Monday, 27 June 2011

People can be very cruel...

This is Dawn French. (The brunette in-case you're not familiar) I don't know how well-known she is outside of the UK, but she is very well-known within it.

She is an extremely funny woman, an incredibly talented actress and writer, and she seems to be very down to earth, and well just nice.

This is how most people will recognise her, <<<< but very recently she has changed somewhat...

Dawn now looks like this....

She has lost 4 and a half stone.

Dawn French has been big for most of her life I think, she has always spoke of how she was happy with her weight and that it did not affect her self-confidence and that she always thought 'big is beautiful'.

She has also said that the reason she wanted to lose weight was because she was aware that she was getting older and that she needed to take better care of herself, she said she wanted to do a lot more things and she wanted to be healthier in order to do them.

She decided she wanted to be healthier and she made it happen.

I found some comments regarding this weight-loss, from the random public, and some of the things they have said about this wonderful woman are just horrible and completely un-called for, some of the comments read things such as,
'No offence but she should lose another ten stone on top of the five stone she's shed',
'I'll bet any money she's had a gastric band - so much for her protestations of 'happy being fat'.
Some of theses people have made really nasty comments about her job, her humour, and just about her in general.

I don't know how people can go on these sites and just write the most horrible things they can think of. Dawn didn't make a whole song and dance like most celebrities of saying, ''oh look how great I look, didn't I do well?'', she just did it because she wanted to, she did say that 'big is beautiful' and I'm sure she still believes that, but she knows that she needs to be healthy as well.

To me this seems to be something she has done quietly for herself, but you can't lose 4 and a half stone when your in the public eye and not have it noticed, so off course pictures were going to be taken and articles printed, but I can't understand why people can't just look at her and think, 'she wanted to be healthy, so she did something about it'

I really hate nasty people.

Dawn French along with Jennifer Saunders let me forget sometimes, when I watch them I don't have to think about myself, or about calories or exercise or that little voice. I can turn my head and my thoughts off and I can laugh, like properly laugh. Due to the life I am living at the minute, I can get quite down as I'm sure a lot of you can identify with, and having something that can let you forget for a while and stop you thinking about everything is completely priceless.

Dawn inspires me, she has wonderful talents and she shares them beautifully with people, she is very beautiful and she just gets on with things, she has done this for herself and I hope that she doesn't have to read or hear any of the horrible comments that have been said about her.

This may seem like a strange kind of a post from me but I hate people who are nasty just for the sake of being nasty. I wish I could be more like her and be happy with myself.

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Go type this girl into youtube, she is, in my opinion just amazing. She has such an amazing voice and sound and to be honest, one of the only things/people keeping me sane right now. She allows me to just be, not think, just be and she makes my head quiet for a little while and I thank her for that.
Her name is Ella Edmondson.

Saturday, 18 June 2011

I despise what I have become...

I hate this person I have become, she isn't a nice person at all.

In the past few months I have become more of the person I really am, I have let my true self to be seen more than I ever have before, but it still isn't enough. I am not myself, without sounding cliched I don't think I know the real me, no-one does.

My teenage life has been stolen from me, fortunately I will be able to look back on part of it with happy memories because of my best friend, she is the one and only person I am completely comfortable with, she has given me memories and 'happy times' that will stay with me forever, she has made it possible for me to look back at my teenage years and not see them as a waste, and for that I can never repay her, I am more thankful for her than I could ever begin to say.

We both gained a bit of weight over the past two months or so because of college and coursework and not sleeping and eating fattening foods at strange times in the night and early morning along with drinking our body weights in red bull etc, so she suggested that we tried to lose it, we have been walking every day with our dogs, as well as doing other exercise, she wants to do this because she wants to be healthy and lose a small amount of weight, I am doing this because I want to disappear.

She lost 2Ibs within the first week or so, I gained 2Ibs, I was jealous of her - This is not what I want, I want to be happy for her, I will not feel these feelings about her because it's not right.

I have decided that I need to be free of this, I am sick of it stealing my life, I am not the person I should be, I have lost my childhood, I have lost all self-image, self-confidence, I don't have very much emotion left in me anymore, I am becoming a shell of a person.

I am worth more than this - I want to start my life, I want to start my life by myself, without this other person inside of me.

Six years of binging, purging, self-harm, starving, restricting and exercising has taken it's toll on me. If I let this continue to own my body, there won't be any of me left.
As stupid as this probably sounds, I want to get ill, I want to be sick, I want to be so thin that I can barely hold myself up.
I want this because I want to get better, I need to be in such a horrible, desperate state so that I am able to be diagnosed as eating disordered, because only then will I get the help I need. No-one in a million years would ever diagnose me the way I am now - because I am 'normal'.

I know a lot of you may see this as a foolish thing to want, but I know that what I am doing and what I have been doing for all these years is not normal behaviour, normal people do not do this. I am not normal, I have an eating disorder.

I am not some 'wannarexic'. I DO NOT want this, I already have this. I just need to show everyone else that I have it because I wouldn't believe me the way I look now.
No-one can see inside my head, but everyone can see the outside of me.

I just want to be free, I just want the chance to have a life.
I am starting to believe that I might be worth more than this.

Damaging myself beyond repair is not going to make the people that caused me to become this way to bat an eyelid. They will not care about how much pain I have inflicted upon myself, how I suffered, how many years I have lost. It will not make a difference to them.
But if I can show them that I am not 'someone who will amount to nothing', that I am not 'a complete waste of time', that I am not 'a stupid little girl', that I am not 'worthless', then that might just be a kick in their bollocks if I can make something of myself.

I would love to be able to just stop, but that is not possible, if I were to try and start a normal life from here, it would never work - My mind is too far gone - I would never be able to have the life I want.

