Saturday, 18 June 2011

I despise what I have become...

I hate this person I have become, she isn't a nice person at all.

In the past few months I have become more of the person I really am, I have let my true self to be seen more than I ever have before, but it still isn't enough. I am not myself, without sounding cliched I don't think I know the real me, no-one does.

My teenage life has been stolen from me, fortunately I will be able to look back on part of it with happy memories because of my best friend, she is the one and only person I am completely comfortable with, she has given me memories and 'happy times' that will stay with me forever, she has made it possible for me to look back at my teenage years and not see them as a waste, and for that I can never repay her, I am more thankful for her than I could ever begin to say.

We both gained a bit of weight over the past two months or so because of college and coursework and not sleeping and eating fattening foods at strange times in the night and early morning along with drinking our body weights in red bull etc, so she suggested that we tried to lose it, we have been walking every day with our dogs, as well as doing other exercise, she wants to do this because she wants to be healthy and lose a small amount of weight, I am doing this because I want to disappear.

She lost 2Ibs within the first week or so, I gained 2Ibs, I was jealous of her - This is not what I want, I want to be happy for her, I will not feel these feelings about her because it's not right.

I have decided that I need to be free of this, I am sick of it stealing my life, I am not the person I should be, I have lost my childhood, I have lost all self-image, self-confidence, I don't have very much emotion left in me anymore, I am becoming a shell of a person.

I am worth more than this - I want to start my life, I want to start my life by myself, without this other person inside of me.

Six years of binging, purging, self-harm, starving, restricting and exercising has taken it's toll on me. If I let this continue to own my body, there won't be any of me left.
As stupid as this probably sounds, I want to get ill, I want to be sick, I want to be so thin that I can barely hold myself up.
I want this because I want to get better, I need to be in such a horrible, desperate state so that I am able to be diagnosed as eating disordered, because only then will I get the help I need. No-one in a million years would ever diagnose me the way I am now - because I am 'normal'.

I know a lot of you may see this as a foolish thing to want, but I know that what I am doing and what I have been doing for all these years is not normal behaviour, normal people do not do this. I am not normal, I have an eating disorder.

I am not some 'wannarexic'. I DO NOT want this, I already have this. I just need to show everyone else that I have it because I wouldn't believe me the way I look now.
No-one can see inside my head, but everyone can see the outside of me.

I just want to be free, I just want the chance to have a life.
I am starting to believe that I might be worth more than this.

Damaging myself beyond repair is not going to make the people that caused me to become this way to bat an eyelid. They will not care about how much pain I have inflicted upon myself, how I suffered, how many years I have lost. It will not make a difference to them.
But if I can show them that I am not 'someone who will amount to nothing', that I am not 'a complete waste of time', that I am not 'a stupid little girl', that I am not 'worthless', then that might just be a kick in their bollocks if I can make something of myself.

I would love to be able to just stop, but that is not possible, if I were to try and start a normal life from here, it would never work - My mind is too far gone - I would never be able to have the life I want.

I know that I will probably have this for the rest of my life, but if I control it, if I can look in the mirror without having the overwhelming urge to headbutt the person starring back at me, if I can walk down the street with my head held high, then I can live with that.

I want to lose weight very quickly so I can finally get the help I need.
I am sick of wasting myself.

1 comment:

  1. I get it. I completely get it. The being 'normal', the needing thinness. I've always said there was something wrong with me, never really giving it a proper name, just having disordered eating, and I get what you're saying. I feel ill, but I don't look it. I want to look the way I somehow that'll make it better.
    I missed you x