Friday, 5 August 2011

Not sure anymore...

I don't like thinking that I have an eating disorder, for the whole six years I've been like this, I have tried to convince myself that it's not strange behaviour, but it is - It is disordered behaviour. And I need to face up to that.
I thought about it a lot and I thought well what am I then?? Anorexic, bulimic??

I think about food and calories and losing weight every waking moment, I want to be smaller, smaller, smaller. I want to be skin and bones, I want to not eat ever.

So I must be anorexic right? Or least getting there. I want to be emaciated - Anorexics are emaciated, so that must be it.
I'm not sure.

Yeh I have anorexic tendencies, I can on occasions control myself. Sometimes I can control myself extremely well.
Then other times I lose all control and I turn into a completely different person, I will become so ravenous and I will eat until I think I'm going to burst, then I will haul myself over the toilet and force my finger so far down my throat that for a few seconds I can't even breathe. Then I will get stuck in a rut.

I don't really like the label of EDNOS because that's not clear cut, I like things to have a definition, an exact cause, an exact cure, exact everything.
I know with eating disorders that nothing is exact. This is were I have conflict with myself, because I like everything to be clear cut, but I think that although eating disorders are clubbed together - they are not the same.

I don't understand how you can treat 50 anorexics in the same way for their disorder. Yes those 50 people may do similar things, have similar traits, but the reason they got the disorder, what they feel about it, how they function with their eating disorder in a day to day basis is completely different.

I don't really know how I got on to talking about all this - But I was watching youtube videos earlier (Yvonne Madden - LostLittleGurlyGurl) and she really got my thinking. I've watched her videos for a long time and I remember a few of her older ones when she was in the middle of a horrible case of bulimia, she was stuck in a rut of binging and purging every single day, of feeling tired and sore all the time, of not being able to sleep of being so depressed, and then this leading her back to binging and purging.

I have had a lot of periods like that, I will eat too much and purge will make it difficult to sleep, which leaves me tired and sore, which leads to me eating more and it really is a hideously vicious cycle.

I have had periods like that, that can go on for weeks, but then the times of being controlled and restricting and losing weight are usually only a few days. Why is this??

I try and make sense of everything but I have so many different thoughts running through my head all the time that it is impossible to grab one thought and hang on to it to make sense of it before the rest coming flooding though.
How are you suppose to carry on and live a normal life and think about normal things when everything is centred around these disordered thoughts?

Yvonne was also saying that you have to carry on living life, you can't just stop, yes you may have an eating disorder but you can't let the world pass you by. How do you do this? How does anyone do this?

My mind is fucking racing and it never stops.


  1. How? Well simply by realizing that acting so cold, so harsh towards people you hurt them. If one has a person he/she really cares about, he/she will stop thinking about what he/she wants...but about what is better for the persons surrounding her. Why do they think that they can treat 50 people in the same way? because they do not care enough, for them it is just a job, at the end of the day, they will go to their family and forget about everything that happened during the day.
    I do care xxx

  2. I think that psychologist try to place everyone into groups of disorders to make it easier on them and easier on the people they are treating. Like you said, its nice to "know" what you have. But what if everyone "has" something... then maybe these "disorders" aren't disorders at all... maybe they are just what each person is. yes there are ways to ease it and possibly cure the problem so that this person fits the standard of "normal" but seriously, what is normal these days?... but like you said, categories make it so hard when everyone has such different stories. I have always pondered all of those same questions that you have asked... I ope htat we can some day find some answers. I can totally relate to falling into a binge/purge cycle... then being able to starve for only a few days before it repeats. It suck that this has to be so hard.
    chin up girly. you can do whatever your heart desires, all you have to do is put you mind soul and body into it

  3. Thank YOU so much for your comment, it really made my day :) And I absolutely love reading your blog and your posts. You are so insightful on a lot of topics it's really inspiring and gets me thinking :)

    Not everyone is capable of having such meaningful discussions and so I love it whenever I meet someone, like yourself that can :)


  4. I am the same way; wow. Weeks and days straight and basically never ending periods of binging/purging. It's such a vicious cycle indeed. Then maybe a day or two here and there of fasting. But rarely. I wish I could fast all the time because it's not as bad on my body, but it is what it is.
    And I also completely agree on the treating 50 anorexics the same way idea; it's different for every single person. I was in this ED recovery center and all the other girls there had anorexia - I was the only bulimic. And they treated us all the same; sure it's the same thing, an eating disorder, but it was not at all effective for me so I was relasping after a few days of being there! And I would fake my way through it all and look at me now; over a year later and all that treatment shit didn't help at all. /:
    But thank you for being so understanding. Much love girl, and stay strong. ♥

  5. You're a clever girl, love.
    You'll find a way to live. Even if it's hard, even if it almost kills you; tires you out, drains you of everything.
    You'll find a way, and then you'll adjust.
    Because you're too wonderful, not to.

  6. wow!
    thats a very interesting perspective for a 18 year old! You seem to know what youre talking about, even around the ramblingness haha...

    Just stay strong and youll be happy!
    youre an inspiration to me :) thank you so much