Saturday, 31 December 2011

Remember me??

Sorry I've been gone.
I'll be back tomorrow, so be prepared for a long post!!

I just wanted to say Happy New Year!!
And thank you to all of you, I really mean that, every single one of you mean so much too me, and have gotten me though some pretty tough days.

I plan to stop with all the moaning and despressiveness and just lose weight.
Thanks again, I love all of you so much.

Friday, 23 December 2011

Busy, busy bee...

That's what I am at the minute!
Sorry I've sort of disappeared again, I'll explain all when I get back, which will be after Christmas.

Just wanted to say thank you to all you wonderful people, and thank you for all the comments and I'm really sorry I haven't got back to them, but I appreciate every word that you beautiful people take the time to type.

I am in good spirits at the minute, which makes a nice change.

I want to wish you all an amazing Christmas, and remember that Christmas is a time for friends and family and fun, not food, so please try and enjoy yourselves as best you can and make the decision that food WILL NOT ruin your day. Enjoy the time with your loved ones, you all deserve it much more than most.

I love you all very much and thanks again

Friday, 16 December 2011

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

I can see that Mockingbird

I can see that mocking bird, For years he has followed
Now I don't believe a word, I can see that mocking bird
I know he'll never leave though his taunts can't hurt

But when he flies, He's singing lies
And when he flies, He's singing lies

He will never leave my side, Brave though he is I know the countless times he tried
He will need my fear and pride I know he'll never leave and I cannot hide

But when he flies, He's singing lies
And when he flies, He's singing lies

I can see that bird of shame, I won't be ruled by anger and I won't play the game
I can see that bird of shame I'm stronger than that now, I won't bare the blame

But when he flies, He's singing lies
And when he flies, He's singing lies

I can see that mocking bird, for years he has followed now he's seen but never heard
I can see that mockingbird I know it's there behind but his taunts can't hurt

But when he flies, He's singing lies
And when he flies, He's singing lies

And in his bird disguise, He's singing lies
And it'll make you cry, He's singing lies

Sunday, 11 December 2011

You'll never know...

The beautiful Anafly posted this a few days ago, and it was the most real thing I had ever read about eating disorders, and those with them. It showed that we are not what people think. We don't want a bit of attention, we don't want the boys to notice us. We don't want to be models. This says what the magazines never would. If anyone in magazines is looking a bit skinny these days they are immediately plastered with the label of 'Anorexic', and the majority of the time this is not true at all. This piece of writing says what it is really like to have this all going on in your head everyday and that weight-loss is just a symptom, and a very small one at that. But it just so happens to be the one symptom that people take notice of.

If you haven't already, check out her blog, she is amazing.

I just wanted to put this on so if anyone reads my blog and doesn't understand, or thinks I'm just bored so decided to have an eating disorder, then they can read this and hopefully see that this is actually serious.

So here it is:

