Monday, 31 May 2010
It's weird I can't believe I have spend most of my weekend doing work. I have never really been that bothered about school work, I mean I didn't do one single minute of revision for my GCSE's, I know I should of but I was told that many times that I was going to fail wheather I revised or not so I thought, fuck it, I 'm not going to waste my time, and as a result of my stupidity I left school with 4 GCSE's, not including maths or science.
But with this course, I wanted to do well, I want to do well. I don't know why it matters to me, but I want to prove to myself that I can do it, if I try.
Okay intake for today:
I had for breakfast, 2 slices of toast with butter (252) and a cup of coffee (64)
Then while I was working I had a hot chocolate (70)
And I am just after my dinner which consisted of 115 calories worth of sweet potato, sweet corn (120) and a low fat korma sauce (100). I had diet coke with it (3) and I am drinking at another pint now (3)
727 Calories. I'm alright with that, I wasn't going to have any dinner but my brain was stopping and I need a few hours more work out of it yet.
That's it for me now apart from my pint of diet coke.
Just a random wee question, does anyone have or think they have a caffine addiction? I think I do, like I have a lot, and I find that if I leave it to long before I have some in the morning I start to get really sore, like everywhere and sometimes I shake, but once I have some red bull or coffee or something I'm fine.
Just wondering if anyone had this?
This week is going to consist of coffee, tea, diet coke, coursework and hopefully not much else.
I am going to be completely flat out with my coursework so I can get it finished, so that will be a good "I don't have time to eat" or "fine, but I'm having it in my room", so yeh hopefully my week will be a good one, I finish for the summer this thursday!! I'm kind of exciting because I get 3 months off, but them I'm like shit I have 4 days!!
I will get it done, iwilliwilliwill! Ah I hope.
It is 11.20am and I still haven't managed to crawl out of bed yet, I hate bank holidays, it's so sunny and lovely looking outside, the one day it doesn't rain in this crappy country is the day I can't enjoy it.
Uh, anyway I'll update you later.
Love and panic
Sunday, 30 May 2010
Maybe that would be a good idea, make stuff really horrendously then it will put my off.
Bit off a pointless post but I just wanted to share my crappy baking with you.
Today I went to church with my sister, which was strange, I haven't been to church in about 7 years, apart from a few funerals, I felt a bit strange sitting in a church, when I don't believe in god, but it wasn't like a proper service, it was more for the kids, like they told stories, and sang songs with silly action, which they seemed to enjoy. After we all went to a park for some lunch, they weather was good and I had quite a good afternoon. I ate half a ham and cheese samwich, two tiny traybakes,a few sweets and a few pringles, I didn't intend eating that much but people kept offering me stuff, and I couldn't help it.
It is nearly 5.30pm, and I've just had a small bowl of pasta, with a bit of cheese and thin ham.
Apart from a few cups of tea, that's me for the day.
I have noticed that I seem to function better, having one small meal a day, such as cerial, a slice or two of toast etc and then having liquids for the rest of the day.
It seems to stop me wanting to binge as much.
I hope everybody had a good weekend, and enjoy your day off tomorrow, (if you get of for the bank holiday.
Saturday, 29 May 2010
Ha wait I so just did it, woo hoo, you wouldn't believe how much of a technophobe (sp??) I am, so yey. I hope it works.
2. state the colour of your ipod.
3. pass on to 11 music loving bloggers.
Friday, 28 May 2010
I found this on a website detailing addictions (I think I'm addicted to caffine) and it really annoys me, every time they're is anything said or written about eating disorders, the first thing stated is always about "image", I know quite a lot of emphasis is put on self image with us, but if I was explaining it to anyone, image would be the very last thing I would say.
This was a really random post, sorry things like this just annoy me.
Hope everybodies doing alright, enjoy your weekend.
I caved again, my brother made me pasta, without telling me before hand, and I felt bad saying no, but other than that I've had 1 diet coke, and 1 hot chocolate.
Uh I'm getting nowhere with anything. I have to clean the whole house, including tidying my bedroom, doing the ironing, putting on washing, and hanging it out before tomorrow night, and I have 6 full assignments to do for tuesday! I'm pretty much fucked, I'm just not motivated to do anything at the minute, I have been trying to do this coursework for about3 hours and haven't really got anywhere with it.
