Wednesday, 30 June 2010
"OMG Rachel, are you at some horrible function where you can simply not get out of eating all this shit", you ask??...... No I'm just a fat, greedy, uncontrolled bitch!!
I wasn't hungry before I started and I am insanely full now but I am still eating.
It is only 11.20am. No more today, I am babysitting later so just tea and water.
I am sick of failing, like really, really sick of it
Monday, 28 June 2010
Okay just wanted to give you a quick update, haven't really any news. Oh wait I got paid tonight for babysitting, it's only £15, but it's something. I really need to find a job, or more kiddies 2 look after, uh.
Pretty boring post, nothing really to report.
Night guys I love you, you really keep me going you know.
Okay I've had 175 more calories, which takes my intake to 969, after exercise my total is 652cals. Still better than it has been.
I need to get some structure back, so I know what I'm doing. Ok really going now. Sweet dreams everyone.
Sunday, 27 June 2010
I want to tell you about them because I know I have not painted them with the best brush in this blog, but for the most part they are ok. They are good. I love them and just wanted you to know what they are really like.
Okay, my family consists of my mum, dad, big sister and big brother.
My dad is a journalist, and is really a lovely, lovely man. He is kind, and even though he tells crappy jokes, he is funny in a way only a dad can be. I don't see him as much as I should though, I should really make more of an effort to see him.
My mum, I know I don't always potray her in the best light here but I forget how wonderful she is sometimes. My mum and dad divorced when I was 6, and she brought me and my brother up, more or less by herself, she worked a few crappy jobs to make ends meet, she always made sure we had everything we needed, even though she was suffering from depression at the time. I need to learn to appriaciate her more.
My brother. Hum. Well you know a bit about him, what I have told you about the past few days is the way he is. He is selfish, and drinks too much, thinks everybody owes him a favour, and doesn't think about anyone apart from himself, and wants to urt those who love him as much as possible. I have not seen the real him for so long. I don't think we will have much, if anything, to do with each the the foreseable future. I will always love him, more than he will know, but I cannot forgive or forget the things he has said and done.
My sister. Well she is just wonderful, she really is. She is always there for me when I need her. I remember when I was little, when my mum and dad were fighting, she would sit with me and my brother and let us listen to her music and headphones so we couldn't hear them fighting. She is always taking me places and doing things with me. She kind of understands that I'm different to other 17 year olds, but she let me be. I think she is more aware than what she lets on, she never asks questions but I know she is always there. I adore my sister and I know I am so lucky to have her.
Okay, part 2 of my post. I count the calories I eat religously, but rarely count the calories I burn off. I think I am going to start. I would like to know what I am burning. Okay that wasn't really a plan but... yeh.
Anywat to day I have had 790 calories and I have burnt 303 calories, which makes the total about 487 calories. I feel quite good about that.
I want to try and burn at least half of the calories I eat.
I'm dying for a cigarette, so I will go, and if you have gotten this far, thank you, really you deserve a blue peter badge and a gold one at that.
Thursday, 24 June 2010
Yup slicing myself when drunk is probably not a good mixture, but it's working for me.
Okay a pretty pointless post, sorry, I love you all. I will post tomorrow and let you know how I am and most likely apologise for this post. O and I was 109Ibs this morning. Yip I'm still that fat.
I am so sick of failing all the time, it really is tiring me, almost boring me, I'm so sorry, my beautiful girls, I really am. I want to lose this flab, I am so sick of it clinging to me like a parisite.
I will lose it, I have to, I can not continue the way I am, I just can't do it anymore.
Wednesday, 23 June 2010
I'm sorry, thank you all for supporting me but I know if I continue on this now it will most likely lead to 50 days of binging.
I woke at 6am this morning, so I went walking. My fitness is confusing me, I tried a light jog but only lasted about 15 seconds and I really thought I was going to have a massive coronary right there in the road, but the circuit that usually takes me 50 minutes - 1 hour, only took 30mins this morning?? Hum... it confuses me.
I also did 30mins on the wii when I came back from my walk.
I have had 226 calories already and it is only 10am. I will be restricting, I haven't decided an allowance yet but I will before the end of the day.
I am going to do another 30mins on the wii later, and I am yet again cleaning my house all day, lots of hoovering and moving of furniture.
I was unsure of weather to post this or not, but last night I did something that I haven't in about 4 years, I cut.
I know I shouldn't say it, but it felt amazing.
