

Sunday, 20 June 2010

Sorry

I haven't posted since Wednesday. I've had a bit of trouble with my family, well my brother. We had a massive fight and he said some really nasty, cruel things to me and my sister. He tried to kill himself last year and told me that if he tried it again, it would be my fault.

Now he has disowned me and my sister, he wants nothing more to do with us, he said.

I have cried so much over the last few days, and I rarely cry, but now I think I have used up all my tears. There are none left.

Needless to say my fast has gone to shit, I still have 3 days left til my mum comes back and believe me I am going to make them count.

I had to stay at my dads with my sister because she didn't want me to stay with my brother. I couldn't sleep and was just so exhaused I didn't have the energy to fight with myself about food. But I will give my everything to these remaining days.

I'm sorry to everyone that gave their support and left such lovely comments
X

Thursday, 17 June 2010

Day 2

Ok it is 10am on Day 2, and I'm feeling ok actually, my headache from last night has gone.
Breakfast for Rachel this morning is a coffee a diet coke and a big glass of water. Water is definately going to be on the menu on lot more today.

I have done 100 crunches and 50 starjumps. I wasn't as able to do as many this morning because I think I must be doing something hard because my neck and back is a bit sore today.

I'm done to 108.4 as of 30mins ago.

All in all I'm in good spirits so far.

I know I've said this a thousand times before, but really thankyou all so, so much, you don't know how much your support means to me.
X

Wednesday, 16 June 2010

Day 1 - Complete

There it is, I did it, now only tomorrow to complete and I have broken my own record, last time, day 2 I caved. Not tomorrow though, I will complete it.

I feel good today, well a part from the killer headache I have, but I haven't been drinking enough water, I'll drink more tomorrow.

Total intake for today is 212 calories because I've had a hot chocolate and a coke since my last post.

I'm feeling good right now. Thank you again everyone, I really think you have made me more determined to succeed.

Hope everyone is doing alright??
X

Day 1

Ok today so far I have had 149 calories, it is 5.05pm.
I've had one coffee and one tea (64 each)
Two cans of sugar free red bull (7 each)
And 1 pint of dilute juice (7)

I was with my nanna and little cousin today. My wee cousin is just the cutest, she really is and I love her to bits. I got a bit worried because my nanna made ham rolls, but I got in quickly and said I wasn't hungry because I had a big breakfast (I told her I'd had 2 slices of toast and a bowl of porriage, I hadn't.)
She then pulled out probably my most favorite biscuits on the world, (caramel digestives) I very nearly caved but then pulled myself together and said no, (I like to dunk all my biscuits in tea) I would need tea with it but it is too hot for tea.

Then she give me a cadburys fucking flake, she went to give my wee cousin some milky buttons so I put the flake in my pocket. We went to my aunties soon after, I was only there about 5 minutes before she pulled out a packet of buns, "Sorry I have to go now, I have to see to the dog", came home and give the flake to Roxy, my dog.

So far pretty successful. I am minding a wee boy across the road tonight, in about an hour, so that will keep me busy tonight.

I also did, 100 situps, 50 crunhes and 100 star jumps this morning too, and I have been running around after my wee cousin all day too.

Oh, oh oh I nearly forgot, yesterday I woke up at 110.2Ibs. This moring I woke up at 109.2!! I shouted woo-hoo when I saw it on the scale this morning. I was so happy. I know it was only 1Ib but after binging for so long, I was so relieved.

Thank you to everyone who has commented, your support means the world to me.
How is everybody doing??
X

Tuesday, 15 June 2010

Okay I suppose...

I'm not estactic with how today went, but I'm not annoyed either. Today was more about getting myself used to everything again after my while of binging.

I weighed myself this morning and I was 110.2. I gained, but to be honest it hasn't annoyed me that much because the amount I ate I should have gained about 7Ibs. I was lucky this time.

Today has been 763 Calories which is maybe more than I wanted to see, but I'm just happy that I had control over what I ate instead of stuffing myself in a blurred frency.

These 763 calories consited of:
  • 4 cups of coffee - 256
  • Half a carton of potato and leek soup - 150
  • A low fat yogurt - 143
  • Vegetable selection - 214 (It had like baby potatoes, carrots, brocolli and cabbage)

I was round at my aunties today with my little cousin, who is just the cutest thing ever, really she is adorable, but my other little cousin was there (well not so little anymore he's 13, ok I realise I probably made myself sound really old there, but I still think of him as about 7.) But anyway, he offered my some dark chocolate and without even a second thought, I said "No thank you". This may not sound very good but I am a complete chocolate whore, so that was good for me.

