Wednesday, 27 April 2011

So thinking how well I was doing...

Yip you guessed it - Rachel fucked up - again.

Yip 1000 calories in about 10mins - juice and a sandwich and coconut fingers and a microwaved meal.

Christ Rachel!!

I was feeling rather proud of myself - like I woke up today in such good spirits compared to the past few days, I didn't want food today. I didn't eat because I craving, I ate because I was scared, I was scared I was going to get caught out.

I had let my mum see my bringing a sandwich to my room earlier - I then broke it up, put it in a bag and gave to my dogs a while after. But then I starting thinking - hm what if she says anything? What if she notices - so I have a coconut finger... and then I'm gone.

She comes in a only notices that I've eaten 2 coconut fingers and calls me a fat horse. Yip - what the fuck was I worrying about??

Tomorrow I begin again - I was enjoying it, I really was - today was going so well. Well at least today has shown me that my mother isn't as observant as I think.

And anyway even if she did notice all I would have to say is that I didn't have an appetite, she doesn't know anything - she has never noticed any of my, 'behaviors'. She doesn't find it at all odd that I have my own little cupboard with my own food and my own mugs.
(I hate people eating my food and I hate people using my mugs)

She doesn't find any of thee little things I do odd.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining - I'm very, very grateful. I just need to use it to my advantage now.

No food for me tomorrow!
I think I will stay in my room tomorrow, apart from to walk the dogs and get a cup of tea and such. But apart from that I stay to myself, then there is nothing for her to notice.

I'm not letting this get me down though because I have been in good spirits and think in order for tomorrow to be successful, I need to stay in good spirits.

So trying very, very hard to tell myself that it's ok - I will fix it tomorrow.

Hope your all doing ok, this is gonna sound really cheesy but thanks for the support. Oh christ I hate saying things like that lol - pure cheese.

It's gonna take a superman to sweep me of my feet...

I need a hero - Sung by Jennifer Saunders ^^

I love this song, and Jennifer Saunders sings it incredibly.

I'm not waiting for my hero, my superman.
Because I know he will never come.

I'm going to be my own fucking superman, my own hero.

I was inspired so much this morning, I came onto my dashboard and I saw a post entitled 'I'm back' it was from Alisha (We move by instinct darling) This really picked me up today, so thank you Alisha!

Another thing that picked me up this morning was your comments - You all have your own, bigger problems but you come here and give me your comforting words - I am going to be here, I am going to be better and I am going to try and give you the support you all give me, because you mean so much to me.

I didn't eat yesterday, but I had 2 cups of coffee, 3 cups of tea and a mouthful of juice - 205 calories. I burnt 198 - So I was left with a net of 7, yes 7 what a fucking awkward number.

I know it wasn't really a fast, but it didn't need to be, I just needed a break from food. My mum is off work today so I really hope she goes out or something - Because I don't want food today.

Hunger is making me feel better.

Sorry lol, but I love it so much and I'm listening to it now lol

'I need a hero,
I'm holding out for a hero til the end of the night,
he's gotta be strong and he's gotta be fast and he's gotta he fresh from the fight,
I need a hero,
I'm holding out for a hero til the morning light,
he's gotta be sure and it's gotta be soon and he's gotta be larger than life'

Thank you girls, you have helped me so much, hopefully there will be more positivity from me now!!

Tuesday, 26 April 2011

I'm sorry for all my ranting lately, I don't mean to be such a bore and it stills amazes me that you all take the time to read and comment. I like that about here, you all care. I don't write here in order to get comments or sympathy I really don't. I just like it here, it's like a haven, I can write what I want and I never get judged for it.

Even though I don't expect you to read or comment, I'm so very grateful that you do.
It makes me feel better knowing that you all understand. I hurts me as well though to know that there are others suffering the same as me.

I'm so very glad for this place and for all of you. I love having somewhere to come and just be. You all keep me going.

I'm sorry I'm not commenting at the minute, but the way I am now I have nothing to say really, I have no words of comfort and I don't want to say things just for the sake of it. When I write comments, I really mean what I write, but I don't feel anything right now so anything I would say to any of you in comments would feel like a lie.

I bore myself, with all my sad writing I really do and if I bore you, none of you ever let it be known. Thank you for that.

It's 4.50pm here and I am yet to eat, lets hope it stays that way.
80 calories of coffee, 5 calories of juice and 2 pro plus is what I have ingested today.

Monday, 25 April 2011

I am so fucking sick of this.

I'm sorry that I'm only come here to rant - I don't expect you to read any of it I really don't - It's just a rant, so yip theres your warning...

I'm sick of fucking up.
I'm sick of food.
I'm sick if eating.
I'm sick of feeling shit.
I'm sick of being such a failure.

I am so tired of doing this.
I just want to be thin.
I want that amazing feeling when you don't eat for 3 days.
I want that high, when your not sure if your real or not.
I want my skin to be bruised from my bones sticking through.
I want my heart to flutter and tease me that maybe it will just stop.
I want to fucking float.