I can see how I got so addicted the last time, I got that high and I felt everything rush out of me. I did it on the top of my leg, I have learnt from past mistakes on my arm. No-one every sees my legs so yeh. I never did it very deep before, so luckily my scars aren't that visable, except when I get sunburnt, they turn pink, and are extremely noticable, but other than that, you can't really see them.
I always left them as they were, as in I don't clean the blood I leave it, and I did that last night, I don't know why, but I hate to wreak it, the beautiful, delicate droplets of blood.
I felt I could tell you this, because I know many of you do the same, I don't know wheather this was a one of or not, I suppose we will just have to see.
I can't believe I have wasted my whole week. I was thinking to myself, if all that shit hadn't have happen with my brother would it have made any difference. The anwser?
I really don't know, I just know I have no-one else to blame but myself.
I am so thankful I have you all, and I'm sorry I keep letting you all down. But even when I do, you always come back and give me your beautiful words of love and support, and for that I am eternaly grateful.
I make a promise to you, that I will try harder, I will lose this weight.
Monday, 21 June 2010
- Honey loops - 109
- 50ml of milk - 24
- Half a carton of soup - 129
- 2 carrots - 64
- half can of sweet corn - 60
- half jar of sweet and sour sauce - 70
- A can of diet coke - 1.5
- Coffee - 42
Okay I just managed to get under 500, the total for this ^^^ is 499.5. I know what is it with me and the most random numbers ever.
I don't know how much exercise I am going to be able to do over the next two days because I am in the middle of cleaning my house, that burning cals right? Well I'm going to try and walk or at least go on the wii for a while.
I'm feeling quite good about this, I haven't thought about how I am going to get around my mum when she gets back, but I'll find a way. I want to do this, I think I need to prove to myself that I can.
My brother stared talking to me when he got back from work earlyer as if nothing had happened, I didn't really talk back I just made some noises and nodded. What the fuck is with him, was he hoping I would just forget or something?? Uh I don't know. I'm trying not to let it annoy me because I have enough stresses at the minute with out him as well.
Thank you again my beautiful, beautiful girls for the wonderfully supportive comments. I love you all so much
1: 500 calories
2: 500 calories
3: 300 calories
4: 400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
Really I love you all so very much, I truly do.
I wasn't going to tell you this but I feel like I can because I know you won't judge. I am, as I type binging on giant chocolate muffins and jam donuts. I feel vile, but I was feeling... you know when you get that feeling when you know you are going to binge, like nothing you do is going to stop it? Well yeh thats my feeling.
I hate telling you guys about my failings because you give me so much love and support.
I really can't express my feelings towards you all, I really just can't find the words. I find this community the strangest community ever. But in a good way, we have never meet each other but I feel closer to you all than I do to most of the people in my life. I can tell you pretty much anything and know I won't get judged, I know I will only get love and kindness. And I wish we could all make our own community in the outside world. It would be incredible. It would be like neverland, we would never have to grow older, and we could do what we wouldn't when we wanted. It would be magical. I really do feel like you all know me better than anyone else does, because you know all of me.
I really to love each and everyone of you, more than I can say. I will try to get back into regular posting and commenting as soon as I can. I really appreciate all you beautiful comments.
Thank you for finally making me feel like I belong.
Sunday, 20 June 2010
Now he has disowned me and my sister, he wants nothing more to do with us, he said.
I have cried so much over the last few days, and I rarely cry, but now I think I have used up all my tears. There are none left.
Needless to say my fast has gone to shit, I still have 3 days left til my mum comes back and believe me I am going to make them count.
I had to stay at my dads with my sister because she didn't want me to stay with my brother. I couldn't sleep and was just so exhaused I didn't have the energy to fight with myself about food. But I will give my everything to these remaining days.
I'm sorry to everyone that gave their support and left such lovely comments
Thursday, 17 June 2010
Breakfast for Rachel this morning is a coffee a diet coke and a big glass of water. Water is definately going to be on the menu on lot more today.
I have done 100 crunches and 50 starjumps. I wasn't as able to do as many this morning because I think I must be doing something hard because my neck and back is a bit sore today.
I'm done to 108.4 as of 30mins ago.
All in all I'm in good spirits so far.
I know I've said this a thousand times before, but really thankyou all so, so much, you don't know how much your support means to me.
Wednesday, 16 June 2010
I feel good today, well a part from the killer headache I have, but I haven't been drinking enough water, I'll drink more tomorrow.
Total intake for today is 212 calories because I've had a hot chocolate and a coke since my last post.
I'm feeling good right now. Thank you again everyone, I really think you have made me more determined to succeed.
Hope everyone is doing alright??
