Monday, 26 July 2010

For anonymous

"Anonymous said...
You are beautiful inside and out. Don't let numbers control you. There are so many better things in life to focus on, so embrace this beautiful world! "

Anonymous, left me this comment a few posts ago, but I've just come across it now.
I just wanted to say to them, if you are reading, thank you. Thank you for telling me I'm beautiful, even though it is impossible for me to believe it, it really means the world that someone think that of me. I wish I could stop numbers controlling me, I mean I hate numbers I have dyscallula, a barrier that stops me being able to do any slightly strenuous (sp??Idk) maths, like I can't even divide, but "this" had dragged me into a world full of numbers and I have to look at the numbers on the scale every morning, and count calories thoughout the day, and count how many of them I have burnt. Inches and centimetres and pounds and stones and calories and minutes and hours, they fill my head all day every day.

I know there are so many beautiful wonderful and magical things in this world, and I know better than anyone that I am selfish for being this way. Sometimes I wish I could make it disappear, but most of the time I could not imagine myself "normal" and as sad as it may sound, most of the time I don't want to, this is a part of me, this is who I am. I don't want to stop, because I know I would feel lost without it.



  1. I hear you--I've been on a roller coaster with feeling that same way...being lost without being part of me...not wanting it to disappear but at the same time i've had some weeks and sometimes even a month or so of feeling like i want to bust this in the ass and not deal with it anymore...its a constant struggle.
    It's easier said than just stop focusing on numbers and embrace the beautiful sounds so easy but if you really want it it can happen darling--so thats the secret that you need to remember!!! if you really really want to you can become "normal" and you will NOT feel lost without it. its hard you need to take baby steps and take it one day at a time.
    i understand exactly how you feel <3

  2. i understand all of that.
    if i had a genie, i would wish that the pain of all of this left us all.

  3. anonymous is right, you are beautiful but i understand how impossible it can be to believe ...numbers are so controlling and obsessive even when you hate them. *hugs* xo

  4. if ever you feel the need to make it disappear but are too frightened of feeling too lost.. go for it anyway. cos there will be people like me who will act as maps and help you stay on route whilst you overcome the dreaded number battle :) iloveyou :) xxx

  5. eeeek you have msn :) this you'll have to share with me :) and get faceyb you muppet :L actually don't. you'll get addicted to it like me and waste so much of your time :L and yeas i get that feeling.. like there would just be this empty space in you?! ahhh!! i want to meet too! it'd be a desperate shame if we didn't. oh the wonders of blogger :') howevs then youd have to see me in my unfit fat state :( je t'aime :) xxx

  6. What is normal anyway? White picket fence, 2.5 children and a dog?
    If you stay relatively healthy and and don't have a freak accident or whatever, chances are you still have over 60yrs left to live.
    Live the life you want to live. And if you don't like it in 30yrs time, you can still change it. Thats what I believe anyway.
    I love you rachel and one day your beauty will be so shockingly overwhelming that it would be impossible for you to not see it :) it'l be like BAM! Hope I'll be around to see you coming to that realization. We'll have a huge party XD

    btw, math is overated, I dont know why its still being forced upon kids. Why not teach them things they'll actually need to know, like dealing with our relationships with other people and with ourselves.
    Im sorry that you had to struggle with this.

    geez I'm rambling now sorry. But it would be awesome to have a proper conversation with you :)
    Hope you have the sweetest dreams