My mum was making spag bol for dinner, but I said I didn't want any, that was fine but then something got the better of me and I put a spoonful in my mouth. As soon as it hit my tongue I was straight in the bathroom spitting it out, I am nearly sure I swallowed none of it.

Mum leaves at about 5.00am so happy days!!

I'm kind of looking forward to it, I want it.

I want to see the number on that fucking scale go down... Significantly

I can honestly not thank you all enough, for your wonderful comments of support, I no I say it a lot but they truly do mean the absolute world to me. I no with you all behind me I cannot fail.

Expect a few posts a day from me this week, I find it easier to stay on track if I let you know how I'm doing thoughout the day.

I think I got back to everyone who commented but if I left you out, it was purely accidental, don't be afraid to say, because I love getting back to people and hopefully giving some support to those who are supporting me.

It is 8.30pm now, so I might have a cup of tea and then that will be me.

Total Intake: 827

X

Determined

Sitting in college, so have to be quick, two coffees so far - 64 each.
Hopefully this will finally be my last day. Stupid speadsheets! Grr.
I am feeling a bit more positive today, I really feel like I do can this fast now, which helps as I HAVE to do it.

I will not fail again

I can't
X

Monday, 14 June 2010

I have binged like a starved ape today, really it has been horrendous. But tomorrow will be spent, preparing for my fast. I will be having 6 cups of coffee/tea. As much water/diluted juice/diet coke that I can get my lungs around. Two low fat yogurts and a carton of soup.

I will start liquid fasting on Wednesday, I am doing teas/coffees/juice/coke etc. I have wee cups of hot chocolate to, they are 70 cals, so anytime I feel a craving I will have one. If I feel like I am going to binge I will have half a carton of soup.

I cannot fail this.

I will not fail this.

I am going to London at the end of July. I have wanted to go to London for about 4 years.

I will not go fat!
X

I'm sorry I haven't been commenting as much as I should, I have been back in college trying to get work finished, to be honest I'm that tired of it I'm really past caring but...
I will get back to it really soon. I always always read though.

X

Saturday, 12 June 2010

I don't know

I'm not really sure how I feel at the minute, I feel...
I wish someone could explain this to me.
It's like this picture, I feel trapped in my own life, but there is still something in me that is good, that is real, and if I try hard enough I can let it go, and it will do something amazing so it can come back and set me free.

I know I'm not really making sense, I'm not making sense even to me. But I don't feel real right now, sort of lost in a way. But I know that there is still something in me worth fighting for, because it hasn't died yet.

It will help me fight, until I reach my goal.

My mum informed me yesterday that she is going to Eygpt for a week, leaving Wednesday, my brother is going away on Friday, so I will be trying a fast from Wednesday until she returns.
X

Monday, 7 June 2010

I need out

I need out of my house, I need out of my villiage, I need out.

I have been trying to do coursework all day, like literally all day, and I didn't type one single word. I just don't know what to do, I don't know how to do it. I can't ask my my friend because she has just as much to do as I have. I can't ask my teachers because "their busy with more important stuff", and my mum, what would be the point? I was telling her about all the stuff I have to do and how I don't know how to do any of it, and do you know what she said? "Oh dear". Yeh cause that fucking helps! I was thinking, and I truly don't remember a time when she ever helped me with school work, even when I was a child, it was always my sister, or my nanna or grampa, my friends mum, my aunty, or whoever it was that I had been shipped out to, but never my mum.

I cried tonight, I haven't cried in so long, really I can't remember the last time, it must be a year, at the very least. It wasn't very much or for very long, but I cried. I cried because I know I am going to fuck up this course like I have fucked up everything else.
But this course was different, my exams in school didn't matter, my GCSE's didn't matter. Why? Because I didn't care, I didn't try.
But I really really tried with this course, I wanted to do well so badly, and I'm still fucking it up.

I was looking at jobs abroad when I finally gave up on my coursework, but it seemed a bit far fetched.
So I looked for jobs in Belfast, I'm going to keep looking, I really want to work all the hours humanly possible, so I can get my license and a car, then I want to leave.

