My mind is a fucking minefield...

I can't keep up with my own thoughts, I don't think my own thoughts, they are just there. I mean I couldn't possibly think them, because if I did, I would know what they meant, wouldn't I?

I have noticed on the blogs I follow, that a lot of people deny to have eating disorders, they won't let themselves believe what they are doing is extremely unhealthy and potentionally very dangerous. But I think that is a natural reaction. It is so much easier to say that you are just a bit of a fussy eater than say your life is controlled by something that you cannot control. Because being a fussy eater is just something you are, something people let you be. Something that doesn't need to be 'fixed'. Where as an eating disorder is a problem that WILL get sorted weather you like or agree to it or not.

I have an eating disorder. As much as I hate to admit it. That's what it is. I am not a fussy eater. I am not just 'a bit different'. I am not of a sound mind, but I am sane enough to know this. A 'normal' person does not stray away from social situations because there will be food that they will have to eat in front of people, with them looking at every bite, and judging.

Normal people are not accustomed to ramming down every morsel of food they can into their damaged, scarred bodies, they do not feel the need to eat so much that they feel like they will actually die unless they force their fingers to the back of their throat. They do not lie to everyone that loves them about their habits.

They do not have ridiculous phobias of baked bean when they can eat spaghetti hoops, of ketchup when they can eat tomato soup, of JAM.

I wish so much to be thin, to be so thin that it is clear to everyone that I am ill.

But I don't want people to worry. I don't want people to notice. I don't want people to stop it.

I want to feel emotions. I want to be able to tell what emotion I should be feeling at a given time.

I want to be normal, but I don't want to be the same as everyone else.

This is not a negative post. I'm not anymore 'sad' than usual. I'm just confused.

Thank you for all the lovely comments, I do not deserve such kindness, I have done nothing to warrant your generous words.

x

Followers!!....

All 120 of you!! When did that happen???

Thank you, a lot!

When I started this lil blog of mine, I thought if I get 15 followers I'll be ecstatic, so thank you!

If you have followed me and I haven't followed you, please let me know because I like to read new blogs and follow. It makes me feel quite special that people take the time to read and comment and follow and I'd like to be able to do the same.

Oh and I was thinking about doing another one of those 'about me' posts, but the ones that are on the internet are all the same sort of questions I've already done. So if you want to know anything about me, or have any questions about ED or otherwise, please let me know and I'll try and answer them as best I can.

I hope you are all having a good weekend.

xo

Holly...

I love Holly very much.

She was the very first person to comment and follow, this wee blog of mine, back in February 2010. She has a blog but I don't know how to do links. She was also known as bLaNcH or BlAnCh - I don't remember which.

We left each other comments and a while later exchanged email addresses and now almost a year and 9 months after her first comment, we still email. A lot.

She is someone that listens, that understands, that cares and that helps.

We have been there for each other through happy times and sad times, school stress, exams and coursework panics, weight loss and weight gain. And unfortunetly even a death. We have emailed through everything.

She makes me feel better and makes me feel positive when all I want to do is crawl up into a ball a die. She makes me smile.

Holly lives in Australia, I live in Ireland.

I hope we can meet someday because it would be a horrible thought to think I could never meet the person who has pulled me out of some pretty rough times.

We have a very special bond I think, we understand each other completely and we know that sometimes tough love is what the other needs when one of us is particularly 'down'.

I am more glad than I can say that I found Holly, because I couldn't imagine getting by without our emails after so long. I am glad I have found someone who does the same things I do.

But then the less selfish part of me thinks about the horrible and sometimes horrific things I have done do myself over the years, and it breaks my heart to think of Holly doing those things too.

I would give anything to undo the pain she has gone through, the things she has done. I would give anything for her to have never felt bad enough about herself to end up the way I have.

Even though that would mean I would have never 'met' her.

Holly, you are such an incredible and beautiful person and I love you so much, You will always have a place in my heart and I really mean that.

xo

If a great wave shall fall, It'll fall upon us all...

