Friday, 30 July 2010

I've broke it!

I weighed in at 107.7Ibs this morning.
Now I know it isn't a big loss, but I have broken my 108Ibs, which I have been hovering around for a while now, so I'm really happy.
My next goal is 106Ibs.
I really hope it doesn't take as long as getting to 107. No it won't.
It won't. It won't. I won't.

I'm really sorry, I have been really awful with commenting and replying to comments. I'm really sorry, I always read your blogs and I love your comments. I will get back to it really soon I hope, I just don't feel I have anything to offer at the minute. But thank you so much, I will get back as soon as I can.

I feel a good bit better today, thank you for all your lovely words.

Thursday, 29 July 2010

The lovely Sarah and I decided on a day long fast today, this morning on msn. Now this should have been easy as my mother went out for the day. It was going really well until about 8pm, when I met up with my sister. We were in the shop and she offered to buy me something. I declined and said I was still feeling ill. She seemed to accept this but when we had left she took a brunch ice lolly out of the bag, handed it to me and said it would help my throat.
So I had that.
When I got home I proceeded to have 3 cups of tea.
I know it wasn't awful but for a fast day it wasn't good.

I'm sorry Sarah, I hope your day went as planned and was better than mine.

I'm still not feeling great. I think I will sleep for most of tomorrow. To try and keep my intake down. Sleep and read. That sounds good.

I think I'm getting worse.
I'm getting a headache.
I also found out that I'm allergic to the cough medicine I've been taking.

Wednesday, 28 July 2010


I feel like I am getting a chest infection. I am coughing so much and I feel like I am tearing my throat in the process. Everything hurts, and my back and chest are killing me. I promise I will read blogs and get back to comments tomorrow. I just don't have the energy right now.
I love you.

Thank you

for your lovely words on my picture post and previous binge post.
I'm glad you all think my dog is beautiful. Thanks for the kind words about me as well, I wasn't sure weather I wanted to put it up, but I though, I know what a lot of you look like so thought it was only fair.

I think I am getting hair dye today or tomorrow, so I might post another picture when I do it because it wasn't very purply in that picture.

Today will be better, I know how often I say that, and to be honest I'm getting really sick of saying it, but I am sick of being this weight, I think if I can get to 106, it will be a lot easier to get to 99, then get down to my goal weight.

I need to re-think my food plan I think because atm I'm having:
Coffee and a peach

Coffee, cuppa soup and a peice of toast

Half a packet of uncle beans rice
Diet coke

But then in the evening I binge. What is it with night time binging??

I am going groccery shopping with my mum later, so I will be having a look for some low low low low cal snacky things. I don't think it would be realistic for me to think I could just stop night time eating, but I can help myself by getting things that won't do to much damage, and then try and wean (sp??) myself away from it.

I will have a look for other things as well, I will let you know if I get anything worth telling.

I had a dream last night, well two actually:
Dream 1: I dreamt I was in my kitchen and my brother was helping himself to my honey loops, he used all of them. I was shouting at him telling him they were in my section of cupboard.

I woke up very disstressed, I have this thing with people eating my food, like we have a long cupboard in our kitchen, and the very bottom bit is where I keep my food, and I don't like people having my stuff. When I woke up after this dream I had to go downstairs to check my honey loops where still there. How messed up is that??

Dream 2:
I was back in high school, I had got into trouble and was running away with a friend, I ran into a classroom and hid behinde a whiteboard. Then a class came in and the teachers, there were two, came in with them, they started talking and I recognised their voices, I looked up and the teachers were Jennifer Sauders and Joanna Lumley.

Yeh I have strange dreams. Don't know why I felt the need to tell you that, but yeh.

I think I have ran out of random things to say, so I will go and I'll post later, when I'll hopefully have something a bit more worthwhile to say.

Tuesday, 27 July 2010

I'm a monster

Nom Nom Nom, thats what my night was made up of.

