I can feel it.
I can see it.
I don't like it.
I suppose calories wise, I am eating a 'normal' intake.
But in relation to actual food - Definitely not 'normal'.
I am constantly craving sugar.
I am so tired all the time.
I need the sugar to try and keep me awake.
I used to love being like this.
I blamed being tired for not eating.
I existed on caffeine and I loved it.
At one point I was taking 14 pro-plus and drinking 2 lires of diet coke, and maybe a sugar-free can of red bull or two, oh and of course my 15-20 a day habit.
It seemed so easy then.
My jeans that used to hang on me now hurt my hips because they dig in so much.
I have an even more protruding podge than usual.
Even my face is getting chubby.
I am trying to push thoughts away, I need to finish my course. I will not waste these two years in the final two weeks. I refuse to.
But it is very hard not to pay attention.
It is very hard not to care.
It still amazes me how well I can play myself. I can be so 'happy', so 'cheerful', so 'positive', so 'normal'. I can play a normal person, who fits in with other normal people. I can say and do the right things at the right time as to not arouse suspicion.
I am not any of these things.
I'm lost inside my own head.
I'm lonely, and I'm tired, I feel trapped, I feel sad.
But would I change it if I could?
I don't know...
It's horrible, but it's oh so comfortable, it's all I've known for such a long time