Sorry I havn't been commenting very much I don't feel I can give anything to you at the minute I'm sorry I don't know why, but I'm still reading. 600 Calories today. I hope everyone is doing okay. I'll do a proper post in a few days - Not in a very talkative mood at the minute. Thank you to everyone that left me a comment on my previous post, really thank you is no where near enough to tell you how much they ment to me.
Rachel x

I can't

I cant do this anymore. I am sick of being me.
I am sick of not being perfect.
I want to be smart and nice and pretty and loved.
All she ever wanted to do was help me and I fucked up.
I am never going to be good enough
And I hate that

Lovely!

Okay time for a plan of action! I have decided that their is no plausable reason why I can't lose weight - All it is is eating a bit less - swapping some foods to less fat ones, walking a bit further with my dog, moving a bit more. It really isn't that hard. I'm going to make a timetable for myself like a minute for minute account of everything I have to do - That way I have a certain time I can eat and I won't have time to eat later on because I will be doing stuff, like coursework and housework and other exciting things like that. My mum and I aren't talking at the min which makes this all the easier to do. I make myself food and bring it to my room - I go out - she doesn't care where it's great. I'll not bore you with why we aren't talking but basically I'm the devil child and she's just a wonderful human being. But anyway - I basically want to be moving about, going places, doing things every minute of everyday. I basically just don't want to let myself think about food and other bad crappy stuff like that.

A bit of topic but I'm so glad that I'm not old enough to vote. I have read about the election and stuff on a few other blogs and I know I should be interested and I try to be really - I watched the news and everything last night but my god it is so complicated - They don't really say what they are going to do if elected they just slag of the other people. I really don't understand. I think Gorden Brown should go though because he never really seems to know what he's talking about. Ok there is my political input - Not very insightful but it's the best I can do.

Has anybody else got a plan of action at the minute - If you do please share with me,

Rachel x

This is it

I have had quite a week, it has been full of mitching college, driving about with my friend, getting drunk, getting found out about mitching college, fighting a lot with my mother, eating everything I can get my grubby little hands on, getting more drunk, nearly getting a boyfriend but then thinking twice about it, nearly getting attack by two very drunk sex obsessed twats, getting a little bit more drunk, dancing all night and walking home in the pouring rain.

I don't want this I want to get back on track - Since starting this blog I have lost a pathetic 6 pounds and I have probably gained it all back in this week. I have to lose it again and a lot, lot more. I don't want to live like this anymore. I have had these thoughts rolling about in my head since I was 13 but I didn't fully understand them, then I did understand them, but didn't do very much about them, but now I am going to do a lot about them. I have spent 4 years of my life with this in my head I am not going to let that time go to waste. I am getting back on track this week is 600 calories everyday along with 1 hour walking.

Does anyone know any good exercises I can do aswell- I did have some but I didn't really feel like I was being tested. Any exercises that I don't need any equipment for. Thanks.

I have been texting this fella I used to go to school with and we get along so well, we always did as friends, he's such a lovely person, so sweet and almost scared to say things incase he says something wrong. I really like him but I don't want to drag him into this with me, I can be quite an unpleasent and nasty person sometimes and he should be saying these things to someone that actually deserves him, not me. I don't feel I could go out with him - I couldn't give him the time - I really really need to lose a lot of weight quite quickly and I don't think I could do both.

I'm sorry again not much structure to this post. I have a lot of things floating about in my mind and it's all confusing me a bit. Hope everyones doing okay,
Rachel x

I'm sick today - Not really sick just a little bit sick. I think it's a sinus infection or something - It hurts my back when I cough and I'm all bunged up and my voice is fucked and if I bend over I think my face is going to fall of. But it really isn't that bad. I get this quite a lot and usually a lot worse. I not at college today - Not because I'm sick I just can't be bothered, my mum is away and my brother leaves before me and gets home after me so it's just kind of to easy not to go. Fuck it I'm not going to miss anything - It's not like we have exams or anything my course is assignments based so it'll be fine. I'm determined not to waste my day though - I have to dogs to walk and a room to clean and a kitchen to do and hoovering so there is my day... I know exciting isn't it?