I hate myself for being so weak. It's not that hard, look at the chocolate and the bread and the butter and all other manners of shitty stuff and just say FUCKING NO. Thats all there is to it. Saying no, but I'm so weak and pathetic that I can't even do that

I'm not exactly sure why...

i'm posting this, but I thought it was about time.

Me and my dog Roxy. I'm the one with the skin and unhairy face.
I apologise for the stinking cigarette in the background.
My face looks very fat and pale, but Roxy as usually look perfect and beautiful

Monday, 26 July 2010

Monday 26 July:

Total Intake:

Total Exercise:

Total Intake after Exercise:

It's under 800, so it's fine, not great, just fine

For anonymous

"Anonymous said...
You are beautiful inside and out. Don't let numbers control you. There are so many better things in life to focus on, so embrace this beautiful world! "

Anonymous, left me this comment a few posts ago, but I've just come across it now.
I just wanted to say to them, if you are reading, thank you. Thank you for telling me I'm beautiful, even though it is impossible for me to believe it, it really means the world that someone think that of me. I wish I could stop numbers controlling me, I mean I hate numbers I have dyscallula, a barrier that stops me being able to do any slightly strenuous (sp??Idk) maths, like I can't even divide, but "this" had dragged me into a world full of numbers and I have to look at the numbers on the scale every morning, and count calories thoughout the day, and count how many of them I have burnt. Inches and centimetres and pounds and stones and calories and minutes and hours, they fill my head all day every day.

I know there are so many beautiful wonderful and magical things in this world, and I know better than anyone that I am selfish for being this way. Sometimes I wish I could make it disappear, but most of the time I could not imagine myself "normal" and as sad as it may sound, most of the time I don't want to, this is a part of me, this is who I am. I don't want to stop, because I know I would feel lost without it.



That was my 100th post, down there. I didn't even realise. I can't believe it's been 100, thank you all so much for sticking with me this long, and 61 followers. Holy.Shit. I really can't believe there's so many of you. Thanks. I know I have gotten a few new followers recently. Thank you very much, and I promise I will get to your blogs very soon.

Awake at 8.30 this morning, I did 1Hr 30Mins of housework (-270). I meant to have a coffee and a small bowl of honey loops (cerial) with 50ml milk. But I ended up having a slight mini binge:
Honey loops with 50ml milk - 133
Honey loops with 50ml milk - 133
Coffee - 42
Biscuit - 99
Biscuit - 99
A total of 506cals.

Thankfully I had done the 1hr 30mins of housework, which brings my total down to 236. I have lowered my calorie limit to 800, for the time being. I had a goal of doing 2hours exercise a day, I should be able to get a bit more than that done as I've done 90mins so far and its only 12.30pm. I know most people don't count housework as exercise, but I do a lot of it as it's burns quite a bit so fuck it Imma count it.

Hope your having a good monday so far.

Sunday, 25 July 2010

Comment Reply's...

Sorry I hope you don't mind me doing this here, I thought it would just be a bit easier, and stop me from missing anyone out. I also want to apologise for not keeping up with my commenting, I know I don't do it nearly enough, I always, always read though, and will make more of an effort. I know I haven't replyed to very many comments of late, and I hate doing this, because I appriciate every single word.
I'm so glad someone has the same problem, it gets very annoying, every shopping trip is the same, we should get together and make clothes for the little person, I think that would be a good idea. Love you.

Well I have always been a size 8, so I really would have cried if they hadn't of fit, again it's because I'm so short. Like even when I was 115Ibs I could squeeze into an 8 just about, but being shorter means that if I weigh like 117Ibs, that would make me overweight according to my BMI, so it's a bit . I know I really should cut down on the smokes, but O don't realise how many I smoke, until after a while then I've got used to it, and it takes too much energy trying to cut down again. I think I increased because I'm trying to stop cutting, so instead I smoke more, I know thats not really a healthy subsitute, but I hate cutting. Love

Scarves are great, they always fit, I know the sales girl was a bitch, and not surprisingly, really tall. Thank you, I hope you can sleep as well, I know you've been having trouble with it, and it really is the worst thing, I hope you can find some relief some night very soon. Sending lots of sleeping vibes your way (Hopfully)

