Thursday, 3 October 2013

please come with me

So there it is, finally. My new blog. I hope it will be half as good as this one has been. I really love this blog, and everyone I 'met' here. You have all been so wonderful to me. I will miss this place. But I will leave this blog here, because I cant bring myself to delete it. Please come with me, if anyone still comes here, if anyone sees this, please come.

I feel a bit sad writing this, as stupid as it sounds, but ive been through a lot here and ive met some incredible people. People who have given me so much support and encouragement, I can never thank you all enough. Thank you to every one of you who ever stumbled upon my blog and took the time to leave words of kindness, you touched my heart.

I love you, weather you still blog or weather you dont. Weather you left to get help and are looking towards a bright, happy ED-free future, or weather you could fight no more and gained your wings, I am eternally grateful.

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. ... - Winnie The Pooh - ....

Tuesday, 1 October 2013

Still fucking myself up...

So yeh the new blog didnt happen. I dont know why. I like this one. I dont know if I will come back or not, but I just needed to "talk", I doubt anyone will even see this, but I just needed to get it out.

I weighed 102.7ibs this morning, I would be happy wih 10ibs less of that, well I say "happy" but you know what I mean. I am eating because I have the ability to eat. Thats it, that is the only reason I can come up with. Im not hungry, I dont want it, it gives me no comfort, I just eat because I can. And I hate myself for it.

Im still self harming, and I am very seriously contemplating starting to purge again. Its the only way I can see at the minute to override the amount of food I am eating.

I wake up everyday and promise myself it will be better, I wont fill my body will crap, fat, unneeded and unnecessary calories, but the day always ends the same. I am living on caffeine,  sugar and my body weight in bread.

I had 8 big slices of toast today, 4 with a ton of nutella, 4 with a ton of butter and sugar, along with cups and cups of sugary tea, I was sitting thinking about how easy it would be to get it all up again, but my mum was sitting right across from me. My house is so small, no matter what room you are in you can hear people pee, so purging secretly is something that is just not possible.

My stomach is so big and hard, so much bread, I do look like I have a slight baby bump.

To be honest the weight I have gained back doesnt look as obvious as it did before, like people still say im thin. Sometimes I can even see it but it doesnt last long. I feel like a fucking whale.

Im having a bit of a dark, depressing night where everything seems like it couldnt get any worse, although I am well aware that it could and most likely will.

I want to stay in bed and not have to go to work or think about food, or worry about money, or the future im never going to have, or numbers of any sort. I hate numbers so much. I want to pretend theres nothing to worry about, nothing I have to do. I want to sleep until im thin, I want to sleep and starve until things feel safe again.

I disappear for months, then come back with no explanation and a massive ramble, im sorry. If you got to the end of this, then thank you.

Tuesday, 16 July 2013

thanks :)

Im still amazed that anyone still comes here, never mind taking the time to write, but thanks it means a lot. Ive been draggimg my ass a bit with this. The new blog isnt quite done, in fact its barely started, but ill get there and then ill come back here and tell you where to find me.
Hope you all doing better.

Wednesday, 29 May 2013


I think im moving.

Blogs I mean.

New blog, new account.

I always wanted to keep this one, with every post intact from beginning to end. Wherever the end might be. But ive been gone from here too long. People have dissapeared and Ive read that one of the girls i follow here has died. This saddens me greatly, and I feel awful for all who she left behind.
Her friend posted on her blog to tell us and urged us to stop. I know that should be enough but for my warped mind, unfortunately its not.

I loved this community, so much. I hate the reason we were all here but I loved it nonetheless. There was no jealousy,  no harmful words (apart from the odd anon incedent) just kind words and understanding. I cant thank you all enough for that, I love each and every one of you.

But I think I need to move on somewhere else.

I will post a link if there are any of you that want to come with me.

I hate knowing that someone I followed and read and who inspired me with her words is no longer among us. I hope the rest of you who havent blogged in a while are gone because you found a way out.

Tuesday, 28 May 2013

Catching up

Im in the middle of trying to catch up on everyones blogs. Although its not taking as long as I thought as most of you seem to be missing in action.

Im stuck in a rut, I had gotten down to 94.4, but right now im 103. I need to get back down. Im eating badly, im not binging, just eating a bit too much of the wrong stuff. I havent cut in months although the urge is still there, ive purged twice in the last 3 days, after not having done so in months, it happened all too easy.

Im not in a great place at the minute but ive been in worse.
Im going to start blogging regularly again, cause ive really missed you and this place.

Thursday, 23 May 2013


I dont know if you remember her or not but Cassie was the puppy I got when I was 17. In August 2012 she had a seizure,  I took her to the vets and they did loads of tests to try and figure out what could have caused it. They found nothing, they said it was most likely just a one off thing. She was fine and I thought nothing else of it until January when she had about 6 fits in 45 minutes. I took her back to the vets and they did more tests. Still nothing. They said that it was probably epilepsy. They cant do a test for epilepsy in dogs so they only dignose it when everything else has been ruled out. They gave me tablets for her and said they would make the seizures less frequent, but they didn't,  they were getting worse and happening more often. The vets upped the tablets but that still didnt work. They were getting worse and I couldnt do anything about it. I just sat with Cassie between my legs to stop her hurting herself and waited with her until they were over. It is a horrible thing to see someone you love so much suffering and not being able to help them.

On the 16th of March my brother rang me in work to tell me cassie was fitting again. I left work early as my brother had to leave for work. I got home and found her trembling and shaking, this was not what usually happened when she was fitting. I knew something wasnt right so I got my best friend to come and help me find an out of hours vet. We brought her to one and they told me to leave her there and they would ring me later so I could pick her up and figure out her tablets and find out why they werent working. I hate leaving her when shes sick but I knew id be able to bring her home so it was ok.
At about 12 that night they rung me and said they could  do nothing more for her. I was going to have to put her down.

My mum and my best friend came with me. I walked in and saw her lying still fitting. It broke my heart to see her , her eyes were blue and her tongue was red and so swollen it didnt even fit in her mouth, the amount of times she must have bitten down on it. The vet said the amount of brain damage that had been done was irreversible, my little cassie was gone, all that was left was this fitting body. I couldnt believe that at two and a half I had to tell them it was ok to let her sleep forever.
Although I knew there was nothing else I could do I still felt and still do feel an enormous amount of guilt. I stayed with her the whole time, holding her little warm paw. I have never felt pain like I felt watching him inject my little girl.
I knew she was gone, she ws no longer fitting or breathing but it broke my heart leaving her for the last time.

Cassie was never just a dog to me, she really was my whole world.  She was everything. She was the only person I was ever enough for. I was her whole world and I was good enough for her. Her little eyes lit up everytime she looked at me and she needed me and only me. And now I feel purposeless. Cassie was all I needed and my life was her. She made me see that life was good if she was in it. She was so happy and loving and innocent and pure. She gave so much love with just a look.

I miss her so much. I miss how she would lick the end of my nose when I asked for kisses. I miss how she held her little ears, how she would hide on me, how she ate so slowly, how she took treats so gently. How she would stand infront of me when she felt threatened like she was trying to protect me even though she was so tiny. How when id lift her up she would wrap her paws around my neck. How she would curl up like a little hegdehog on my knee and fall asleep. I miss her smell. I miss her little paws. I miss her little personality and her beautiful face. I miss the feel of her fur.
I miss my little princess. And it hurts so much.

Wednesday, 22 May 2013

Where did you all go?

Looking through my dashboards at all the blogs I follow and all im seeing is "last blog post - 1 year ago, 9months ago, 6 months ago"
Ive missed you all so much and now most of you have gone.
I wish id never left