Still fucking myself up...

So yeh the new blog didnt happen. I dont know why. I like this one. I dont know if I will come back or not, but I just needed to "talk", I doubt anyone will even see this, but I just needed to get it out.

I weighed 102.7ibs this morning, I would be happy wih 10ibs less of that, well I say "happy" but you know what I mean. I am eating because I have the ability to eat. Thats it, that is the only reason I can come up with. Im not hungry, I dont want it, it gives me no comfort, I just eat because I can. And I hate myself for it.

Im still self harming, and I am very seriously contemplating starting to purge again. Its the only way I can see at the minute to override the amount of food I am eating.

I wake up everyday and promise myself it will be better, I wont fill my body will crap, fat, unneeded and unnecessary calories, but the day always ends the same. I am living on caffeine,  sugar and my body weight in bread.

I had 8 big slices of toast today, 4 with a ton of nutella, 4 with a ton of butter and sugar, along with cups and cups of sugary tea, I was sitting thinking about how easy it would be to get it all up again, but my mum was sitting right across from me. My house is so small, no matter what room you are in you can hear people pee, so purging secretly is something that is just not possible.

My stomach is so big and hard, so much bread, I do look like I have a slight baby bump.

To be honest the weight I have gained back doesnt look as obvious as it did before, like people still say im thin. Sometimes I can even see it but it doesnt last long. I feel like a fucking whale.

Im having a bit of a dark, depressing night where everything seems like it couldnt get any worse, although I am well aware that it could and most likely will.

I want to stay in bed and not have to go to work or think about food, or worry about money, or the future im never going to have, or numbers of any sort. I hate numbers so much. I want to pretend theres nothing to worry about, nothing I have to do. I want to sleep until im thin, I want to sleep and starve until things feel safe again.

I disappear for months, then come back with no explanation and a massive ramble, im sorry. If you got to the end of this, then thank you.
x