Embrace you tinyness! I can see why you would want to be "regular size" though, it is much easier a lot of the time. Hugs and love

I do love getting kiddies things, because they are adorable, but it would be nice sometimes to get things for my age, especially if I going out or something, but I know what you mean, they are really cute. Hugs from me to you

Blue Butterfly:
Ah, fellow butterfly, I love them they're so pretty. My friend is the same she has size 7's so it's awful when we go shopping, everything is too big for me and too small for her. It's crap, because unless you fit into the middle ground, it's virtually impossible to get anything. Sending you lots of fluttery-butterfly-y love

Oh I was in Italy about 2 years ago, it's such a beautiful country, your so lucky. Thank you so much, I will definately get onto reading yours. Love

You know something, I really love you, I do, your so funny and you just brighten up my day. Oh middle ground is not so good. I really don't know how anyone manages to dress themselves at all, because the crappy sizes don't seem to fit anyone. Who are these clothes being made for?? Aw thank you I slept a bit better last night, I just keep waking up like every hour, which makes me feel like I haven't slept at all, uh it's all drama with us. Love and hugs and kisses and everything for you, see your special thats why. Hehe

I was out today, I went around the coast of Antrim, which is really beautiful, it has big massive cliffs, and beautiful views of the sea, and lots of quaint little villages. But we went for lunch, I had a vegetarian pasta, it had peppers and carrots and cheese, I probably ate about 1 third of it. I then got a small slice of bailey's cheesecake, my head was screaming no, but my stupid fat mouth, answered yes. So today I have had that, 3 cups of coffee, 3 tiny little traybakes and a small bowl of cerial.
Even though it was raining, I still had a lovely afternoon with my mum and nanna, I sometimes forget how beautiful this little country is

Saturday, 24 July 2010

This really annoys me

Okay I went shopping today, I usually like shopping because I buy nice things for my hair, pretty scarfs, you know things that alway fit. But today we and my mum walked past river island, they had a sale, mum wanted a look, mum kept handing me stuff to try on.
I hate trying things on in shops. I tried on the jeans

Now usually at this point I look at myself and want to cry because I'm to fat to zip them up, but not today. No today the size 8's slid on quite easily, but something else made me want to shout and cry.

I have never in the whole time I have been alive been able to buy a pair of trousers that fit me - lenght wise. This may not sound like a big deal, I used to laugh it off, but now it's really starting to piss me off. Why should I have to chose between paying someone to shorten them or walking on them and ruining them. Everyone else can buy jeans and just wear them, so why can't I?

And I saw a really pretty pair a shoes, so I asked the girl if they had any other sizes, she was helpful. She brought me round to the shoes and then asked what size I was. I told her a 1 or 2, she changed, she wasn't so helpful, she pointed to the other end of the shop and half heartedly said, down there.

I walked to where she had pointed, she had lead me to childrens. I know this may not seem like a big deal, and I do where kids alot of the time, but these looked very young, with flowers or ladybirds and things on them.

It's like, if a shop did not cater for the larger person they would get labelled as being discriminating, but if anyone complained about things not being small enough, they'd get laughed at.

I love being the size I am, I love being so short and having such tiny feet, but everyone else seems to have a problem with it, it kind of renforces the way I feel about myself, like I don't deserve to wear the same nice things as everyone else, I'm different and everyone should be able to see that I'm different by the things I wear.

Sorry I know I sound like I'm over-exagurating (I should really learn to spell) but it gets a bit tiresome after this lenght of time. If you have manged to get to the end of this crappy boring post, then thank you.

I have been very tired lately, not sleeping so well, I only managed to count calories until and 6.30pm, and then I kind of gave up, which worries me slightly, I never can't be borthered to count calories. (Sorry I know that was horrendous English, forgive me)

Going to try and catch some Zzz, but I think a smoke first, I should probably cut down, I've been smoking quite a lot lately, oh well it keeps me busy.

Love for you all.