Oh I finally plucked up the courage to weigh myself and as of yesterday morning I weighed 110Ibs or 7 stone 8. Not great but at least I'm of 8 stone yey. I will never go back to 8 stone. The next thing I want to get off is triple numbers - I don't like them. I want to be 99Ibs. I know it might take me a while but I don't want it to take too long because since February I have lost 5 pounds. Yes 5 fucking shitty pounds. I wasn't going to put that up but maybe sharing my crappy weight loss will give me a kick up the arse and get me moving.

I have started watching skins on 4OD - series 1 and 2. With cassie and sid and tony and the rest of them. It's really good and I just love cassie - she is so... I don't know she is just beautiful and adorable with the wee things she says and does and I just love her. I wish she were a real person. Okay that probably sounded weird but fuck it I wish she was real.

This sounds really bad but I hope my mum doesn't come home tomorrow. I wouldn't mind a little while longer - It's been nice me and my brother, and my sister has been round too. And when mum's not here my dog can be in the house. That sounds really nasty but I don't mean it to be - It's just my mum gets pissed of very easily so when my brother trys to have a joke or someone says something not meaning to offend she fucking goes into one and storms of somewere. We are all just a bit more relaxed when she is away because we don't have to worry about saying the wrong thing. The planes are still down I think so she was looking into getting a ferry but I really wouldn't mind just a few more days.

I hope everyone's doing ok. I love you. Try and post later.
Rachel x

Ijust wanted to give a quick update I'll do a proper post when I get up tomorrow I'm so tired - My friend had to bring me home because I kept falling asleep in her car.

Binge day wasn't really that bad to be honest I got a vanilla cappichino this morning then had a magnum and a fudge bar, a toasted cheese and ham samwich for my lunch a few buns (I was baking today) then 4 buns about 5 mins ago. So I don't think it was to bad for a binge day. I didn't weigh myself but I will tomorrow... I hope

Proper post to come tomorrow when the eyes aren't hanging out of my head. Good night everyone. I love you
Rachel x

My day

My day was kind of good actually - I didn't really do any of the stuff on my list except for the shower - whoops. O well. My friend and I went sunbathing and oh my god how warm could it have been? Seriously it was a fucking roaster today. Then we went back to hers to get her car and by this point my stupid fucking allergy had kicked in (I am allergic to the sun - Yes really the sun I know stupidest allergy ever) but anyway it gives me the worst mirgranes ever - I can get really ill with them and when its really bad my face swells up... It really is as lovely as it sounds. I have tabletss for them but they are very strong which means I have to eat with them I have tried having milk or something like that but it doesn't work and they make me violently sick so... My friend (K) was going to the chippy so I got a chicken burger - I know but I haven't had one for literally years and it was good. But that was it all day except for 2 litres of water and a few mouthfuls of diet coke.

After all that we went and picked up a few mates and were just drinking and stuff in the car... I didn't drink I was good I'm not generally a big drinker anyway and K wasn't drinking obiously because she was driving so it was fine - It was fun actually there was only 5 of us but it was good we were just singing and generally mucking about but one of the fellas got out of the car and was sick like badly sick so we were on our way to take him home and the other fella was sick all over the back of the car and me and K had to try and clean it - And oh boy it was stinking but hey I think I've lost my appitite for a while!

A part from the few sicky incidents it was quite a good night. I'm not to annoyed about eating because it was 6 oclock when I did and I've had nothing since. I seem to work better this way like not saying "I'm going to fast - I'm going to eat nothing" because usually when I do that I have the biggest binges, so I think I'm going to take the more relaxed approach and hope it works out.

I really need to do some cleaning tomorrow because my house is a mess - And hopefully get a bit of time on the wii and stuff. I think I'm going to weigh myself in the morning... I haven't weighed myself since the 12th of March because I've been to afriad but I really hope I've lost something - I don't really mind if it's not much I just want to see some progress. So here's hopeing.

Hope everyones having a lovely weekend. Talk soon
Loads and loads of love - I really mean that by the way - I really have grown to love you, I love reading what you've been up to and the comments you leave, you all really make my day - I love you all
Rachel x

Hello

Everyone. Today is friday which means no college for Rachel! It is 4 minutes to 12 here so if have 4 hours to myself before my brother comes home. My mum is away until wednesday so I'm going to try a fast I think - I have never been very good with these but I'm going to try a different approach - I am going to have tea, coffee, diet drinks, low cal juice and stuff like that - This is mostly experimental - It's just that while I have the chance I want to see if I can do it.