It's disgusting that I want these things.
It's disgusting that I want to damage my body even more than I already have done.

It's disgusting to see my pale, grey, tired out and lifeless face, starring back at me from the monster that is the mirror.
It's disgusting that I'm writing this and not feeling anything at all.
It's disgusting that I'm writing this and still stuffing chocolate down my chubby little throat.

Sunday, 24 April 2011

You would think I'd be getting used to this by now...

I'm getting... Well I don't know how to describe it. It's more than sad but I don't think it's quite depression either.

I'm sure a lot of you are the same. It's just another one of those bollocking cycles I go through.
I just can't be bothered...

You know, I wake up every day, feeling so miserable that I have to fight against my head and my appetite yet again, but I put my make-up on, I put on a smile and I smile and laugh at the right times, and everyone thinks that everything is fine and dandy with the world. I can cope with that - almost.

But now, to put it bluntly, I just cannot be arsed bothering. I don't care if I look as miserable as sin, or if I don't join in with conversation, or I look like death sitting in the corner. I just don't care. Which can be very dangerous. Because there is only so long I can pass this off as being tired.

It's weird, the only thing that lets me escape for a while from everything is absolutely fabulous outtakes. As strange as that may sound, but I get into it and it makes me laugh - like properly laugh out loud, which so little else does. So for now I'm going to stick with it. I will watch episodes and outtakes and any other things associated with ab fab and hope it continues to give me that slight feeling of being some what human.

This whole growing up gobshittery is starting to worry me because I just don't what to get into another shitty cycle. I don't want to get up and go to work, come home and go to bed. If my life is going to be like that I'm going to be so so bored. And I know that sounds like such an immature outlook - but I want to do more than just exist. I want to have a fun and exciting and meaningful life.

I don't want to do the normal boring things. It would drive me to absolute distraction.

I don't know what to do right now... I'm feeling very little.
Too look at me now I look drained, I look like theres nothing going on.
But my mind is fucking racing and I don't even know what about.
All I know is right now I'm very unhappy.

Friday, 22 April 2011

Ok I think...

Ok - today has been alright...

Like ok, intake has been all over the place for the past wee while, like I'll do fine during the day and go back to the old habit of binging like a bitch at night. I have been purging a bit too. But only a wee bit like, I purged on Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday.

Then today I think has gone quite well in comparison to the last little while.
Today I ate: 830 calories
Today I burnt: 135 calories
Total for today: 695 calories

Don't worry I haven't gone delusional, I know that ^^^ (well up and over a bit) is nothing to shout about like, but I'm ok with that for today. I'm just happy I didn't binge. And the exercise....
Uh well I haven't done any in a while apart from the odd walk with my little puppy. So my goal for the next few days, exercise wise is to walk her everyday.

I am aware this sounds crap, but for the next few days it will have to do. And at least it's better than nothing, even if only slightly.

Thank you too those who commented on my last post. I'm so glad that you love absolutely fabulous lol.

I have been watching outtakes most of the night, they're great lol.
Jennifer Saunders is a comic genius!

Thursday, 21 April 2011

Woo - Hoo

They're bringing back absolutely fabulous!
This pleases me.
I'm very excited.

Please watch - it's so funny. I love Jennifer Saunders so much. She's just amazing.

I hope this made you smile and cheered up your day slightly.
I love you.

Wednesday, 20 April 2011

Thank you...

Very, very much for your comments and support. And for understanding. I'm sure I don't need to tell any of you how much it means to have someone who understands, so thank you.

I went camping yesterday. I'm not long back. I had never been camping before, but I liked it. There was about 15 of us there, it was fun but so fucking cold. I'm so tired today, but I will definitely do it again.

For once I don't really have anything to say, so I'll just say thank you again, and ask how you are all doing?

Sunday, 17 April 2011

Positive Thinking...

I'm feeling a bit more positive today, I hope this feeling hangs around for a while.

I am off now for easter for 2 weeks, so I want to make the most of it.

I think now I am just tired, I am tired because I have wasted so much of my life already, I have been this way for about 6 years, so take that away from my 18 years, it's a long time of my life, I think if I had lost weight I would feel like the 6 years hadn't been a complete waste of time, because I would be able to look at myself and say, well look what I have achieved. But I can't say that.
I will though, I will be able to look at myself at my 70Ibs goal weight, and be proud that I have achieved what I wanted to.

I can't wait for that day, I will not waste another 6 years of my life, I will get to that point where I am happy with myself, I can go out and just enjoy my life without having that feeling that people are looking and judging.

I just want to have a life.

Saturday, 16 April 2011

Charlie Chaplin

Today has been... well not being too dramatic, but horrendous. Yip that's it. Horrendous.