Friday, 23 July 2010

Thursday and Friday

Thursday (yesterday) was one of the most boring days of my life. I don't know, I usually like being in the house by myself, doing nothing inparticular but yesterday I was just so sick of looking at the same four walls.
I went out, with my bf Kate and a few friends. We went to a club about an hour away from where we live, it was really good, I like being able to get dressed up, so off we went I had some drinks before we left, some more drinks in the car on the way there, some more drinks in a wee pub below the club, then some more drinks in the club, yes I was completely fucked.
I noticed a few girls, some skinny girls, I even spotted a few hip bones. I didn't feel so nice anymore.
But I got up and I danced, then I danced some more, had more drinks, danced some more (are you seeing a pattern yet??). Then I thought fuck it, I wanna have fun, no-one is paying me any attention, no-one else cares if I'm a bit fat. So I danced for hours with Kate, it was so fucking roasting in there, and the smoking area was just as bad because there was so many people crammed into such a tiny space, so the sweat was dripping of everyone, but everyone had a really good night. We and Kate were so sore, our feet, fuck me. It was painful, but we carried on regardless.
We rolled home around 3.30/4 and I was awake at about 10 this morning.

My sister text me to say she had the day off work, so I rang her to she if she fancied doing something, she suggested the zoo. Eee!!! Yes I am 17 and she is 24, but we will remain 7 in our heads forever. I had to have the quickest shower in history so we could catch the train. It was really sunny and warm, which is highly unusual for this country, so it was a really good day, we walked for hours, but we also ate, I could keep track of what I was eating because we were lifting bits and pieces of stuff all day. I don't feel like it was a massive binge day, but I do feel quite guilty now because it was all bad.

I danced and walked loads over today and last night so I'm hoping it will balance out. I don't want to weigh myself in the morning incase I've gained, but I find it really hard not to, it has become part of my routine now.

I had a brillient day and last night, even though I ate. Thanks for all the lovely comments, I will get back to them tomorrow, I promise. But I really need to have a lil cigarette and go for big sleeps!

I love you Rach, enjoy your leaving party, I'll be there in spirit.

Wednesday, 21 July 2010


I gots an award... woohoo. From the beautiful, wonderful Rainbow Rachel!!

Okay, so 5 likes, 5 dislikes and 5 nominees (I can see that is not spelt right, it looks all wrong, but I do not no why...)



1.Butterflies - I am obsessed with butterflies, I have been for quite a few years now they are just so beautiful. I think that they are also beautiful at their caterpillar stage.

2.Roxy - This is my beautiful springer/lab cross, she is just so gorgous, with her big ears, and I taught her to give me her paw, which is so cute when she does it... Okay I'm drifting of, but trust me she really is the best dog ever.

3.Blogger - This is not meant to sound cheesy, it's really not, but I love you guys so much, I really do, especially Holly, Rach and Luna.

4.Coffee - I really think I'm addicted like I get the shakes if I don't get caffine now, so probably not the best sign in the world, but hey I wouldn't change my breakfast of coffee and a cigarrette for anything.

5.Pink - When I was little, I hated anything that was in anyway girly, so no pink, no dresses, no pretty things at all, but when I turned about 14 I discovered all these wonderful things, clothes shoes Oh shit shoes.

6. I'm only meant to have 5 but fuck it - Shoes - Oh my god I love shoes, I can hardly every explain. It is really hard for me to get shoes because I have tiny feet. I'm a UK size 1, to everyone outside the UK... I'm not sure. My feets are just really tiny and narrow, and even in kids pumps I still need insoles. Although even though it is so difficult to find shoes, I have managed to rack up a total of about 34 pairs - which I must say, I'm quite proud of :)

5 dislikes:

1.England winning things - I'm sorry to any English people out there, but I'm Welsh and I hate you winning stuff because England do tend to go on a bit about things, like the world cup, that was about a bizzilion years ago, and your still talking about it

2.Shopping - I love shopping but not when it's for trousery-type things because these bloody clothes makers don't seem to realise that little people need trousers too. Like petite ranges, almost all of them start at 5ft - which is really no good when your 4" 10.