I've had one coffee and one tea (64 each)
Two cans of sugar free red bull (7 each)
And 1 pint of dilute juice (7)
I was with my nanna and little cousin today. My wee cousin is just the cutest, she really is and I love her to bits. I got a bit worried because my nanna made ham rolls, but I got in quickly and said I wasn't hungry because I had a big breakfast (I told her I'd had 2 slices of toast and a bowl of porriage, I hadn't.)
She then pulled out probably my most favorite biscuits on the world, (caramel digestives) I very nearly caved but then pulled myself together and said no, (I like to dunk all my biscuits in tea) I would need tea with it but it is too hot for tea.
Then she give me a cadburys fucking flake, she went to give my wee cousin some milky buttons so I put the flake in my pocket. We went to my aunties soon after, I was only there about 5 minutes before she pulled out a packet of buns, "Sorry I have to go now, I have to see to the dog", came home and give the flake to Roxy, my dog.
So far pretty successful. I am minding a wee boy across the road tonight, in about an hour, so that will keep me busy tonight.
I also did, 100 situps, 50 crunhes and 100 star jumps this morning too, and I have been running around after my wee cousin all day too.
Oh, oh oh I nearly forgot, yesterday I woke up at 110.2Ibs. This moring I woke up at 109.2!! I shouted woo-hoo when I saw it on the scale this morning. I was so happy. I know it was only 1Ib but after binging for so long, I was so relieved.
Thank you to everyone who has commented, your support means the world to me.
How is everybody doing??
Tuesday, 15 June 2010
I weighed myself this morning and I was 110.2. I gained, but to be honest it hasn't annoyed me that much because the amount I ate I should have gained about 7Ibs. I was lucky this time.
Today has been 763 Calories which is maybe more than I wanted to see, but I'm just happy that I had control over what I ate instead of stuffing myself in a blurred frency.
These 763 calories consited of:
- 4 cups of coffee - 256
- Half a carton of potato and leek soup - 150
- A low fat yogurt - 143
- Vegetable selection - 214 (It had like baby potatoes, carrots, brocolli and cabbage)
I was round at my aunties today with my little cousin, who is just the cutest thing ever, really she is adorable, but my other little cousin was there (well not so little anymore he's 13, ok I realise I probably made myself sound really old there, but I still think of him as about 7.) But anyway, he offered my some dark chocolate and without even a second thought, I said "No thank you". This may not sound very good but I am a complete chocolate whore, so that was good for me.
My mum was making spag bol for dinner, but I said I didn't want any, that was fine but then something got the better of me and I put a spoonful in my mouth. As soon as it hit my tongue I was straight in the bathroom spitting it out, I am nearly sure I swallowed none of it.
Mum leaves at about 5.00am so happy days!!
I'm kind of looking forward to it, I want it.
I want to see the number on that fucking scale go down... Significantly
I can honestly not thank you all enough, for your wonderful comments of support, I no I say it a lot but they truly do mean the absolute world to me. I no with you all behind me I cannot fail.
Expect a few posts a day from me this week, I find it easier to stay on track if I let you know how I'm doing thoughout the day.
I think I got back to everyone who commented but if I left you out, it was purely accidental, don't be afraid to say, because I love getting back to people and hopefully giving some support to those who are supporting me.
It is 8.30pm now, so I might have a cup of tea and then that will be me.
Total Intake: 827
Hopefully this will finally be my last day. Stupid speadsheets! Grr.
I am feeling a bit more positive today, I really feel like I do can this fast now, which helps as I HAVE to do it.
I will not fail again
Monday, 14 June 2010
I will start liquid fasting on Wednesday, I am doing teas/coffees/juice/coke etc. I have wee cups of hot chocolate to, they are 70 cals, so anytime I feel a craving I will have one. If I feel like I am going to binge I will have half a carton of soup.
I cannot fail this.
I will not fail this.
I am going to London at the end of July. I have wanted to go to London for about 4 years.
I will not go fat!
I'm sorry I haven't been commenting as much as I should, I have been back in college trying to get work finished, to be honest I'm that tired of it I'm really past caring but...
I will get back to it really soon. I always always read though.
Saturday, 12 June 2010
I wish someone could explain this to me.
It's like this picture, I feel trapped in my own life, but there is still something in me that is good, that is real, and if I try hard enough I can let it go, and it will do something amazing so it can come back and set me free.
I know I'm not really making sense, I'm not making sense even to me. But I don't feel real right now, sort of lost in a way. But I know that there is still something in me worth fighting for, because it hasn't died yet.
It will help me fight, until I reach my goal.