I know that I will probably have this for the rest of my life, but if I control it, if I can look in the mirror without having the overwhelming urge to headbutt the person starring back at me, if I can walk down the street with my head held high, then I can live with that.

I want to lose weight very quickly so I can finally get the help I need.
I am sick of wasting myself.

Thursday, 16 June 2011

This explains it better than I ever could...

(This puts perfectly into words the relationship I feel I have with myself and this thing in my head)

I put on my smile but no, no, no. 
I put on my smile but no, no, no. 
May as well be dead, may as well be gone  

You'd pretend like I am the one, 
You'd pretend like I am the one 
I make you feel ugly, make you feel ugly 
I make you feel ugly make you feel like me  

I've seen the way she's looking at you, I've never encountered this 
This jealousy that's taken over, I should have harnessed it 
I've lost control, I'm hungry for you, it's led me down this path 
That only leads me to disaster  

And I get a sick feeling from below, 
oh I get a sick feeling from below 
Emerald eyes aflame, emerald eyes aflame  

Want to ask - but do I want to know? 
Want to ask - but do I want to know? 
Is she better than me, is she better than me? 
Is she better than me, is she amazing?  

I've seen the way she's looking at you, I've never encountered this 
This jealousy that's taken over, I should have harnessed it 
I've lost control, I'm hungry for you, it's led me down this path 
That only leads me to disaster  

Have you seen the way I'm looking at you, I've never encountered this 
This type of pain that's taken over, I've lost control of it 
I'm still in love, I'm hungry for you, and it's not letting go 
Just tell me things get better from here

Have you seen the way I'm looking at you, I've never encountered this
This jealousy that's taken over, I should have, I should have harnessed it
I'm still in love and I'm hungry for you, but it's not letting go
Just tell me things get better from here

Just tell me things get better from here

Just tell me things get better from here

(Ella Edmondson - Hunger)

Monday, 13 June 2011

Don't talk to me about injured pride you fat queen!

Sorry haven't been around much I just haven't really had all that much to write about, I will get back to regular blogging soon, I promise.
Sorry I've been awful for getting back to comments as well, I really appreciate every single one of them but I just haven't had the chance to reply.

This is just me letting you all know that I passed my college course today! I am no longer a student!

And good news - no more freaking out blogs about boring coursework lol.

Thank you so much to all of you that told me to keep going and encouraged me to keep going, it all paid off! I'm so glad to be done.

I'll blog again soon, I promise
I hope your all doing ok.

(Oh the titles of this post of most probably the titles for the foreseeable future will be quotes from 'Let them eat cake' cause I'm watching it now for about the 3rd time in a month and it's fucking hilarious!)

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

In this body theres a thin person dying to get out...

Oh, just the one dear?...

(Ab fab quote)

Just quick wee update. Sorry I've been extremely neglectful to all you wonderful people lately. Sorry, thanks for still listening to me rattle on though.

I didn't eat for 2 and a half days, then I fucked it up today - But it's ok, tomorrow I will begin again.

I love how I did that and my mum didn't notice... It's wonderful, and it made me smile to myself when she called me a horse for 'eating' 3 biscuits.

It gave me one of those fuzzy feelings inside...

Thursday, 2 June 2011

Flying is simple... just throw yourself at the ground and miss...

I promise this post won't be long... Promise, promise, promise.

I tried to 'start again' - Fuck I hate that phase. But that's kind of what I did, I tried again, I counted what I ate and what I burnt. I set myself calories I wasn't allowed to eat over.

Guess what? I fucked up.

I'm really sick of myself - So for another time I will 'start again'

Does it ever end?

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

Thank you 'Lovely Me', I wasn't expecting anyone to read that, I really wasn't I was just in one of those moods where I just wanted to talk/write/type whatever.
I didn't actually realise it was that long - so well done to you for reading it and thank you for taking the time to read and comment.

A wee novel for ya there is what that previous post was. Hmm.

Anyway thanks. A lot.

I just in one of those wee ruts where I feel so much but at the same time nothing at all.

Oh confusious.

Anyway - yeh thanks for putting up with me during these not so brillient times.

I'm just feeling not so positive about life in general right now.
The time in my life I was dreading has finally arrived. It's very nearly time for me to leave college, and get a job.

Unlike most other people, I will never be able to say that my school years were the best years of my life, unfortunately this was taken away from me. Although these years have been for a big part just horrible and have played a massive part in the situation I find myself in now, it is all I have ever known - What will I do for the next part of my life?

My mum told me today that I could be anything I wanted to be. I remember being told this as a young child, then it was true, I could have been anything I wanted to be, but this is no longer true. I didn't get the grades and that's all there is to it, and in reality if you don't have the grades it is unlikely that you will be able to have a job doing something you really enjoy.

I never ever wanted to be like my mum. My mum is wonderful but she has spent her whole life 'making do', 'making ends meet', she deserves so much better, she should of had to just make do, she is so much better than that. She worked all the hours that she could so me and my brother and sister didn't have to do without - She works so hard and she doesn't get as much out of it as she should.

I don't want to spend my whole life working in a dead end job and having nothing to show for it - I don't want to have to struggle with paying for things.

I know theres nothing I can really do about it - It's just thinking about a life like that it just kind of makes me think 'what's the point?'

I am aiming for a job in a shop like clothes shops, shoe shops etc. I don't see anything wrong with this kind of job at all, I just don't think it will be very rewarding. I want to do something wonderful, I want to wake up everyday and get excited about working. Why shouldn't I be able to do that?

I know that this is something most people feel about jobs etc, and I know theres nothing I can do about it - It's just very frustrating to know that I already kind of know my future - And I'm not looking forward to it at all.

This was supposed to be me apologising for my last huge post, but it's turned into another one. Sorry about that.