Today I should be kept busy enough, I have my room to tidy, a shower to get, a house to clean, a dog to walk and I want to have a wee while on the wii, and I think I'm going out with my friend later. I like going out with her - we just go and see friends that we haven't seen in ages because they live a way from us - But it's good because if we do go to the shop - I only bring enough money in with me to buy a drink and then it's always quite late when we get home so I never wanna eat anything anyway.

Sun is still shinning here - Hope it's as lovely where you are :)
Anybody any plans for the weekend??
Rachel x

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days - My best friend got her licence a few days ago so I have been out with her the whole time and haven't had the chance to. But a plus in this wee situation - I can smoke when I want and I hardly eat anything because I never eat until at least 12 or 1 anyway so we get something at about 3 or 4 and that does the rest of the day so yeh. But no physical activity. The same friend joked today about how "we will get fat because we're never gonna walk anywere" - I am determined not to let that happen. I have this real... I don't know if it's determination or what but I have a real hunger NOT to eat - I don't want to let myself - I don't know where it has come from but it's stronger than it's ever been.

I wasn't going to mention this but I want to know if anyone feels the same. I saw someone the other day that I haven't seen in a long time (we were just passing in cars) but she used to be like a second mum to me and I was going through a bad time and she was always there exactly when I needed her - It was strange I could tell her things I couldn't tell anyone else and she never judged me or anything like that - But over the last while I haven't really seen her at all - And I miss her desperately. I feel awful for saying this but I need to know if anyone else has had this - I feel like she has left my life and the only way to get her back is if I get sick. I have loads of things that have fuelled *this* but is that an awful thing to do/think? I feel horrible even thinking it - But I need her back and this is the only way I think I can

SUN

I'm writing in yellow today because this has been the best weekend in a long time weatherwise - It's been so sunny and warm and it's been just brill! Instead of going out with my friends like normaly 17 year olds probably would I spent the whole weekend in my garden with my dog - I know I'm weird. But I really couldn't think of a better way to spend it - I just love my dog. And today I went for a walk - about an hour and a half with my dog, my sister and her dog and three other friends. I'm sure we looked funny - Because me and my sister are quite small and were being trailed around by our dogs, one of the fellas we were with uses a mobility scooter and the other two fellas had the wee white pins out in shorts - I'm sure we looked a site but it was fun. And it was with people so yey go me...

I'm not going to say very much foodwise today because it wasn't awful but it wasn't what I wanted either but tomorrow is a new day - God I've just relised how much I say that...

College tomorrow - Uh I really can't be bothered - It means I'll have to get used to spending my days with people again - Does that sound as bad as I think it does? Does anybody else find that they love being by themselves - and will make excuses or just not answer their phone to aviod going out?

Well I really should go because I am sitting on a mountian of clothes on my bed - It really is as drastic as I'm making it sound. So I really should do it because some of these clothes have been on my floor literally for months - I mean I forgot I had most of them.

If tomorrow is your first day back to college/school/work etc after easter then I hope it goes quickly and I hope the weather is as lovely were you are as I has been here.
I love you all,
Rachel x

Purpely Mood!!

Yesterday was alright actually, yesterday was purple, purple is a good mood, purple is calm and fine and good.

And I would take purple moods anyday of the week, they are not amazingly happy but they are fine.

Okay you are now probably thinking I'm really weird, but yes I do have a colour for my moods - I don't know why or where the whole thing came from but I just remember telling my friend a few years ago when I was quite drunk that today was a red day. Red is not good, red is bad, red is anrgy, red is bad. I don't like red.

Anyway getting away from the freaky colours - I tried something new yesterday, something different - I don't do this very often. But I did it - I had a dragon fruit. What is a dragon fruit you ask?? Well my lovely friends this is a dragon fruit:

From looking at it before I cut it open I was expecting something incrediable, I was expecting to have an experience something like the herbal essences adverts - But I didn't, I was very... nothing... It wasn't not nice but it was quite bland - And I usually eat quite bland food but this was bland even for me. The white bit in the middle had the same sort of texture as a kiwi, but a dragon fruit is made up of mostly water which is why it was quite tastleless - Yes I did google it. They do say that you should put it with other more flavoursome fruits. I probably wouldn't buy it again because it was expensive enough for all it was but if someone offered me one I might take it, there is a hint of sweetness if you eat some that is near the pink bit.

