Wednesday, 23 June 2010

Not the right time

I'm sorry my lovely girls, I am going to have to fail you all yet again. I don't think this is the right time for me to be trying the ABC. I did alright yesterday, but I think I need to go on my own rules for the time being.
I'm sorry, thank you all for supporting me but I know if I continue on this now it will most likely lead to 50 days of binging.

I woke at 6am this morning, so I went walking. My fitness is confusing me, I tried a light jog but only lasted about 15 seconds and I really thought I was going to have a massive coronary right there in the road, but the circuit that usually takes me 50 minutes - 1 hour, only took 30mins this morning?? Hum... it confuses me.

I also did 30mins on the wii when I came back from my walk.

I have had 226 calories already and it is only 10am. I will be restricting, I haven't decided an allowance yet but I will before the end of the day.

I am going to do another 30mins on the wii later, and I am yet again cleaning my house all day, lots of hoovering and moving of furniture.

I was unsure of weather to post this or not, but last night I did something that I haven't in about 4 years, I cut.
I know I shouldn't say it, but it felt amazing.
I can see how I got so addicted the last time, I got that high and I felt everything rush out of me. I did it on the top of my leg, I have learnt from past mistakes on my arm. No-one every sees my legs so yeh. I never did it very deep before, so luckily my scars aren't that visable, except when I get sunburnt, they turn pink, and are extremely noticable, but other than that, you can't really see them.

I always left them as they were, as in I don't clean the blood I leave it, and I did that last night, I don't know why, but I hate to wreak it, the beautiful, delicate droplets of blood.

I felt I could tell you this, because I know many of you do the same, I don't know wheather this was a one of or not, I suppose we will just have to see.

I can't believe I have wasted my whole week. I was thinking to myself, if all that shit hadn't have happen with my brother would it have made any difference. The anwser?
I really don't know, I just know I have no-one else to blame but myself.

I am so thankful I have you all, and I'm sorry I keep letting you all down. But even when I do, you always come back and give me your beautiful words of love and support, and for that I am eternaly grateful.

I make a promise to you, that I will try harder, I will lose this weight.