Thank you so much for your comments on my last post.

I tried to make my dreads the main focus of that picture. I am not the most photogenic person, I really don't like photo's of me. The only photo's with me in them are usually with friends.

I want pictures of me and my friends because I like to look back, I don't want to look back and see my friends in pictures doing all these wonderful things, while I know I was the one taking the picture because I couldn't bear to be in them.

To be honest the only time I feel half normal is when I'm with my friends, especially Kathryn, so I want to have some evidence of me actually being there.

My dreads are only 6 weeks old, which is why there don't look all that great, but they are getting there and hopefully won't be long until they're all tightened up.

Hope everyone's doing okay.

Thanks again for the comments

xo

Ahh!!!!.... Fuck it, here goes...

Moon, Lovely Me, Anafly, PerfectingMyEmptiness and Miss Alisha. Thank you. Like a lot!!

To be honest I didn't think anyone would really read my last post, and I thought if they did they would only read a bit. So thank you.

I love Blogger and I love blogging, but as I'm sure a lot of you know, when I get a bit down or sad I tend to disappear for a few weeks, which I don't really like doing because I miss you, but I don't really like boring people with my bad moods.

But if anyone would be interested, I could do different posts, like maybe some random posts, like my dogs, my dreads, random pictures, music etc. Like maybe if you wanted to ask me stuff about ED or just me, or maybe something you'd like me to write about.

Just something that isn't just me wittering on all the time.

I don't really know, but if you would have any ideas or something let me know.

I think I would just like to show that I'm not as miserable as some of my posts sound. Like I do get very sad, but you know not all the time.

Just something that shows I'm not just my ED.

I don't know, let me know what you think.

Okay a lot of you said you would like to see me, so I thought about it, and kind of freaked out. I don't know why, because I know none of you would turn around and just go, 'Eww', I do know that but it's just one of those things yana?!

Then I told myself to man up and just do it, so here goes:

That's why I said 'purple-ish' lol, the colour is growing out and looks a bit crap at the minute.

And just to clear up, I'm not trying to be like a Rastafarian or anything like that, here dreads are a bit more of a hippie thing. My brother calls me a tree-hugger lol.

Please excuse the crap picture but I can't take pictures of myself, it took ages to get one that didn't look like I was incredible pain.

Thanks again for all the lovely comments.

I hope everyone is enjoying the weekend.

Oh and too those in the UK, were you pissed of at the Xfactor just not being on for 20 minutes. I was panicking like a bitch.

Oh and too show some loyalty to a fellow countryman or woman even -

COME ON JANET!!!

xo

Who am I?...

After quite a few 'heavy' kind of posts later, I thought I would do a kind of 'about me' post, just random questions about me, so you can know me rather than my eating disorder. Because believe it or not, I'm not all doom and gloom. So here goes, hope you enjoy it:

1. What is your best friends name?

Kathryn :)

2. What colour underwear/boxers wearing now?

Pink :)

3. What are you listening to right now?

Wherever you will go by Charlene Soraia

4. Whats your favorite number?

53

5. What was the last thing you ate?

Thortons chocolate

6. If you were a crayon what color would you be?

Purple

7. How is the weather right now?

Wet, windy and miserable

8. Who was the last person you talked 2 on the phone?

My Auntie Julie

9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

Eyes and smile, and if they make me laugh, but I notice these things with everyone...

10. Do you have a significant other?

No

11. Favorite TV show?

Absolutely Fabulous

12. Siblings?

An older brother, and an older sister

13. Height?

4ft 10 (Not a typo, I'm actually that short)

14. Hair color?

I have purple-ish Dreads

15. Eye Color?

Grey/blue

16. Do you wear contacts?

No

17. Favorite Holiday?

London for my 18th Birthday

18. Month?

August, the weathers really good and it's my little dogs birthday month :)

19. Have you ever cried for no reason?

Yup

20. What was the last movie you watched?

Footloose! Was actually really good! Go watch it...