My mum informed me yesterday that she is going to Eygpt for a week, leaving Wednesday, my brother is going away on Friday, so I will be trying a fast from Wednesday until she returns.
Monday, 7 June 2010
I have been trying to do coursework all day, like literally all day, and I didn't type one single word. I just don't know what to do, I don't know how to do it. I can't ask my my friend because she has just as much to do as I have. I can't ask my teachers because "their busy with more important stuff", and my mum, what would be the point? I was telling her about all the stuff I have to do and how I don't know how to do any of it, and do you know what she said? "Oh dear". Yeh cause that fucking helps! I was thinking, and I truly don't remember a time when she ever helped me with school work, even when I was a child, it was always my sister, or my nanna or grampa, my friends mum, my aunty, or whoever it was that I had been shipped out to, but never my mum.
I cried tonight, I haven't cried in so long, really I can't remember the last time, it must be a year, at the very least. It wasn't very much or for very long, but I cried. I cried because I know I am going to fuck up this course like I have fucked up everything else.
But this course was different, my exams in school didn't matter, my GCSE's didn't matter. Why? Because I didn't care, I didn't try.
But I really really tried with this course, I wanted to do well so badly, and I'm still fucking it up.
I was looking at jobs abroad when I finally gave up on my coursework, but it seemed a bit far fetched.
So I looked for jobs in Belfast, I'm going to keep looking, I really want to work all the hours humanly possible, so I can get my license and a car, then I want to leave.
I want to leave. I want to live in Belfast. I don't care if I have to work 3 jobs to keep myself afloat, I'm going, as soon as I can.
I don't know if I will be back to college next year, it all depends on this coursework that I can't do. But if I do I'm going to spend next year, working, getting my license and a car, and just saving up so when I finish college next year, I have enough money to rent somewhere in Belfast.
I have always been a homebird, I love the village where I live. But something seems wrong about my life here now. It's suffocating me and I can't breath.
I need out
Sunday, 6 June 2010
I have decided to try and eat "normally" until I finish the rest of my coursework and get it handed in, because I need to concentrate and get it done and I can't concentrate, when numbers and questions are running through my head, "Are you sure it was only 50cals?", "are you sure you added everything, didn't miss anything out?" This will only be until Wednesday or Thursday next week, then I will get back on track.
If Erin is reading this then I want to reply to your post because for some reason, I can't comment on your post. But I just wanted to say that people in this country can be really horrible, and the worst of it is, they do it to make themselves feel better. I have a feeling that if anyone else had sat in your seat on that bus they would have been treated in the same way, I know that probably doesn't make it any better but, you are a truly wonderful and beautiful person, and people like that, they rarely mean anything to anyone.
Thursday, 3 June 2010
I am going shopping with my friend in about an hour, then tomorrow I'm away out with the same friend (Not drinking though) then on Saturday more shopping in Belfast with my sister.
Then on sunday and monday its back to the coursework. In college on tuesday to hand stuff in, hopefully that will be me.
My intake has been completely shot over the past week or so, but as soon as I'm done next week I can get back on track.
The course I'm doing is a Btec National in Business. Well thats its full title anyway.
It is alright but I think I find it a bit difficult because I'm not that academic.
Hope everyone is doing alright.
Wednesday, 2 June 2010
Yes you guessed it.....
I really am sick of it as I'm sure you are of me talking about it. I was only in college until about 11 today, came home and me and my friend did 4 hours of coursework, went back to college to hand it in then went for a walk with our dogs, for about an hour, came home had a shower, about to do more coursework now.
Yes my days have become more exciting than I could ever have imagined.
I seem to have developed a nasty habit of doing work and munching. Not so good, I munched my way through 1300 calories today. So yeh...
I finish college tomorrow but I have to go in for a couple of hours 1 or maybe 2 days next week to hand the rest of my stuff in. But hopefully by Wednesday maybe Thursday next week I will be FREE woohoo!!
I am going to work my little socks of between tomorrow and Friday to get as much done as I can, so I'm not spending the whole of another weekend on it.
Sorry for yet another very repetitive post, just a few more days, thanks for hanging in there guys, really it means the world to me
Tuesday, 1 June 2010
Thank you for all your lovely comments on my last post, really I love hearing from you guys. I really hope their not boring. Thanks again.
Night Night everyone, I love you all more than you could ever know.
Hope everybody is having a good day, I will update again later.
My posts are really boring at the minute, sorry, they are all about coursework, but it will only be until thursday, then hopefully they will get a little bit more interesting (although I doubt it), thank you so much for still reading and commenting though, it means the world to me.