Tuesday, 10 May 2011

I have absolutely no idea what's going on...

I'm getting fat.
I can feel it.
I can see it.
I don't like it.

I suppose calories wise, I am eating a 'normal' intake.
But in relation to actual food - Definitely not 'normal'.

I am constantly craving sugar.
I am so tired all the time.
I need the sugar to try and keep me awake.

I used to love being like this.
I blamed being tired for not eating.
I existed on caffeine and I loved it.
At one point I was taking 14 pro-plus and drinking 2 lires of diet coke, and maybe a sugar-free can of red bull or two, oh and of course my 15-20 a day habit.

It seemed so easy then.

My jeans that used to hang on me now hurt my hips because they dig in so much.
I have an even more protruding podge than usual.
Even my face is getting chubby.

I am trying to push thoughts away, I need to finish my course. I will not waste these two years in the final two weeks. I refuse to.
But it is very hard not to pay attention.
It is very hard not to care.

It still amazes me how well I can play myself. I can be so 'happy', so 'cheerful', so 'positive', so 'normal'. I can play a normal person, who fits in with other normal people. I can say and do the right things at the right time as to not arouse suspicion.
I am not any of these things.

I'm lost inside my own head.
I'm lonely, and I'm tired, I feel trapped, I feel sad.
But would I change it if I could?

I don't know...
It's horrible, but it's oh so comfortable, it's all I've known for such a long time


  1. ok, calm, calm, breath in and out, in and out,
    1. You are not alone, you have me and oh so many people.
    2. I am the same with the jeans problem, how about a fast? a little cleansing 24 hour fast?
    3. I blame the easiness with which i act in front of people on my acting classes, i used to do that even before i got into acting, so yeah, i am a lying bitch.
    4. No one likes getting fat, anorexic/anorectic/bulimic/EDNOS or not. No one likes getting fat, some just take it easier than we do.
    5. i don't think you would change it, even if you could, because we feel the most comfortable with what we know, not with the unknown, so no i don't think you would change it, even if you could.
    Stay strong.
    Take good care of your precious soul, Butterfly.
    Also, i would have to ask you not to mention me as Crina anymore, I start to panic every time someone addresses me as Crina on blogger ville.
    I love you,
    Your faithful "PerfectingMyEmptiness"

  2. We can kid ourselves we're not so lonely by remembering that we all so lonely - not alone, just lonely. Two weeks, it's not long. Try getting natural sugar from fruit and smooties and things instead.
    We're very good at portraying normal. It makes it harder to express to anyone what's going on inside our heads though. Try and find a close friend you can open up to. Or just do it here, where we totally get what you feel because we feel it too.
    Together we can get through these final few weeks, days, hours.
    Have strength. I believe in you. <3

  3. I wish you'd feel good again, and I hope you'll someday be able to accept and love yourself just the way you are, because that is all that matters.
    You'll get through it, I believe in you!

    I send you all my love and support,darling.