I want to leave. I want to live in Belfast. I don't care if I have to work 3 jobs to keep myself afloat, I'm going, as soon as I can.

I don't know if I will be back to college next year, it all depends on this coursework that I can't do. But if I do I'm going to spend next year, working, getting my license and a car, and just saving up so when I finish college next year, I have enough money to rent somewhere in Belfast.

I have always been a homebird, I love the village where I live. But something seems wrong about my life here now. It's suffocating me and I can't breath.
I need out
X

Sunday, 6 June 2010

Sorry I haven't posted all weekend, but it has been filled with unimportant stuff that I will not bore you with and I have only been in my house for about 20 minutes at a time once or twice a day, or to sleep, so I apologise.

I have decided to try and eat "normally" until I finish the rest of my coursework and get it handed in, because I need to concentrate and get it done and I can't concentrate, when numbers and questions are running through my head, "Are you sure it was only 50cals?", "are you sure you added everything, didn't miss anything out?" This will only be until Wednesday or Thursday next week, then I will get back on track.

If Erin is reading this then I want to reply to your post because for some reason, I can't comment on your post. But I just wanted to say that people in this country can be really horrible, and the worst of it is, they do it to make themselves feel better. I have a feeling that if anyone else had sat in your seat on that bus they would have been treated in the same way, I know that probably doesn't make it any better but, you are a truly wonderful and beautiful person, and people like that, they rarely mean anything to anyone.

X

Thursday, 3 June 2010

Last Day...

Well kind of. I have to go to hand some stuff in next week but thats about it.

I am going shopping with my friend in about an hour, then tomorrow I'm away out with the same friend (Not drinking though) then on Saturday more shopping in Belfast with my sister.
Then on sunday and monday its back to the coursework. In college on tuesday to hand stuff in, hopefully that will be me.

My intake has been completely shot over the past week or so, but as soon as I'm done next week I can get back on track.

The course I'm doing is a Btec National in Business. Well thats its full title anyway.
It is alright but I think I find it a bit difficult because I'm not that academic.

Hope everyone is doing alright.
X

Wednesday, 2 June 2010

I'm sorry these are all getting very repetitive

What did Rachel do today??




Yes you guessed it.....


CourseFuckingWork!!

I really am sick of it as I'm sure you are of me talking about it. I was only in college until about 11 today, came home and me and my friend did 4 hours of coursework, went back to college to hand it in then went for a walk with our dogs, for about an hour, came home had a shower, about to do more coursework now.

Yes my days have become more exciting than I could ever have imagined.

I seem to have developed a nasty habit of doing work and munching. Not so good, I munched my way through 1300 calories today. So yeh...

I finish college tomorrow but I have to go in for a couple of hours 1 or maybe 2 days next week to hand the rest of my stuff in. But hopefully by Wednesday maybe Thursday next week I will be FREE woohoo!!

I am going to work my little socks of between tomorrow and Friday to get as much done as I can, so I'm not spending the whole of another weekend on it.

Sorry for yet another very repetitive post, just a few more days, thanks for hanging in there guys, really it means the world to me
X

Tuesday, 1 June 2010

uh..

Okay my intake today kinda went to shit. I sat down to do coursework, and kept fucking nibbling at stuff, and before I knew it I had a ham samwich, a bag of crisps, a bicuit, a cup of tea, another chocolate bar, thrown down my neck. It wasn't a binge, but still it wasn't good, that brings my intake to about, 1500-1600 for today. I can't wait for thursday, then I can concentrate on just shifting this, because I am sick of it.

Thank you for all your lovely comments on my last post, really I love hearing from you guys. I really hope their not boring. Thanks again.

Night Night everyone, I love you all more than you could ever know.
X

Sleepyness

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night,, about 4 or 5 hours, I have been doing coursework all day in college, and now I am home, I am going to go to bed, but I just wanted to write my calories, I don't know why but it seems to help me stay on track if I put them done here. Total for today so far is 656 calories. It is 4.30pm now and I am going to head to bed for a couple of hours. I might have something to eat when I get up because I need to head to work, as I have yet more coursework to do.