3.Getting older - I'm sure I don't need to explain this much as I know a lot of you feel the same. In 8 short little months I will officially be an adult. I can't be an adult - I'm not old enough

4.Spots - Need I say anymore? Probably not but I'm going to anyway. I hate spots, they are so bloody ugly, and I have to wait for "nature to take it's course" because I'm allergic to spotcream. I know frigging spotcream. And the sun. I really do have the best allergies ever

5.Animal cruely - I hate hearing about this, like people beating dogs and things. I think people who kill animals should be treated in the same way as if they had killed a person, it's not right and people should be punished correctly.

My 5 people:

1.HOLLY - I love this girl so much, she's my little sister. She is so wonderful and beautiful and special and I wish she could see this.

2.LUNA - I love you Luna, you are the same height as me and your not 11. Thats makes me feel good. You also share my love of all things Harry Potter - and that - is an unbreakable bond. Really I don't know what I'm supposed to do when they finish.

3.MILLIEDOLL - You are the only person - over the age of 7 who loves mini milks as much as me, and I love you for it.

4.SARAH - She used to be my braceface buddy, until the lucky girly went and got hers off, and so I now struggle alone. I loved the pictures from your prom, your so beautiful.

5.CHARR - I love reading your posts, they are wonderful, and so are you. Remember that.

I'm really sorry but I don't know how to do links, they never work but you all know who you are.
Thank again Rach.

Quick recap for today. I had a slight mini-binge this evening, totalling 727, making todays intake 1346. I did 2Hrs 40Mins of exercise (-480) bringing my intake down to 866.
I'm not as annoyed about the binge as I probably should be but I told myself to stop and I did, so I'm quite pleased I had that control.

I really must go now because I dying for some nicotine. Love you girlies

Tuesday, 20 July 2010

20 July

Not to bad of a day, I did eat over 900cals, I had 1087. I exercised for two hours and burnt 527 which puts my intake down to 560. So I am not to annoyed about going over.

I had my 2litres of water aswell.

It is 10.30pm and I am heading to bed because I got my braces tightened today and good lord am I in pain!! My wee mouth very sore, it hurts my jaw and my head, so some tablets and off to bed for me.
It really hurts, but it's nice to have a real reason not to eat, instead of lying all the time.

I found my old skipping rope, I used to love skipping when I was little. I did a bit today, and really enjoyed it, I'm definately going to keep it up because just 15 minutes of it burns 129cals, so yeh.

How are you guys doing???
I just wanna say that Rachel, I love you, I am so glad I found you, well that you found me rather but yeh, you are a wonderful person and I'm lucky to know you, even if it is just over blogger. Love
Love to all of my girls

"I know exactly what I want and who I want to be"

Which is why today can only end in success, and it will!
I love you beautiful girls

Monday, 19 July 2010

Oh No!

I am insanely happy right now, witch is not something I am very often at all. I have a feeling though that if I were to take out my head phones I would not be as happy.

I am listening to Oh No! by Marina and the Diamonds. You should really listen to it. It's wonderful.

Don't do love, don't do friends
I'm only after success
Don't need a relationship
I'll never soften my grip

Don't want cash, don't want car
Want it fast, want it hard
Don't need money, don't need fame
I just want to make a change
I just wanna change (x5)

I know exactly what I want and who I want to be
I know exactly why I walk and talk like a machine
I'm now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy
Oh, oh no, oh no, oh no

One track mind, one track heart
If I fail, I'll fall apart
Maybe it is all a test
Cause I feel like I'm the worst
So I always act like I'm the best

If you are not very careful
Your possessions will possess you
TV taught me how to feel
Now real life has no appeal
It has no appeal (x5)

(chorus repeat twice)

I know exactly what I want and who I want to be
I know exactly why I walk and talk like a machine
I'm now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy
Oh, oh no, oh no, oh no