21. Favorite Day of the Year?

Christmas, or 1st October (The day I brought my puppy home :) ))

22. Are you too shy to ask someone out?

If sober lol

23. Can you do a headstand (not using the wall)?

No :( Although I think I can when I'm drunk, I'm actually quite the talented when stocious!

24. Hugs or Kisses?

Hugs! Lots and lots of hugs!

25. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Chocolate, but I love vanilla in my coffees!

26. What books are you reading?

The last thing I read was about Ade Edmondson in a newspaper, (Love him :) ) haven't read a book since Harry Potter and that was ages ago

27. Piercings?

Just my ears

28. Favorite movies?

Matilda, Drop Dead Fred, Pirates of the Caribbean - Anything Disney :)

29. Favorite football Team?

I prefer Rugby :) and Rugby team would be Cymru!! :) (Wales)

30. what were u doing before this?

Looking for it...

31. Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn?

I only like butterkist popcorn, I hate cinema popcorn

32. Dogs or cats?

Dogs!!

33. Favorite flower?

Just nice big bright flowers

34. Been caught doing something you weren't supposed to do?

Yeh, smoking behind the mobiles in high school far too many times...And the odd drunken antic

35. Do you have a best friend of the opposite sex?

I used to have a few, but not really anymore

36. Have you ever loved someone?

I love lots of people :) (But in 'that' way, no I don't think so)

37. Who would you like to see right now?

My best friend, Kathryn

38. Are you still friends with people from kindergarten?

I think that's the same as Nursery here, so yes, one. We're not exactly friends but I still know him and we'd still talk if we saw each other

39. Have you ever fired a gun?

Only a paint ball one lol :)

40. Do you like to travel by plane?

No, hate it, completely unnatural!!!

41. Right-handed or Left-handed?

Ima lefty!!!!! :) yeh

42. How many pillows do you sleep with?

2

43. Are you missing someone?

Yeh, Kathryn :( I haven't seen her in 2 weeks, that's a long time for us

44. Do you have a Tattoo?

Yes! I have two little butterflies on my right wrist and I love them! :)

Okay, probably not the most interesting 'about me' you've ever read, but that's me.

If you've read this far, thanks, and well done....

xo

Rememberance Day

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

11.11.11

Miss Alisha and Lucy's Shadow...

Don't really know what to say other than thank - you. Thank you so much for caring.

That's still a big thing about blogger that I can't seem to get my head around, the fact that you care. About me.

I did cut.

But it's not that bad. I have never been a deep cutter, just enough to draw blood and feel it. I do it on my thigh. No-one ever sees my legs, even before the scars.

I do have scars and it's plain to see how they were caused, but they don't bother me that much, because I'm the only who sees them.

Although they have been there for a while, I don't think I'll have them for life.

I feel more positive today, I lost a pound from yesterday. I weighed myself about half an hour ago before I came up to bed and was still the same as this morning, which is amazing! I gained nothing all day, so hopefully I will get another good loss tomorrow.

I'm sorry Lucy and Alisha, but know that I'm only doing visual damage, and that will be the last time for a while.

Thank you again for caring.

And Alisha, please do what you can to keep the eating disorder out of your life, please don't let it creep back in.

xo

Well I hope there's someone out who can bring me back to you...

I was 3.4Ibs lighter on Friday than I am today, Tuesday.

And I can feel every ounce.

And it disgusts me, more than I can even put into words.

My mind is fucking with me, it embeds things that I know cannot be possibly true, but it makes me believe them. But they are not even lies about my body. They are lies that I would give anything to be true.

So sometimes I let myself believe them, when I get really sad. I will let myself escape in them.

So now I must go and cut into my leg to try and distinguish weather I actually am real or not...

x

I love you all quite a lot...

I really do, you are all cool!

I'm crap with replying to comments as I'm sure you've all noticed, but I read and appreciate every word. I promise I'll get better at relying to them.

Believe it or not I do love replying to comments, because I like being able to (hopefully) give support like you have to me.

I have gained weight the past couple of days, but I'm trying to remain positive. And I will lose it again very soon hopefully.