Hope everybody is having a good day, I will update again later.
My posts are really boring at the minute, sorry, they are all about coursework, but it will only be until thursday, then hopefully they will get a little bit more interesting (although I doubt it), thank you so much for still reading and commenting though, it means the world to me.
X

Monday, 31 May 2010

My Fun Day

Okay I have been doing coursework since 1 oclock this afternoon, it is now nearly 8pm, I have had little smoke breaks inbetween though, but I have still got quite a bit to do, 5 in fact, although I do have quite a bit of one of them done, half an hour should finish it. I have a feeling I will not be getting a lot of sleep tonight.

It's weird I can't believe I have spend most of my weekend doing work. I have never really been that bothered about school work, I mean I didn't do one single minute of revision for my GCSE's, I know I should of but I was told that many times that I was going to fail wheather I revised or not so I thought, fuck it, I 'm not going to waste my time, and as a result of my stupidity I left school with 4 GCSE's, not including maths or science.
But with this course, I wanted to do well, I want to do well. I don't know why it matters to me, but I want to prove to myself that I can do it, if I try.

Okay intake for today:

I had for breakfast, 2 slices of toast with butter (252) and a cup of coffee (64)
Then while I was working I had a hot chocolate (70)
And I am just after my dinner which consisted of 115 calories worth of sweet potato, sweet corn (120) and a low fat korma sauce (100). I had diet coke with it (3) and I am drinking at another pint now (3)

727 Calories. I'm alright with that, I wasn't going to have any dinner but my brain was stopping and I need a few hours more work out of it yet.

That's it for me now apart from my pint of diet coke.

Just a random wee question, does anyone have or think they have a caffine addiction? I think I do, like I have a lot, and I find that if I leave it to long before I have some in the morning I start to get really sore, like everywhere and sometimes I shake, but once I have some red bull or coffee or something I'm fine.

Just wondering if anyone had this?
X

Thanks...

For all the lovely comments on my crappy baking, it looked amazing because the meringue was pink, but it tasted awful, anyway thanks.

This week is going to consist of coffee, tea, diet coke, coursework and hopefully not much else.
I am going to be completely flat out with my coursework so I can get it finished, so that will be a good "I don't have time to eat" or "fine, but I'm having it in my room", so yeh hopefully my week will be a good one, I finish for the summer this thursday!! I'm kind of exciting because I get 3 months off, but them I'm like shit I have 4 days!!

I will get it done, iwilliwilliwill! Ah I hope.
It is 11.20am and I still haven't managed to crawl out of bed yet, I hate bank holidays, it's so sunny and lovely looking outside, the one day it doesn't rain in this crappy country is the day I can't enjoy it.

Uh, anyway I'll update you later.
Love and panic
X

Sunday, 30 May 2010

I felt like I was going to binge today but every thing I made just didn't hit the spot, so I decided to make a lemon pavola, it took ages to make because I don't have an electric whisk, it has just come out of the oven, and it was vile, like completely vile, I don't know what I did wrong, but hey at least I didn't eat it.

Maybe that would be a good idea, make stuff really horrendously then it will put my off.
Bit off a pointless post but I just wanted to share my crappy baking with you.
X
I had around 150calories of cerial yesterday, along with 2cups of tea, and about 4 cans of diet coke. I was in a mad rush trying to get the house cleaned before I went out, but I got it done. Then last night I went to the cinema with my sister, we watched a film called the losers, it was really funny and it was lovely to spend sometime with my sister, I ate 5 friut pastles, and 5 chocolate buttons, and sipped away at some diet coke.

Today I went to church with my sister, which was strange, I haven't been to church in about 7 years, apart from a few funerals, I felt a bit strange sitting in a church, when I don't believe in god, but it wasn't like a proper service, it was more for the kids, like they told stories, and sang songs with silly action, which they seemed to enjoy. After we all went to a park for some lunch, they weather was good and I had quite a good afternoon. I ate half a ham and cheese samwich, two tiny traybakes,a few sweets and a few pringles, I didn't intend eating that much but people kept offering me stuff, and I couldn't help it.

It is nearly 5.30pm, and I've just had a small bowl of pasta, with a bit of cheese and thin ham.
Apart from a few cups of tea, that's me for the day.

I have noticed that I seem to function better, having one small meal a day, such as cerial, a slice or two of toast etc and then having liquids for the rest of the day.

