I have noticed on the blogs I follow, that a lot of people deny to have eating disorders, they won't let themselves believe what they are doing is extremely unhealthy and potentionally very dangerous. But I think that is a natural reaction. It is so much easier to say that you are just a bit of a fussy eater than say your life is controlled by something that you cannot control. Because being a fussy eater is just something you are, something people let you be. Something that doesn't need to be 'fixed'. Where as an eating disorder is a problem that WILL get sorted weather you like or agree to it or not.
I have an eating disorder. As much as I hate to admit it. That's what it is. I am not a fussy eater. I am not just 'a bit different'. I am not of a sound mind, but I am sane enough to know this. A 'normal' person does not stray away from social situations because there will be food that they will have to eat in front of people, with them looking at every bite, and judging.
Normal people are not accustomed to ramming down every morsel of food they can into their damaged, scarred bodies, they do not feel the need to eat so much that they feel like they will actually die unless they force their fingers to the back of their throat. They do not lie to everyone that loves them about their habits.
They do not have ridiculous phobias of baked bean when they can eat spaghetti hoops, of ketchup when they can eat tomato soup, of JAM.
I wish so much to be thin, to be so thin that it is clear to everyone that I am ill.
But I don't want people to worry. I don't want people to notice. I don't want people to stop it.
I want to feel emotions. I want to be able to tell what emotion I should be feeling at a given time.
I want to be normal, but I don't want to be the same as everyone else.
This is not a negative post. I'm not anymore 'sad' than usual. I'm just confused.
Thank you for all the lovely comments, I do not deserve such kindness, I have done nothing to warrant your generous words.
x
"I want to feel emotions. I want to be able to tell what emotion I should be feeling at a given time."
ReplyDeletei can relate to this. so so much. it's such a paradox. i can't feel... but it's uncomfortable not to feel.. i mean.. most of the time anyway..
x
unwarranted kindness is the best sort :)
ReplyDeleteYou do deserve a lot of love!
ReplyDeleteThe pics on my post were taken in Nepal, I've been trekking through the Annapurna region in October with my father (oh how I miss that days..)
xoxo
Lucy
<3
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment. It really and truly made a difference in my day.
I cannot even tell you how much I can relate to this. I have problems admitting to having an eating disorder. I can't say the words, "I have an eating disorder," and mean them. Usually, I say, "I have disordered eating habits." Maybe because it sounds better. Who knows?
You absolutely deserve all the kindness you are given, and so much more. <3