There are a few of you that I feel I 'know' better than others, and some who I exchange comments with more than others, and names I am more familar with (and the American spell-checker says that familar is spelt wrong and that spelt isn't a word, what the fucks-up with that!)

but I really do have a love for each and every one of you, that has said a nice word, given support or even only read my ramblings.

Seriously spell-checker is a bitch!

Any Americans out there, do you really not have 'spelt' as a word??

(Oh and just to say, I know that America and UK do have different spellings of words, and I'm not saying anything bad about that, just about how spell-checker is American when I'm in the UK)

Just wanted you to know I wasn't slagging anyone off lol, cause I love you all even if you do spell colour without a 'u' - Oh I've set of the little red line again....

xo

Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again...

I hate to say it again, but sorry.

I don't know why I always apologise but it's just something I do.

And thanks...again.

You are all truly wonderful!

I wish I could figure myself out, I really do.

I feel... well actually it doesn't matter what I feel because I 'feel'.

I think it has passed and left me alone for another little while.

I don't know why I get my 'sad times' but for now, I don't feel quite so, not there. When I get sad I feel like the last tiny part of me is being taken away, like my mind is all but gone.

Then I wake up and for no apparent reason, 'I' come back. I am allowed back.

I don't know if you can tell or not but this post is positive.

I have managed since Monday to eat a little bit less than the day before, which I'm quite happy about, and I have lost weight since Monday. Which I am also happy about.

I have set myself a weekly goal for the rest of November to lose 2Ibs every week. Although this is less than I would like, there is nothing to say I can't lose more, I just want to make goals that I can stick to.

So by the end of November I aim to weigh 99Ibs.

I hope to be able to comment again, and be able to write positive words.

I'm sorry again for being so miserable, you are all incredible and I feel so very lucky to be part of this little community.

I love you,

And I really do.

Tears...

Thank you, your comments made me cry. And I don't cry. I still find it hard to accept that you all care, but I appreciate it, A lot.

I hate to say it, but the only word I have to describe me right now is hopeless.

I feel very little at the minute. I would say I feel numb, but that can't possibly be a feeling, can it?

I have gone through periods like this before, where I'm a bit more unhappy than usual.

This will, I'm sure, like the others pass.

But until then I don't really know.

I can't even really be bothered stringing a proper sentence together.

I always said I would be in control.

But I'm not.

I'm really not.

This thing, whatever it is, is eating away at me, one tiny bit at a time.

She doesn't want me here, she wants me out of this body, so she can fix it and make it thin.

I need to do it myself fast or I will die, trapped inside this body, while she takes over.

I may have gone mad.

But to be honest,

I can't really tell.

Sorry...

I have become very unreliable, I say I am back then I leave again.

I say I'll blog more. And I don't.

I say I'll comment more. And I don't.

Sorry.

THE WORST FEELING OF ALL

IS SAID TO BE FEELING NOTHING AT ALL

FEELINGS PUT TO ONE SIDE

THERE IS NO WHERE TO HIDE

Nothing by Nathan Swensons

Not sure.

I write in my calorie book everyday.

I weigh myself everyday.

I record it everyday.

Nothing seems to be changing.

Except...

I feel a little bit sadder every day.

I lose a little bit more energy every day.

I lose a little bit more enthusiasm every day.

I love my little dog so very much.

She makes me feel very almost human.

She looks up at me with her beautiful big eyes.

She looks up at me just bursting with love.

I know by looking at her that I have an unconditional bond with someone.

Someone who will always be there.

Someone who will always be glad to see me.

Someone who makes me feel less worthless.

And all I have to do is walk her, feed her, give her water, clean up after her and let her sit with her head nuzzled under my jacket, holding her close when the fireworks scare her.

Oh and of course give her treats and the odd belly rub.

To my little Cassie, I am the most important person in her world.

Me.

Little old me.

I am her everything.

And she shows me this everyday by giving me a little lick on my chin.

That is the best feeling.