It seems to stop me wanting to binge as much.
I hope everybody had a good weekend, and enjoy your day off tomorrow, (if you get of for the bank holiday.
X

Saturday, 29 May 2010

Shitters

Sorry my links are not working, I don't know what I'm doing with these computers half the time. All the girls I listed in the post previous are all in my followers list at the side, so you should check them out if you haven't already, they're all pretty special.
X

Thanks Helen

Woo hoo, my first award. Thank you Helen, I'm sorry I don't know how do to those link things, But she is called Helen Melon and she is the beautiful redhead right across there >>>>>>>>>

Ha wait I so just did it, woo hoo, you wouldn't believe how much of a technophobe (sp??) I am, so yey. I hope it works.
Ok this is how it works:
1. list your 10 favourite songs on your ipod.
2. state the colour of your ipod.
3. pass on to 11 music loving bloggers.
1. Leona Lewis -I see you
2. Damien Rice - 9 Crimes
3. Ellie Goulding - The Writer
4. Diana Vickers - Songs from the tainted Cherry Tree (Album)
5. Ellie Goulding - Starry eyed
6. Massive Attack - Teardrop
7. Florence - You've got the love
8. Cheryl Cole - Stand up
9. Cheryl Cole - Don't talk about this love
10. Linkin Park - In the end
2. My Ipod is like a blue/purple colour, and its got cool purple earphones.
3. Ok, I don't know if everyone I chose will be a music "lover" but everyone is a music "liker" right?
1. The lovely Holly (BlAnCh)
2. Violet
4. Luna
5. emm.
I hope all the links work :)
X

Friday, 28 May 2010

This displeases me

In the world where exterior looks and image has an increasing importance on people’s life quality and social opinion, eating disorders are one of the increasing psychological problems. There are various types of eating disorders, most common of which are anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa, generally used as anorexia and bulimia. There are a huge number of women and an increasing number of men suffering from either of these diseases. Although anorexia and bulimia might sound to some to be unserious illness, many people die each year because of either of these diseases.

I found this on a website detailing addictions (I think I'm addicted to caffine) and it really annoys me, every time they're is anything said or written about eating disorders, the first thing stated is always about "image", I know quite a lot of emphasis is put on self image with us, but if I was explaining it to anyone, image would be the very last thing I would say.

This was a really random post, sorry things like this just annoy me.
Hope everybodies doing alright, enjoy your weekend.
X

Help!

I am getting nowhere with this stupid fucking coursework, I need some motivation. Motivate me!! Please.

I caved again, my brother made me pasta, without telling me before hand, and I felt bad saying no, but other than that I've had 1 diet coke, and 1 hot chocolate.

Uh I'm getting nowhere with anything. I have to clean the whole house, including tidying my bedroom, doing the ironing, putting on washing, and hanging it out before tomorrow night, and I have 6 full assignments to do for tuesday! I'm pretty much fucked, I'm just not motivated to do anything at the minute, I have been trying to do this coursework for about3 hours and haven't really got anywhere with it.

I hope I wake up in a really productive mood tomorrow and am flat out until tomorrow night, I have to be or else I'm in the shitters.

Loveyou
X

Thank you

For your kind comments on my failure.

I am having just liquids today and tomorrow, but I am going to the cinema tomorrow night with my sister and two friends, I might use the old "I ate loads before I came" but if I do have to eat something I will keep it limited. I am going away with the same people on sunday as well, it's like a church thing, they go away every now and then when the weathers nice for lunch, sort of like a picnic I suppose, I know a few people there but not very many as I'm not really a church person, but I like doing things with my sister.

I will not having anything before I go or when I get back.

It is 12oclock and I have already cleaned and tidy the whole kitchen, and I am going to dye my hair soon too, (Cosmic Purple!!)

I hope everybody is having a good Friday, I was supposed to be going out tonight, to induldge in horrendous amounts of alcohol. But I have declined and I am going to spend tonight and part of tomorrow and part of sunday and all of monday doing coursework, cleaning, Ironing, walking the dog and going on the Wii, are you proud of me?? This is going to be a productive weekend!

Thank you again for the lovely comments
X

Thursday, 27 May 2010

Never be Strong and always give up hope. Be weak always..

Yeh so the quote that motivated me so much, has today become the complete opposite. I did great until 2.30pm, then I caved and had cerial and super noodles and 4 biscuits short of a whole packet of caramel digestives and I am now about to horse a chinesse takeaway down my throat.