I hope I wake up in a really productive mood tomorrow and am flat out until tomorrow night, I have to be or else I'm in the shitters.
I am having just liquids today and tomorrow, but I am going to the cinema tomorrow night with my sister and two friends, I might use the old "I ate loads before I came" but if I do have to eat something I will keep it limited. I am going away with the same people on sunday as well, it's like a church thing, they go away every now and then when the weathers nice for lunch, sort of like a picnic I suppose, I know a few people there but not very many as I'm not really a church person, but I like doing things with my sister.
I will not having anything before I go or when I get back.
It is 12oclock and I have already cleaned and tidy the whole kitchen, and I am going to dye my hair soon too, (Cosmic Purple!!)
I hope everybody is having a good Friday, I was supposed to be going out tonight, to induldge in horrendous amounts of alcohol. But I have declined and I am going to spend tonight and part of tomorrow and part of sunday and all of monday doing coursework, cleaning, Ironing, walking the dog and going on the Wii, are you proud of me?? This is going to be a productive weekend!
Thank you again for the lovely comments
Thursday, 27 May 2010
I am fasting again tomorrow and Saturday. My binge day is on Saturdays, so I am binging today, and fasting on Saturday.
I hope everybody is having a good day.
I'm sorry I failed, yet again.
I will keep you updated through the day to let you know how I'm getting on.
Thank you, I love you guys.
Wednesday, 26 May 2010
I'm really quite happy with how today went. 384 calories today in the form of juice, hot chocolate and tea.
I walked for an hour and was on the wii for about 25 minutes, 10 of which were spent jogging.
I feel quite good, I'm hungry but good hungry, nice hungry. I'm going to feed my dog, have a smoke and go to bed.
Hope everybodies day was good.
Happy Birthday Holly
I got a good bit of my room done today, I bleared my music and just got stuck in. I have to clean the house by saturday night so that will keep me going. It's strange I hate the thought of cleaning, but once I start I love it.
I thought I might cave a little while ago, so I brushed my teeth and put on some yummy raspberry lip butter, from Marks and Spencer. Its so good, it really works. Who wants to eat with a mouth that tastes like toothpaste? And I don't want to wreak my lips.
Hope everyones having a good day, I will update before I go to bed to let you know how the rest of my day went.
I love you all, thank you for the comments, they mean more to me than you will ever know.
I woke up this morning to find I had put on 2Ibs, I am now back up to 111Ibs / 7stone 9.
I am having juice and tea and water and cigarettes. It is 1.30pm now, and I've had 2 cups of tea (64 each) and some juice (1) 129 so far.
I am just back from walking my dog - 1Hr.
I have to clean my room today as well, I really want to get it sorted, finally, because it is driving me nuts, I'll take a few hours later and do it, I also have ironing and other exciting stuff to do as well, so hopefully that will keep me occupied. My mum has gone away until saturday night, and my brother is going away on Friday so I will have the house to myself. This is good as my brother never notices anything.
I hope you are all having a good day, I will post tonight to let you know how I got on, I don't want to come back and tell you I've failed, so I won't.
Tuesday, 25 May 2010
It's still only 7.30pm, Maybe a cup of tea later.
I feel like I'm on a bit of a downer at the minute but I don't know why, I went for my walk today, but 3 of my friends came too, if it had of been just kate (my best friend) I don't think I would have minded. Don't get me wrong I love the other two, they're both boys and the four of us are like brothers and sisters, but it didn't feel like MY walk. That probably sounds really horrible, but I like walking just me and my dog. Is that bad of me?
They talked about going out for a while later, but I'm not going to go, I'm not in the mood to be around people. I feel like a horrible person, but the only person I seem to be able to be around lately is kate. I don't know why.
I think I'll just stay in my room for a while, I need shower, and I should really tidy my room.
Oh yeh and I realised today that I have 8 full assignments to do, and have got to the 4th June to do them, I can hardly be bothered doing them either.
Sorry very ranty post again, I just feel a bit strange today.