I had a horrible hangover, like the worst in a long time. And then I got my period.
Period made me binge, hangover didn't like it. Had to replace food. Hangover didn't like the walk. It's 8.15pm and I'm only just starting to feel half human again.

I have felt strange today, like other than the hangover etc.
I have felt strange within myself.

I went out with Kathryn last night, just the two of us. We haven't done this in a long time, if ever. Yes we see each other more or less every day but we rarely have a catch up, you know what I mean?

It was a fun night. There was an old man that was buying us drinks, then another old man who came to our table, didn't even say hello or anything like that just started with 'I have 40 acres of land, will one of you marry me?' no hint of humour or sarcasim at all like.

We talked, like properly talked, she told me something, something that I wasn't expecting and something that filled me with rage and sympathy and sadness. I cannot tell you what it is because that would be fair of me because it's not my thing to tell and I wouldn't feel right. But it wasn't nice.

I was glad she told me, because I think she had been dealing with it for a while on her own. I was going to tell her, I was going to tell her that I make myself sick, that I like to fast, that I wake up everyday with a battle raging in my head.

The thing she told me was one of those things that would really mess with your head, so I was going to tell her because I thought that it if she knew I understood her pain and how she was feeling even a small bit it might help her.

But we got interrupted. So I didn't get the chance to tell her.

I text her this morning but I think that it was the alcohol that made her tell me because she didn't say anything about it when we were talking today.

I didn't say anything either I just let her know that I was here.
We talked about an awful lot of stuff.

It's made me feel different, think different.
I don't know whether this is good or bad yet.

I hope everyone is well.

Oh and I have no idea what is with my title, his name just popped into my head and he always used to make me laugh...

Friday, 15 April 2011

Thursday, 14 April 2011

Under your thumb, I can't breathe... I won't let you close enough to hurt me...

I am broken.
I am damaged.
I am faulty.

I look normal.
I look more or less like a normal girl.
More or less about like a normal 18 year old girl.
To look at me the only differences between me and any other 18 year girl are that I'm a lot smaller, I look a lot younger. But that's about it.

But if you look further there are more...

I am covered up.
From neck to foot usually.
I don't even like rolling up my sleeves.

On my good days I can wear a t-shirt but that's about it.

My best friend who has known me for 8 years has only seen my legs about 3 times.

I look normal...
but I am most definitely not...

I am unhappy
Very unhappy.

I am not the same as other 'normal' 18 year olds.

I look normal, so therefore I must be normal, right?

No I'm not.

That is why I need to be thin - very thin.

This isn't about wanting to be skinny and pretty.

This is about wanting my body to reflect my mind.

I want people to look at me and know that something is wrong
But I don't want them to stop me.

Do you see my dilemma?

Sunday, 3 April 2011

He was buried in the mountains, and that is against the law...

Things are going to change.

I'm growing up - I leave college in about 5 weeks, then its time for real life.
I have get a job.
A proper job
A grown up job.

But I'm not a grown up.

I leave college in the middle of May.

Then I will be looking for a job.
I will probably only have a couple of weeks for my last summer as not really a child but not really an adult.

These few weeks will be spent mostly at a quarry, this means swimming and sunbathing and eating from portable bbqs and having a few drinks and enjoying summer nights.

I want to be able to allow myself to enjoy these small weeks, I want to have a few drinks and a little bit of food with my friends. I want to swim all day and lie out in a bikini top. I want to have fun.
But I can only do this if I lose weight - I'm not going to be able to lie out and swim and let people see me.

So there's only one thing I can do

The race is on!

(I was watching the end of bucket list, hence the title lol)

How is everyone? Tell me what you've been up to.
I love you - every single one of you - with all of my heart

Friday, 1 April 2011

I'm addicted, and I just can't get enough...


I know I keep disappearing - I'm actually amazed I still have followers. I wouldn't follow me.

My puppy chewed through my laptop charger, and my mum is really funny about people using her laptop for some reason so the odd time she does let me use it - it's only for like 10 minutes and she keeps looking to see what I'm doing so I didn't really want to chance logging on here and her seeing.

Anyway I got a new charger today but the stupid people only sent me the adapter - theres no plug. I don't know if all laptop chargers are the same or not but with mine theres two parts the part that goes into the laptop and has the big adapter part on the end of it and the part that goes into the adapter and then has the plug on the end - well they didn't send the plug bit. I'm using my mums plug bit now on my laptop. I don't know where my old charger is so I'll have to hunt about for it and see if the plug bit has been bitten or not. So I'll let you know.

Ok sorry that was an awful lot of writing to say something very simple. I'm not feeling very articulate right now.

I know I keep saying sorry, and I'm sure that is starting to lose it's meaning now but I am.

Like I was building relationships with people on here and then I leave and now I've probably fucked them all up.

I hope to be back on here properly for good, but I'll not promise anything just in case. But if my plug bit isn't bitten then I will be back.

I hope everyone is ok and I'm sorry again.
I hope you can forgive me. Again...