I am fasting again tomorrow and Saturday. My binge day is on Saturdays, so I am binging today, and fasting on Saturday.

I hope everybody is having a good day.

I'm sorry I failed, yet again.
X

Day 2

Day 2 and I feel really good. I lost 2Ibs this morning, yey. Not a very long post as I have to go to college soon, but I just wanted to say thank you for the comments they have really helped me more than you know.

I will keep you updated through the day to let you know how I'm getting on.
Thank you, I love you guys.
X

Wednesday, 26 May 2010

Just be strong and never give up hope. Be strong always...

This is the quote I think got my through today, I stole it of Lucy's blog, I'm sorry I don't know how to do links, but she is in the followins lists at the side, Lucy's shadow.

I'm really quite happy with how today went. 384 calories today in the form of juice, hot chocolate and tea.

I walked for an hour and was on the wii for about 25 minutes, 10 of which were spent jogging.

I feel quite good, I'm hungry but good hungry, nice hungry. I'm going to feed my dog, have a smoke and go to bed.

Hope everybodies day was good.
Happy Birthday Holly
X

6.20pm

6.20pm and 199 calories. I feel good about today. 2 cups of tea (64) juice (1) and one hot chocolate (70). I am going to get other cup of tea soon I think.

I got a good bit of my room done today, I bleared my music and just got stuck in. I have to clean the house by saturday night so that will keep me going. It's strange I hate the thought of cleaning, but once I start I love it.

I thought I might cave a little while ago, so I brushed my teeth and put on some yummy raspberry lip butter, from Marks and Spencer. Its so good, it really works. Who wants to eat with a mouth that tastes like toothpaste? And I don't want to wreak my lips.

Hope everyones having a good day, I will update before I go to bed to let you know how the rest of my day went.
I love you all, thank you for the comments, they mean more to me than you will ever know.
X

Hum...

I was debating wheather or not to tell you guys this or not, then I realised I might actually be able to do it if I do. I am trying to fast today. I hope by telling you, then I will be able to do it, because I don't want to have to come on here and tell you I've failed. Again.

I woke up this morning to find I had put on 2Ibs, I am now back up to 111Ibs / 7stone 9.
I am having juice and tea and water and cigarettes. It is 1.30pm now, and I've had 2 cups of tea (64 each) and some juice (1) 129 so far.

I am just back from walking my dog - 1Hr.
I have to clean my room today as well, I really want to get it sorted, finally, because it is driving me nuts, I'll take a few hours later and do it, I also have ironing and other exciting stuff to do as well, so hopefully that will keep me occupied. My mum has gone away until saturday night, and my brother is going away on Friday so I will have the house to myself. This is good as my brother never notices anything.

I hope you are all having a good day, I will post tonight to let you know how I got on, I don't want to come back and tell you I've failed, so I won't.

X

Tuesday, 25 May 2010

Shitters

Total intake for today:1213
It's still only 7.30pm, Maybe a cup of tea later.
I feel like I'm on a bit of a downer at the minute but I don't know why, I went for my walk today, but 3 of my friends came too, if it had of been just kate (my best friend) I don't think I would have minded. Don't get me wrong I love the other two, they're both boys and the four of us are like brothers and sisters, but it didn't feel like MY walk. That probably sounds really horrible, but I like walking just me and my dog. Is that bad of me?

They talked about going out for a while later, but I'm not going to go, I'm not in the mood to be around people. I feel like a horrible person, but the only person I seem to be able to be around lately is kate. I don't know why.

I think I'll just stay in my room for a while, I need shower, and I should really tidy my room.

Oh yeh and I realised today that I have 8 full assignments to do, and have got to the 4th June to do them, I can hardly be bothered doing them either.

Sorry very ranty post again, I just feel a bit strange today.

Oh my mum is going away in the morning and my brother on friday so I have the house to myself from friday to saturday night. I have housework to do and stuff, and I will walk and go on the wii, to I think. This weight is really getting me down, more than usually, it's just that because I'm so short it looks so much worse.

Hope everyone's doing okay, sorry again for the crappy post.
X

Monday, 24 May 2010

I can't think of good titles for my post

My weekend was really good, I spent saturday with my sister, and I was really warm, I wore a dress, for thw first time in a long time, but I wore tights because I couldn't bear anyone looking at my bare legs. We were just sitting in my garden and then we went to town. Later that night we watched Avitar and it was brillient, I really didn't think it was going to be as good as everyone said, but it really was.