Oh my mum is going away in the morning and my brother on friday so I have the house to myself from friday to saturday night. I have housework to do and stuff, and I will walk and go on the wii, to I think. This weight is really getting me down, more than usually, it's just that because I'm so short it looks so much worse.
Hope everyone's doing okay, sorry again for the crappy post.
Monday, 24 May 2010
On sunday me and a few friends went to an old quary near where we live and it was a really good day, the sun was out and we went swimming in the quary, and we all had fun, so yeh pretty good weekend all round...
Except food wise, it was my binge day on saturday, and I really think I excelled myself, seriously I still have a bit of a podge, it's not pretty.
But I'm back on track, I walked today and had a total intake of 921 calories. Uh what is it with these random fucking numbers, I hate them.
I am going to sleep now because I am so tired, I haven't been sleeping very well recently because it has been so hot, but hopefully tonight.
Thank you to my new followers as well, if I'm not following you, then I am catching up on your blog and will follow very soon.
Friday, 21 May 2010
I am not a horrible person, I did not get him out of his bed to do this, I swear, he is playing in a football match in England and he was already up.
And I just had the best smoke I think ever. Free from creepy things. It really is beautiful this time of the morning, the birds outside were singing to me.
I prbably could sleep now, but I own't I'll only feel wrected (spelling??) if I do. Only three hours left.
I will tell you, there is a big dirty stinking daddy longlegs in my room, now I cannot see this thing to try and kill it, I doubt Icould anyway, and I can't leave my room because my door makes the loudest noise ever and my mum is working in the morning so she would go through me for a shortcut. So what have I done?, i hear you ask...
Well I made a kind of fort, if you like with my duvet that nothing can get in, but which also means I am the most roasting I have ever been in my entire life, really I feel like my skin is melting. Oh well only another 3 hours to go. (I can't get up before my mum leaves or else she makes me do more around the house!)
I hope everybodies night's are going better than mine
I also got some oreo's, because I haven't had them in forever and I love, you Americans delight me with your wonderful, cookies/buscuit/yummy things. I always need something biscuit like so I am going to work them into my allowance for the day. And I got a can of pepsi (at 1 cal), some vimto (at 10 cal) beacuse it is simply devine and some lilt (at 65 cal) because I can't remember when I last had it. I was going to get more but I had no money and I didn't like to ask my mum.
When I was looking for buscuits they was a girl beside me, and it must of been about 10 minutes before I realised we were both doing the exact same thing - Picking up every single box, looking at the cals, then putting it down and picking back up, then once we thought we had a good choice, we looked again just to make sure. We both picked oreo's. Strange.
Anyway today has been a roaster here, seriously I feel like I'm melting, so I'm going to have to wait until tonight to go for my walk, because it would be fair on my dog to go now because she is black and she'd die from the heat.
Oh I'm getting a kitten!! Woohoo, my friend's cat had them yesterday, I really want one so I am going to tell my mum that me and my friend nearly hit it in her car and that we had to take it home, that way she has to let me keep it. It's not that she doesn't like animals I think she's just scared of them. I'm going to help her get over her fear.
Okay I will let you know how the rest of my day goes today.
I don't want to let yesterday get me down, today is a new day, there is nothing I can do to change yesterday.
I have tons to do today, I have to walk my dog, clean my room, do the washing, do some ironing, do coursework, clean the kitchen, hoover, and I'm sure there's lots of other fun stuff in there too that I have forgotten about.
I also wrote a list of the food I could eat today, within my 1000 calorie allowence. Then I put the foods into meals, and I have 5 meals, I am going to see how this goes today and then maybe continue with it, because I really think it will be a lot easier, and a lot less stressful, knowing what I am allowed to eat instead of opening a closing the fridge and cupboards about 20 times.
Thanks for the comments on last nights post, I really mean that.
Today will be better.
I will post tonight and let you know how I've done.
Thursday, 20 May 2010
Wednesday, 19 May 2010
Why oh why am I always above? I think I have been getting a bit disheartened by my 3 days of being over 1000, because this evening I did something I haven't done in a very long time:
I purged. I don't know why but in a way I sorted of wanted to, because I was annoyed at myself, it took about 6 attempts and even at that I only got up a very small amount. It's strange I never disliked purging, I used to do it about 3 times a month around 3 years ago, but I would plan it, I would eat mashed potato, or rice, or something that was easy to get up, because I wanted to be sick. I still to this day have no reason why.
