Not sure anymore...

I don't like thinking that I have an eating disorder, for the whole six years I've been like this, I have tried to convince myself that it's not strange behaviour, but it is - It is disordered behaviour. And I need to face up to that.

I thought about it a lot and I thought well what am I then?? Anorexic, bulimic??

I think about food and calories and losing weight every waking moment, I want to be smaller, smaller, smaller. I want to be skin and bones, I want to not eat ever.

So I must be anorexic right? Or least getting there. I want to be emaciated - Anorexics are emaciated, so that must be it.

I'm not sure.

Yeh I have anorexic tendencies, I can on occasions control myself. Sometimes I can control myself extremely well.

Then other times I lose all control and I turn into a completely different person, I will become so ravenous and I will eat until I think I'm going to burst, then I will haul myself over the toilet and force my finger so far down my throat that for a few seconds I can't even breathe. Then I will get stuck in a rut.

I don't really like the label of EDNOS because that's not clear cut, I like things to have a definition, an exact cause, an exact cure, exact everything.

I know with eating disorders that nothing is exact. This is were I have conflict with myself, because I like everything to be clear cut, but I think that although eating disorders are clubbed together - they are not the same.

I don't understand how you can treat 50 anorexics in the same way for their disorder. Yes those 50 people may do similar things, have similar traits, but the reason they got the disorder, what they feel about it, how they function with their eating disorder in a day to day basis is completely different.

I don't really know how I got on to talking about all this - But I was watching youtube videos earlier (Yvonne Madden - LostLittleGurlyGurl) and she really got my thinking. I've watched her videos for a long time and I remember a few of her older ones when she was in the middle of a horrible case of bulimia, she was stuck in a rut of binging and purging every single day, of feeling tired and sore all the time, of not being able to sleep of being so depressed, and then this leading her back to binging and purging.

I have had a lot of periods like that, I will eat too much and purge will make it difficult to sleep, which leaves me tired and sore, which leads to me eating more and it really is a hideously vicious cycle.

I have had periods like that, that can go on for weeks, but then the times of being controlled and restricting and losing weight are usually only a few days. Why is this??

I try and make sense of everything but I have so many different thoughts running through my head all the time that it is impossible to grab one thought and hang on to it to make sense of it before the rest coming flooding though.

How are you suppose to carry on and live a normal life and think about normal things when everything is centred around these disordered thoughts?

Yvonne was also saying that you have to carry on living life, you can't just stop, yes you may have an eating disorder but you can't let the world pass you by. How do you do this? How does anyone do this?

My mind is fucking racing and it never stops.