On sunday me and a few friends went to an old quary near where we live and it was a really good day, the sun was out and we went swimming in the quary, and we all had fun, so yeh pretty good weekend all round...

Except food wise, it was my binge day on saturday, and I really think I excelled myself, seriously I still have a bit of a podge, it's not pretty.

But I'm back on track, I walked today and had a total intake of 921 calories. Uh what is it with these random fucking numbers, I hate them.

I am going to sleep now because I am so tired, I haven't been sleeping very well recently because it has been so hot, but hopefully tonight.

Thank you to my new followers as well, if I'm not following you, then I am catching up on your blog and will follow very soon.
X

Friday, 21 May 2010

I love my big brother

I really do. It's 4.30 in the morning and he has just killed the daddylonglegs in my room.

I am not a horrible person, I did not get him out of his bed to do this, I swear, he is playing in a football match in England and he was already up.

And I just had the best smoke I think ever. Free from creepy things. It really is beautiful this time of the morning, the birds outside were singing to me.

I prbably could sleep now, but I own't I'll only feel wrected (spelling??) if I do. Only three hours left.

X

Oh boy...

It is 4.00am here and I haven't slept yet, I can't. We have been getting a few roasters here, and I am just too hot to sleep, but what makes it 100 times worse??

I will tell you, there is a big dirty stinking daddy longlegs in my room, now I cannot see this thing to try and kill it, I doubt Icould anyway, and I can't leave my room because my door makes the loudest noise ever and my mum is working in the morning so she would go through me for a shortcut. So what have I done?, i hear you ask...

Well I made a kind of fort, if you like with my duvet that nothing can get in, but which also means I am the most roasting I have ever been in my entire life, really I feel like my skin is melting. Oh well only another 3 hours to go. (I can't get up before my mum leaves or else she makes me do more around the house!)

I hope everybodies night's are going better than mine
X

Kitten!!

It is 5oclock in the evening, and I have had 500 cals, I haven't followed my food plan today because my mum realised I was in a bad mood yesterday, although she never said or asked why, but she took me out for lunch to cheer me up, she rarly does this so I didn't like to offend her.

I also got some oreo's, because I haven't had them in forever and I love, you Americans delight me with your wonderful, cookies/buscuit/yummy things. I always need something biscuit like so I am going to work them into my allowance for the day. And I got a can of pepsi (at 1 cal), some vimto (at 10 cal) beacuse it is simply devine and some lilt (at 65 cal) because I can't remember when I last had it. I was going to get more but I had no money and I didn't like to ask my mum.

When I was looking for buscuits they was a girl beside me, and it must of been about 10 minutes before I realised we were both doing the exact same thing - Picking up every single box, looking at the cals, then putting it down and picking back up, then once we thought we had a good choice, we looked again just to make sure. We both picked oreo's. Strange.

Anyway today has been a roaster here, seriously I feel like I'm melting, so I'm going to have to wait until tonight to go for my walk, because it would be fair on my dog to go now because she is black and she'd die from the heat.

Oh I'm getting a kitten!! Woohoo, my friend's cat had them yesterday, I really want one so I am going to tell my mum that me and my friend nearly hit it in her car and that we had to take it home, that way she has to let me keep it. It's not that she doesn't like animals I think she's just scared of them. I'm going to help her get over her fear.

Okay I will let you know how the rest of my day goes today.
X
I sorry about my post last night. I hate telling you guys I've failed, but I hate not telling you even more, if that makes any sense,

I don't want to let yesterday get me down, today is a new day, there is nothing I can do to change yesterday.

I have tons to do today, I have to walk my dog, clean my room, do the washing, do some ironing, do coursework, clean the kitchen, hoover, and I'm sure there's lots of other fun stuff in there too that I have forgotten about.

I also wrote a list of the food I could eat today, within my 1000 calorie allowence. Then I put the foods into meals, and I have 5 meals, I am going to see how this goes today and then maybe continue with it, because I really think it will be a lot easier, and a lot less stressful, knowing what I am allowed to eat instead of opening a closing the fridge and cupboards about 20 times.

Thanks for the comments on last nights post, I really mean that.
Today will be better.

I will post tonight and let you know how I've done.
Rachel x