I was very tempted not to go for my walk today, but I did, then went to sleep for a few hours when I got back, which I think is the only reason my intake wasn't a lot higher.
My friend made me lunch, Chicken dippers and chips. Uh. I ate it and thought well at least it might fill me for a while, but I was hungry for the rest of the day. Usually I eat nothing until about 3 or 4 and I'm fine the rest of the day, I think I should continue with this.
Violet: Yes you really would make a good gangsta :) I'm glad I have pleased you with my slight fear of Snape.
Erin: If you are reading this, I just wanted to say that I have tried to comment on your two previous posts but they is no link to get to you comments, I don't know whether it is the fault of blogspot, your computer or mine, but I just wanted to let you know I'm still reading and will comment again as soon as I can.
Anyways I must sleep because I am knackered. Good night everyone
Tuesday, 18 May 2010
Intake today was:
I really hate crappy numbers like that.
Oh I made dinner today, it was great, I made pasta with brocolli, carrots and sausages with cheese on the top, but the best part, Rachel didn't eat one single bite. I just told my mum my friend bought me lunch in college and I had something when I came home, which was true, for once.
I love making people food, especially things like that, all stodgy and cheesy. Am O bad?? I hate making my mum food though. I cut the brocolli and she was standing over me going "what are you cutting it like that for" and "oh I would have done it that way" and then when I was washing up after she was coming up behind me doing bits I'd "missed"
Anyway today was still a good day. I'm feeling quite a bit brighter since yesterday, It's good I like it, I hope it stays around.
Oh oh and efore I forget, I ran a little teny bit today when I was on my walk, I ran for a little bit of it with my dog. It really was a small amount, it probably totalled up to about 4 minutes, but it was running all the same :)
Thank you again for the comments, they really help. Knowing you are reading motivates me more because I don't want to post that I've failed. I've done to much of that lately.
Monday, 17 May 2010
I have decided I want to run, it will take me a while to get there but I'm going to keep walking, then add a little bit of jogging, then all jogging with a little bit a running, then just all running. I would love it because where I walk is around all the country roads, circling where I live, there are only a few houses and it is beauitful, fields and hills and its just really pretty, and the only people I usually see are, walkers, joggers, runners or fellow dog walkers.
So tomorrow, will be just as good as today if not better. I'm sorry I don't have much more to say except thank you for all the comments on my previous post, I read them this morning before I went to college, so I think that is where most of my good mood came from today. You really don't know how much it means to me that you read and comment. I appreiciate it more than I can say.
Sunday, 16 May 2010
Ok intake for today:
- Bio yogurt - 160
- Handful of dried banana - 131
- 2 pancakes 244
- Tea - 64
- Jaffa Cakes - 210
- Spagetti on toast - 218
- Juice - 20
1047, Not actually as bad as I thought it was going to be. Well I'm going to round it of to 1000, I don't like random numbers. So my plan for this week is:
- 1000 calories a day
- 1 hour of walking
- 100 crunches
- Get caught up with work for college
- Spend half an hour every day tiding bedroom
Ok I can do that, my bedroom, seriously I could have a whole family living in here and I wouldn't even know about it.
I'm doing 1000 because although it is high if I go from what I am eating now to like 600cals I will just turn into a binge machine.
Nothing more really to say, I really need to sleep now.
Oh but before I go, welcome back Holly (BlAnCh) I really missed you, Ilove you
I love all of you, thank you for commenting, they truly make my day.
Lot of love and hugs and stuff X
Saturday, 15 May 2010
I am desperate to get down to 99Ibs, really my first sort of goal, if you like was to get below 110 and I've done it, it's taken way way way longer than it should have but it's done. Now I want to leave triple figures, quite quick, because summer is a coming.