I'm gonna live, I'm gonna fly,
I'm gonna fail, I'm gonna die,
I'm gonna live, I'm gonna fly
I'm gonna fail, gonna die, die, die, die

(chorus repeat twice)

I know exactly what I want and who I want to be
I know exactly why I walk and talk like a machine
I'm now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy
Oh, oh no, oh no, oh no


Oh, oh no, oh no, oh no

The bits in pink are what I feel is talking to me.
I love you all

I'm going to change

I've said all this "fresh start" shite a million times before, but yesterday I had a day that I haven't had in quite a while. It was one of those days when when I felt...
Nothing really, I was tired but couldn't sleep, drinking didn't quench my thirst, punching my ribs didn't hurt. I wanted to cut so bad but I didn't I ate instead. And guess what?
I didn't feel it.

So today I am changing.
2 litres of water a day
Exercising for 2 hours a day
900 calories a day
1 meal a day in the evening
small snacks throughout the day
I am going to comment so much more
and try to post more, although some days I have little to say, but I will try.

I am sure I will be changing the the times and numbers as time goes on but this is just for now.

I mean in about commenting more, I love when I see I have gotten a new comment, because I know it will be filled with love and support and kindness, I am going to make a better effort to return that kindness.

I think it was Lucy's shadow that asked when I was going on holidays. Well I'm not. This summer has been a huge cockup, holiday wise. I was supposed to go to London but then me and my sister wanted to go away so my mum said we can go to London for my birthday. Then me and my sister couldn't find anywhere to go, so looks like I'm staying put.

Uh, I don't really mind to much because my weight is all over the place (108 yesterday morning), my cuts are doing really well, they are almost gone, but not quite. And at least now I can concentrate on losing.

Thank you for the comments.
I love you guys.

Sunday, 18 July 2010

Am I following you???

I have spent most of my sunday afternoon trying to make sure I follow everyone who follows me, because I don't like knowing that you girls have taken the time to follow me, and read my blog for me then to not return the favour. There are a few of you though that I can't seem to find.
If you follow me and your name is:
1.Mary kim

and you found like me to follow you, please leave a comment so I can get the link to your blog. I really mean it, it means so much to me that you all take the time to read, follow, comment and offer you support, love and wisdom, it really really does.
I want to apologise as well because I realise some of you have been following me for quite a while, so please excuse my lateness

Saturday, 17 July 2010

Fanx muchly

for all the beautiful comments, I know I sound like a broken record but they mean so much to me. Ok something weird just happened, I have just woken up from a 13hour sleep. 13 Fucking hour! 13!! Holy shit, my mum said she came in to check I was still alive and thought I'd fallen into a coma, I looked peaceful apparently.

So yeah I thought maybe I'll go camping, but I was too late, I'll go next time though. I don't know what I'm doing today, I have to go and see my dady, he's not well, he has blood poisoning, he's leg is all swollen and he can't walk so well. He got tablets which is good because the last time he had this he ended up in hospital on a drip, at least he knew what it was this time. Then I have some housework to do. (I've decided to look at housework from a different angle, it's not that bad, I do enjoy it it's calming and hey I burn lots of cals.) I also plan to read today.

I used to be a complete bookworm when I was little, but rearly read now. I find I am a bit slow, not dyslexic, just slow, so I tend to shy away from it, but I want to read again, I loved it. I have 3 books at the minute,
Harry Potter And The Chamber of Secrets Now these I can read, I have read them all before and I love them
Withering Tights by Louise Rennison I read a whole series of books by her when I was about 13 and remember them being good, funny. It's just looked at the whole growing up thing, being a teenager, and trying to show its not as bad as we think. As you can see I don't take them that way, oh well still a good read.
Percy Jackson And The Lightening Thief: I just realised that this is now a film, I was wondering if anyone had read these? Let me know if you have.

Okay I realise that these are not the most challenging books in the world, but I have not read since I was 15 probably, even then I only read Harry Potter, so I was 13 the last time I was reading properly. I know, I feel awful, I really hope I can get back into it, and move up to "the grown up" books hehe.
If anyone has any recommendations, book-wise, please let me know. It would be much appreciated.
Enjoy your weekend everyone.