I went shopping yesterday as well. Yey. I used to despise shopping because that meant sizes, and trying things on, and dissapointment when I looked at it on me, and other bad, nasty things that I don't need. But I love shopping now because I discovered that I love love love shoes!! And nice jewellery, and pretty things for my hair, and scarfs, and other little trinkets like that, which don't involve looking at yourself in big long mirrors. So now shopping is anxiety free and thats just how I like it.

Hope everyone is doing okay. Yeh it's friday but college again on monday aw :(

Talk later lovelys, Rachel x

More Excitedness!!

I have 10 more minutes until I can wash my hair dye out. It's purple - well plum but you know - Purple!! This may not sound to drastic but for me it is because the most drastic colour I've ever put in my hair has been chocolate brown so I'm a bit excited lol. It looked really bright on my gloves and the wipes when I was cleaning it of my neck so I hope it turns out ok. hehe I know I'm a nerd getting so excited about this but there you go I'm a nerd. Will post tomorrow to let you know how it turned out.
Thanks for the comment Lillie - I know I love it SvS and you have to be as excited as me when you get provisional and drive to make me look like a bit less of a nerd. No fuck it we can be nerds together!! Yey.
I'm in a very strange mood today as I'm sure you've noticed but it's good I'm liking it.
And food wise still good. I've had a passionfruit so still under daily limit. Good day all round.
Lots of exciting love
Rachel x

Excitedness!!!!

I got my provisional today!! Yey! My brother took me out today - just to a car park near where we live, and I haven't been as excited in a long time. It was a lot more difficult than I thought, I kept going too fast and scaring the shit out of myself but it was fun and my brother is a great teacher.

558 calories today. Half an hour of walking my dog and 15 of each of my exercises.

I went food shopping with my mum today - I like it - But only with my mum - If I'm by myself I don't like it so much. When I'm with my mum I like finding healthy things or low cal things to get, I'll lift up fattening things and look at the cals and put it down and lift it back up and look at it then put it down and start again on the next thing - It's strange it's like a hobbey. It's not stressful it's enjoyable in a way because I know I'm not buying it so it's not going to be in my house so I'll not have to try and resist it - If that makes any sense. I'll not buy any bad things when I'm with my mum because I don't want anyone to see me getting it but when I'm on my own no-one knows so it's a bit more dangerous.

I'm watching SuperSize vs SuperSkinny at the minute - which for any of my American friends is a programme where Super big people and Super skinny people swap diets for a week. They are also doing a bit in it about American obese people and a bit about British Anorexics. The obese people are like really big - Like too big to get healthy again - It will kill them - It reinforces what I don't want to be, they are on huge amounts of tablets because of the massive list of health problems they have. And the Anorexics, seeing how little they eat and how much they struggle, it makes me think even more about what I eat. It can be difficult to watch at times but it's comforting at the same time if that makes any sense.

My computer doesn't have microsoft word on it - So when I'm doing coursework I use my brothers but he got a virus on it so you can't get into anything so I don't know what I'm going to do - mum said she would think about buying me a new laptop as mine isn't that great - But I would feel bad her paying for it. I am looking for a job but it's reallly hard trying to find one. I hate not having my own money because my mum feels like she has to buy me things - which I don't like because I'm 17 I should be able to pay for things myself.

Okay I think I'm going to shut up now because this is quickly turning into a mimi essay - Sorry about that.

Hope everyone is doing alright - How are you?? I love reading comments so please leave lots.
Rachel x

The snow didn't last as long as I thought it would - Which is good because it was so cold I hate being cold. This week has been really bad I have eaten "normally" but I really haven't enjoyed it - It doesn't feel normal - It feels gluttonous and un-natural. I feel horribly full every night when I go to bed and wake up feeling sluggish and still exhausted. I don't like it yet, every day this week has been the same. I like going to sleep with gentle hunger pangs in my stomach, I like waking up feeling refreshed and awake.

Next week has to be better - I can't do an other week of this - I can't. Tomorrow is easter sunday so my mum always makes a big dinner so I think tomorrow will be another day filled with food. But monday it begins again - My plan in the previous post - 600 cals along with the exercise I will do it. I've had a week of rebelling, of disobeying, of disappointment - And I've relised that I really don''t like it.

I'm sorry for this post - But I had to get it out of my head to share it with someone else other than the voices in my head. I'm sorry - I hope everyones holidays are going better than mine.
Rachel x