I have found myself with a strange new habit, it may well sound strange, but I have taken to scratching myself (ok it took me about 5 times to try and spell that right, not good) in the small place over and over again, anywere, on the tops of my arms, my stomach, hands, there aren't huge and after a few days I get to pick at it and leave myself with pretty pink scars, which are quite easy to pass off as "the dog did it" or "that's been there for years". It's very relaxing in a way, it doesn't hurt until I stop, and even then it's like a bit of a burning sensation, but it's quite enjoyable really and then it's gone.
My posts are becoming very scattered without me noticing, I do this in everyday life, talk about one thing then in the middle talk about something completely all together. I really need to sleep now, I am aware that I am talking shit, so good night everyone. I love you.
Love and hugs and stuff
Friday, 14 May 2010
I weighed myself yesterday and I'm the same as I was last week - 109Ibs. Not good but I'm fine with it, I'm just so glad I haven't gained. I've been eating "normally" for the past few weeks, and I'm not liking it. You see I'm sure that where ever you live it is normal to eat 3 meals a day, not where I live. I live in Northern Ireland, and the normal amount of meals to eat a day is 5. Yes you read right - 5. Let me explain:
- Lunch - at about 12 or 1
- Tea - when we all get home, between 3 or 4, a quick samwich, salad, something light
- Dinner - at about 6 or 7, the normal dinner stuff
- Supper - around 9 or so - this is probably the worst, usually consisting of cups of tea, buns, bit of cake, scones with jam and cream - you get the idea
This is traditionally what we eat in this country. For such a small country we eat quite a lot. And of course, with the food we eat this is not so good - Potatoes, potatoes, some more potatoes, potato bread, soda farels etc etc.
Of course not all famillies still eat like this, but my dads from a farming backround so we were brought up with this way of eating, so this is why I get so hungry during the day and eat at night, because I have been brough up with this being normal.
I know this isn't an excuse but I don't know what else to say. I don't eat breakfast during the week because I would rather the extra time in bed, I don't have lunch in college which has turned out quite easy to do as my friend and I are both skint so that's all good. But I still have tea when I get home, it's usually a ham samwich with no butter and a cup of tea or some soup, something like that. I rarely have dinner, usually a cup of tea with some toast or something quick. But supper is the thing that gets me, because no matter where we all are, even if we are all out some where and all come back drunk at 3 in the morning it's straight to the kitchen for a cup of tea and a scone. It fucked up, but that's the way it is.
I'm thinking that I'm going to change the way I do things, because when I say, "right I'm only allowed 600 cals today" even when I eat only 500 it always seems too much, because it was only 100 less than I'm allowed if you know what I mean, so I'm not going to give myself an allowence just lower the amount of what I eat. I don't know if I'm explaining this right or not, but say when I come home I make a samwich, I eat half of it, then at supper, I eat only one bun, scone etc and only drink one cup of tea.
I don't know if I'm explaining this right, but I think this will work better for my instead of lowering my calories, I just leave a little extra each time.
Sorry this was very ranty, I apologise.
I'll do a better post over the weekend. I hope everyone is doing okay. And I really do mean what I said about promising to comment more. I love you guys
Monday, 10 May 2010
I wish I could melt away,
I am with people most of the time
But I feel so alone.
I love my best friend so much,
I am closer to her than anybody else I know
But she wouldn't understand.
Even if she wanted to.
Sometimes I wish I could have someone,
To talk to, to understand.
But other times, I'm glad no-one does.
I don't deserve anybodies time,
I love being alone
I hate being lonely
I love that no-one knows
I hate that no-one understands
I love how I can keep secrets
I hate the liar I have become
All I'm really sure about is that I love each and every one of you.
Saturday, 8 May 2010
I wish it was summer time already, I know it sounds like an excuse but I think I would cope a lot better when I'm done with college for a few months. No word of a lie I think I have at least 9 full assignments to complete before the 4th of June. I'm so so so fucking thankful I have no exams. I get near enough 3 months for summer this year so at least I will have all of june to lose as much as possible before the real summer starts. It really stresses me out because I can't do any of these assignments at home because my mum's computer doesn't have microsoft on it and mine has a virus so I can't put my memory pen in it. And to top it all of there is a libary where I live but I got ban from it when I was 9 and they still won't lift it.