I just wanna say that, Rachel and Luna, I love you girls so much you are always commenting and saying just the right things to make me feel a bit better, so thank you for that.
Rachel, we will most definately, I hope the earth lets our paths cross, it's cruel how we get on so well with people we will never meet. Thanks, your my beautiful twin, I love you
And luna, I will definately go camping next time they are going, you sound like you have fun on your camping trips, I would love to go on one with you. I Love you.

I love every single one of you, I find it had to explain how I feel about you all, but everytime I log on and see I have recieved a comment my heart flutters. And when I don't have the change to read your blogs I pine for you. I love you, thank you so much for making me apart of this wonderful, magical community.

Friday, 16 July 2010

Where am I?

I am tired, socalising is tiring. I don't much like it anymore.

I was at a friends on Wednesday night, got drunk, ate too much, not a binge but ate, nonetheless, sobered up, had to clean up sick from said friends back garden, stupid boy, he's not a good drinker so he buys and drinks a whole bottle of vodka, yeh good move. Anyway clean up, ship everyone home, climb into bed with same said friend, slept for two hours woke for 1, slept for another 5, awake for another 1, slept for 2. Get up with worst hangover known to man, (May I remind you that I went to sleep sober, wtf is up with that?!) Pratically crawl home, fall into shower, go to another friends watch lots of films, eat enough food to keep alive a family of 4 for a week. Have I ever told you about my friends, Ben and Jerry?? Well I hate them, they're pricks!

Sleep for 2 hours, crawl home, climb sleepily upstairs and read 40 missed blog posts, make a post of my own.

My past few days. Not very exciting as you can see.

I am not used to mixing with people from the human race, I can go for 2 weeks with out seeing a soul apart from my beloved pup, mother dearest or big sister, that suits me fine.
I am tired out, tueday I was at the beach, wednesday - drinking, thursday - friends.
My Aunty wanted to know if I wanted to go camping tomorrow. In all honesty I would love to go, I've never been camping before, but I can't I'm so tired. I need to shy away from the human race for a little while.

Tuesday, 13 July 2010


Thank you for all the beautiful comments girls.

I was at the beach today, I went with my aunty, uncle and little cousin. She will be 3 in a few months. It was very sunny, in fact there was a huge black cloud over us the whole day, but we had fun nonetheless (Is that one word<
I really had a lovely day.

I ate over 1800 calories today, although that is a really rough estimate. It was a 20 minute walk to the beach from the car, I was running around after my little cousin and carrying her, and walking through the town, I'm sure I burnt a few calories but with the mammoth intake, it makes a miniture dent.

I woke up at 107.4Ibs this morning, I'm sure I will have rocketed up again tomorrow morning. It was a cold day, my aunty gave me her jacket because I was cold, I tried to decline but she refused saying I needed it more, that I had little to keep me warm as I was skin and bones. I know for a fact that this is a lie, I may be a bit smaller than I used to be, but I used to be 116Ibs (In around February) so I was a bit chubbier, but I am by no means anywhere near skin and bones. It felt nice to her that she thought I'd lost weight though.

I purged last night, 3 slices of toast. It felt good. I felt the need/urge to do it after everything I ate today but it wasn't possible.

I am going to a friends on thursday night so thursday/friday my intake will be minimal.
Sorry this isn't a great post but I knacked and I want to reply to your comments otherwise I will forget.
Good night my beautiful little angels

Friday, 9 July 2010

Holiday Panic

Okay I'm paniking about this holiday, my sister said today that we will probably be going end of July, rather than August. This makes me panic because
1. I really need my cuts to heal
and 2. I need to lose weight.

I was 108.9Ibs as of this morning, I really want to be 99Ibs for this holiday. Do you think that is realistic. I have set myself a mini goal of being 106Ibs by Tuesday. I think if I keep setting myself little mini goals, maybe I will get close to 99 by the end of July.

