Monday, 7 June 2010

I need out

I need out of my house, I need out of my villiage, I need out.

I have been trying to do coursework all day, like literally all day, and I didn't type one single word. I just don't know what to do, I don't know how to do it. I can't ask my my friend because she has just as much to do as I have. I can't ask my teachers because "their busy with more important stuff", and my mum, what would be the point? I was telling her about all the stuff I have to do and how I don't know how to do any of it, and do you know what she said? "Oh dear". Yeh cause that fucking helps! I was thinking, and I truly don't remember a time when she ever helped me with school work, even when I was a child, it was always my sister, or my nanna or grampa, my friends mum, my aunty, or whoever it was that I had been shipped out to, but never my mum.

I cried tonight, I haven't cried in so long, really I can't remember the last time, it must be a year, at the very least. It wasn't very much or for very long, but I cried. I cried because I know I am going to fuck up this course like I have fucked up everything else.
But this course was different, my exams in school didn't matter, my GCSE's didn't matter. Why? Because I didn't care, I didn't try.
But I really really tried with this course, I wanted to do well so badly, and I'm still fucking it up.

I was looking at jobs abroad when I finally gave up on my coursework, but it seemed a bit far fetched.
So I looked for jobs in Belfast, I'm going to keep looking, I really want to work all the hours humanly possible, so I can get my license and a car, then I want to leave.

I want to leave. I want to live in Belfast. I don't care if I have to work 3 jobs to keep myself afloat, I'm going, as soon as I can.

I don't know if I will be back to college next year, it all depends on this coursework that I can't do. But if I do I'm going to spend next year, working, getting my license and a car, and just saving up so when I finish college next year, I have enough money to rent somewhere in Belfast.

I have always been a homebird, I love the village where I live. But something seems wrong about my life here now. It's suffocating me and I can't breath.
I need out

1 comment:

  1. i need out too.
    it's good to cry sometimes.
    it let's it all out.