Seriously I went there a few months ago and they asked my name and said it was a ban for life, I laughed, like properly laughed aloud, I thought she was taking the piss, but Oh no she was deadly serious. So yeh I'm pretty much fucked but I do get quite a bit done in college so wish me luck.
Another scattered post it's a bit like my head today, my mood today is alright actually, the sun is shining so that might have something to do with it. Hope your all having a good weekend.
Friday, 7 May 2010
While I was talking to her today I started to worry though. She is so talented and smart but also extremely shy and modest, her mum and dad are really good parents but sometimes they don't give her the praise I think she diserves, but I think they do this because they want to keep her grounded like they don't want her getting full of herself or anything like that, if you know what I mean. But I would be scared for her incase as she grows up she could develop an eating disorder.
I mean she is smart, talanted, lacks self belief, is very shy and modest, she is very perfectionistic, she likes to please people but doesn't like being in the limelight, she was bullied so bad in her last school that she had to leave, and now her life is being completly changed as she is starting high school in september and is moving to a different country in the summer. And on top of all that she is a dancer, she does ballet and she does it very well, dancing by itself can raise all sorts of disordered problems.
Do you think I am reading too much into this? I would just worry for her because she is such as lovely girl. She lives across the road from me and I really wish they were staying because then I could watch and see if she started any of the behaviours I see in myself but as she is moving I can't really do that.
Is it me reading too much into nothing or what do you think, I don't know why I started thinking this today but something just sort of went of in my head while I was with her and it hasn't gone away.
Sorry I just wanted to post this to see if anyone could give any advice on what they think, please if you think I'm thinking too indepth about this don't be afraid to say, really.
Hope your all doing okay, enjoy your weekends,
I don't think my intake has been too bad over the past week or two, but I have been doing something that I haven't done in about 3 years - I'm not counting calories, and I have to say I'm really not liking it. I've been quite busy and that is why because I'm just grabbing things on the go. But I will start again. I like knowing it makes me feel a wee bit better.
Sorry another post about nothing - I don't really have very much to talk about.
I haven't weighed myself yet - Hopefully tomorrow. I will let you know.
Wednesday, 5 May 2010
People have been commenting about my weight saying that they think I have lost weight. I was saying to my friends mum about how my feet seem to be getting smaller - I have gone down two shoe sizes in the last 3 months or so. And my jeans nearly all of them I can pull them out at the front loads - I had to pinch my friends belt when I was out on Monday night because they were nearly falling down.
I should probably be happy about this but there is just something that isn't right - the scale isn't backing any of this up. The last time I weighed myself was 19 April and I was 7 Stone 8 or 110Ibs I think. But I haven't weighed since because I've been too scared. I'm amazed that I am not happy about loose jeans and people saying nice things, but I don't see how it can be right because I haven't binged like a starved ape or anything like that, but my intake hasn't been wonderful and I'm not doing very much exercise either so I really don't know.
Fuck what is wrong with me, I almost sound annoyed, I really not, just confused. Has anyone else had this without an explanation?? Help unconfuse me please, it would be very much apprieciated.
I hope all you lovely girlies are doing alright. If you have any funny anecdotes about your day please leave me a comment and tell me. Make me smile :)
I love you
Saturday, 1 May 2010
But oh it gets better - we went back to K's house and she decide we wanted burgers. Yeh. I have been friends with this girl since we were 11 so she kinda knows I'm not a big fan of food - She doesn't know anything about ED she just knows I'm kind of a picker eater and there's no point arguing with her, I'd never win. But the burgers, we were talking away in her living room then we saw all this smoke coming in from the kitchen we run in and there is smoke everywere like proper black smoke. It was bad we didn't know what to do - we were like do we take it out or what do we do. I open the oven and the flames were huge like proper big flames like we had to take the tray outside to try and put it out. It was scary but we laughed because if me and K are scared but with each other we laugh - It's a nervous thing. Then we had to tell her mum that we set her kitchen on fire - It was okay we didn't damage anything there was just a lot of smoke - Oh and the burgers yeh they were beautifully cremated - So I got out of that one well. We had to lift her boyfriend so didn't have time for anything else.
So yeh I had a fun day yesterday. Anybody doing anything exciting over the bank holiday? Happy May!! This month will be good - I'm going to make sure of it.