Eating disorders are diseases of silence. We are all silently screaming for something: attention, love, help, escape or forgiveness. Although we might be looking to fill different voids, we never ask for the things we need. We feel unworthy, that for some reason we don't deserve them. So, we play the game of guess what I need from you. You're inability to guess just feeds our feelings of worthlessness.
When you finally realise there is a problem, it is much too late. We will now fight, lie, and cheat to hold on to the one thing that has given us support. You see the symptoms, weight loss, weight gain, or depression. You watch us starve, eat, purge, and isolate. You tell us to eat or not eat, to sleep or to get up and do something, you can't understand why we can't just get better.
If it were only that easy! Some of us have been living with this, like this, for half our lives or more. We honestly believe it is the thing holding us together. Even when all others see it as the thing that's making us crumble to pieces. It is not just a part of us, but it has become us. It is our identity and who are we without it? Many of us are afraid to find out. Fearing without it we are nothing.
It becomes our sole companion. It is the thing that makes us strong, so that we don't need, don't want and don't feel. It is our cape of invisibility. With it on you can not see us, you can not see our pain and shame, we begin to disappear. Slowly at first and then before you know it we are gone. Lost in a world of pain. Always fighting for control that we never seem to get.
In the beginning the control is easy and the high from it incredible. I can not eat for 4 days, I can exercise for 4 hours a day, or I can throw up everything I eat. I am in control. But somewhere along the road we lose that control and the eating disorder takes on a life of its own. We no longer control it. It controls us. We wake in the morning hearing it's voice and can't sleep at night because that voice is too loud.
We stop listening to anybody except our eating disorder. We believe we are fat, useless, unworthy, unlovable, and weak. We honestly believe that losing weight will on some level make things better. We wake up with thoughts of food; they consume us all day long, and often cause sleepless nights. It becomes all that matters. We listen to the voices that constantly tell us we are not good enough, thin enough, strong enough, a little more and then we can stop. But there's always a little more and it doesn't stop.
You may see us hurting ourselves and not understand; we do not really understand either. We know we must lose weight. We know we must punish ourselves when we feel guilt and shame. We use laxatives, exercise, sleep deprivation, and self-mutilation to take away the pain. Many of us get to the point where the pain is too much and the road so long, we decide it is just not worth it. Since we have no worth, the world will not miss us. If we could just disappear, the pain would go away and we would no longer hurt others with our problems.
Death becomes a way out. Can't live forever with an eating disorder, can't live without it. It becomes the question we will ponder for many, many years before having a definitive answer. Do I want to live? Why? Our reasons not to live may seem mundane to someone without an eating disorder. You can not feel our emptiness or understand our loneliness.We can't share this world of silence we have made for ourselves. It is the thing that may have saved us in the past and might kill us in the future.
You look at the consequence and can't imagine why we would do this to ourselves. We are losing our hair, rotting out our teeth, bleeding when we throw up or even just brush our teeth, dizzy, tired, dehydrated, malnourished, and mentally unstable. And at some point these things do scare us. The first time throwing up blood, passing out cold or being admitted is an eye-opening experience, but not usually enough to stop the behavior. Some of us might even see these consequences as reinforcement that we are succeeding at something.Look, I'm really good at being eating disordered!
To give that up would be giving up a piece of us that we aren't sure we can live without. It is with us in the morning, telling us to get on the scale for the first test of the day. Even if the number is down it's never good enough. Then taking a shower where we close are eyes because the sight of ourselves is so disturbing. Next is finding something to wear. This can take hours because nothing fits right and everything feels tight. After all of this it's time for breakfast? No way we can eat after that disappointing morning.
The day goes on in the same manor. Nothing is good enough, nothing quite right. So we push our selves to eat less, run faster, dance longer, whatever we are doing we must be the best. Then comes night, where the distractions of the day aren't there to drown out the voices. Sleep is difficult when thoughts of hopelessness, self-hate, failures and suicide ruminate for hours. So instead of trying to sleep many of us spend endless hours on our computers, exercising, reading, cleaning, anything to avoid sleeping. We eventually sleep usually for just a few short hours, and then the cycle begins again. Only now we have to beat the day before, weigh less, eat less, do more. By our side our faithful coach and partner filling our heads with criticism, demands and insults.
Although we say we hate the voices and the disorder. We don't hate it all. We love the high of seeing the number go down. We long for that empty, numb feeling that comes with starvation. We thrive on what begins as compliments and turns to worry about our weigh loss.The disorder is the thing that makes us feel strong and special, while at the same time letting us disappear and run away from life.
We will say we don't want your help. Sometimes because we are in denial and actually believe things are fine, sometimes we feel guilty receiving help, because we feel unworthy, and sometimes it has just gone on so long that we have given up hope and accepted that "I will live with this until it kills me".
When we say we don't want your help, those are the times we need it the most. We need you to stand up for us when we can barely stand, love us when we hate ourselves, hold our hope when we feel hopeless, and never give up on us, the way we give up ourselves.
We will push you away. We will make you angry with us. We will tell you we don't need you and to leave us alone. We will throw temper tantrums and even throw food. We will close up and lock you out. We will blow off important appointments. We will do the things we've been told we can't, exercise, chew gum, drink Diet Coke,we will push every limit. We do not do these things to hurt you; we are just scared and feel threatened. You want us to give up something we can't imagine living without.

Tuesday, 6 December 2011

It still amazes me...

That you care enough about me to say such lovely things.....

It feels like Christmas. I put the Christmas tree up last night. And it has been snowing on and off since Sunday night. I have been making Christmas decorations with my nanna and little cousin for the past two weeks. Christmas presents are, well non-existent at the minute actually. Well I have my sister sorted for Christmas.
I have annoying people who have birthdays in December. My nanna's tomorrow, my best friends on Saturday, my dad on the 19th and my sister on 23rd. So I have birthdays to buy for as well.

I do love Christmas, I really do. I'm a big child.
This will be my first Christmas as an adult.

I will be one of those people though, who only grows older in numbers.
I will be young forever.

I wish I didn't have to eat again.

I can eat everything or nothing.
There are no inbetweens with me.

So tomorrow I will eat nothing.
I will see 105.5 again, by Monday.

I will weigh myself in the morning, so I know how much I've to lose.

I haven't cut since the last time I posted about doing it, but I've noticed that I get an urge to cut when I'm healing, when it looks like the little marks might fade away. I don't have any intentions of cutting anytime soon. The last time was obviously a bit deeper because the marks are clearly visible.
Why can I not them fade away?

Thank you all again for being so wonderful

But I was doing so well...

Last week was good, I barely ate anything, I lost 2Ibs in ONE day! I got a new low weight!! I weighed 105.5Ibs!

Then I fucked it up. Again.
I don't know what I weigh now, I'm too frightened to even look.

Purging used to come so easy, I used to love the feeling of getting rid of all my sins, but now I can't sum up the energy to even try.

I don't want to be fat for Christmas.
I am always fat at Christmas.

I want the hunger highs again.
I wouldn't just enjoy them
I'd be fucking delirious with them.

Thanks for the comments.
Thank you so much