I put sudacrem on my cuts last night and I swear it has made a difference already, tiny difference but hey, it's a step in the right direction.

It's really hard not to cut, but if I find that I really have to, I will cut my hip, at least I can hide it.

Thank you my wonderful, beautiful, perfect little rose petals for all your comments of late, you have no idea how much they have motivated me, and how they have made me so determined to succeed, so thank you.
Love a million times over

Intake today was 984 and I only managed to burn 271 which brings my total down to 713, not great but it's under 1000 so it will do for now.

Thursday, 8 July 2010

Rachel's silly misfortune

Thank you all so much for your lovely comments the other night, they really meant so much.

About an hour after I posted that my friend text and asked me to go out, so I thought whythefucknot? So I go out and as I have no money I take a bottle of west coast cooler from the house with me, now that is all I had to drink apart from two shots of raspberry vodka, anyway I walk out to go for a cigarette, and I walk right into the fucking door frame, I know I'm a clampit, but I just laughed at myself for being so stupid and didn't think anything else of it.

I walk home, crawl into bed and go to sleep, I walk up in the morning and holy shit I felt like someone had taken a drill to my skull, seriously it was the worst pain I think I've ever had, I get up and it just gets worse, then I get really nausous and I am sitting over the toliet for about an hour, nothing came up so I was just heaving. I could barely move the pain was that bad.

Yeh turns out I managed to give myself a minor concusson! Yeh I know I'm an idiot. I feel a lot better now though. It's funny I was thinking back and it was around this time last year I split my head on a window, I was turning off an outside tap and I stood up and knocked my head on the corner of a window, blood everywhere, seriously I looked like I belonged in a massacure film.

Yeh you may have noticed I'm a tad clumsy, I tend to walk into things, break things, set things on fire and trip over thin air on a regular basis.

I have decided to try not to complain as much, things really aren't that bad, I like cleaning, like no-one else can clean my kitchen and if they do I go back and do it again, I don't know it's my thing. And it burns a shit load of calories. I am currently listening to Harry Potter on audio because I do not own the books, I borrowed them when I read them last. But the audio is actually kind of good. I found it on youtube and Stephen Fry reads them, and I love Stephen Fry.

I'm trying to have a more postive outlook on things.

I am currently trying to put mother dearest off taking me on holiday. I don't really want to go because holidays mean bikinis and there are two reasons I cannot wear this item of clothing:
1. I am as fat as fuck
2. My thighs and ribs/hips are cut to ribbons

So yeh that would be a fun conversation to have. "Hey Rachel, what's that there all over you, some nutter go a bit razor happy all over you". Yeh, so no, a holiday would not be a good idea.

And I would like to say that I love Rachel, she is amazing, she knows just the right thing to say and says it in the most beautiful way. Your beautiful, I really wish you could believe that. Thank you, your wonderful words really helped me.

And thank you to everyone else who left a comment, I tried to get round and thank you all on your blogs, if I missed you, I apologise.

Tuesday, 6 July 2010


My life has reduced to nothing
I have nothing to live for
No college to go to
No job to go to
No friends to see

My whole summer will consist of cleaning and tidying, the house and my room.

I will wake up and wash dishes, I will clean the kitchen, I will tidy up the living room, I will put on washing, I will tidy up my room, I will hoover.

I will wake up and do this day after day after day.

If I were to not wake up on the morning, the one and only thing that would change would be that the dishes would not be done.

I don't want to die
I don't want to live
Why can't I go somewhere inbetween?

Thursday, 1 July 2010

Your Blogs

I have noticed that lately I have been getting quite a few followers, and for that I am extremely grateful, I try to keep track of you all, but sometimes I will forget, so if you are following me and I have not yet returned the favour, please leave me a little comment just saying "Hey Rachel, drop by and read me". I love reading your blogs and I would love to read a few more. Thank you to everyone that follows and comments, I really do love you.

Not going to say to much about intake, as I am in full blown binge-mode. I will have lost weight by the time we talk next.

That is all