I am trying to look for a job, I have applications sitting all around me but I can't fill them in on my own, they are complicated and I don't have a clue, but there is no-one to help. Even if I managed to do the forms and managed to get an interview - I have no confidence in myself so interviews are always shit.
No job means no money means staying at home means mother or myself will most likely end up dead.
Oh yes mother dearest and myself are fighting. Again.
She walks up to me yesterday in the street calls me a tramp and then leaves again. Said she was joking when I took offence to it. Well fuck me sorry for clearly having no sense of humour, just didn't think it was that funny.
Now have to put up with her acting like a child, silent treatment, door slamming etc, etc.
I am taking the opportunity and fasting for a day or two, as mother will not care or I doubt even notice.
I am sad at the minute.
Just sad.
I need a job so I can move out or I will go mad extremely quickly.
Best friend and boyfriend are aware somethings not right. I don't really have the energy to put my usually front on, don't think blaming my mood on being tired is really convincing them.
The boyfriend thinks I'm losing interest and that I don't trust him. Not true I'm just sad and I hate the fact that I can hardly bear to have him even hug me never mind anything else.
Don't know what's really going on with me right now. I just want to lose weight and starve all these feelings away.
xo
My sweet, broken butterfly...
ReplyDeletethe confidence you so desperately need comes on the way, don't wait for the confidence to come, begin something and the confidence will come, trust me, i know all about that and more. Don't let those applications go to waste...write them send them, take the risk of failing knowing you will get up right away and begin with a new goal.
Your issue with your mother...she is a frustrated woman who failed to live her life and now she is blaming it on you, don't let her tell you things that you don't deserve, fight for what you want and for what you think, no matter that she will scream even more just to prove her point to you, fight back.
Our best arm is our masks, without them we would be dead. Your boyfriend...well sorry for being harsh here...but if he thinks that he doesn't know you, the truth is that you didn't let him know you. A relationship is based on knowing the other, his/her true self.
Look at the future and try to make it better.
Remember: you are a beautiful human being INSIDE and OUT.
I love you, dear.
PME