You would think I'd be getting used to this by now...

I'm getting... Well I don't know how to describe it. It's more than sad but I don't think it's quite depression either.

I'm sure a lot of you are the same. It's just another one of those bollocking cycles I go through.

I just can't be bothered...

You know, I wake up every day, feeling so miserable that I have to fight against my head and my appetite yet again, but I put my make-up on, I put on a smile and I smile and laugh at the right times, and everyone thinks that everything is fine and dandy with the world. I can cope with that - almost.

But now, to put it bluntly, I just cannot be arsed bothering. I don't care if I look as miserable as sin, or if I don't join in with conversation, or I look like death sitting in the corner. I just don't care. Which can be very dangerous. Because there is only so long I can pass this off as being tired.

It's weird, the only thing that lets me escape for a while from everything is absolutely fabulous outtakes. As strange as that may sound, but I get into it and it makes me laugh - like properly laugh out loud, which so little else does. So for now I'm going to stick with it. I will watch episodes and outtakes and any other things associated with ab fab and hope it continues to give me that slight feeling of being some what human.

This whole growing up gobshittery is starting to worry me because I just don't what to get into another shitty cycle. I don't want to get up and go to work, come home and go to bed. If my life is going to be like that I'm going to be so so bored. And I know that sounds like such an immature outlook - but I want to do more than just exist. I want to have a fun and exciting and meaningful life.

I don't want to do the normal boring things. It would drive me to absolute distraction.

I don't know what to do right now... I'm feeling very little.

Too look at me now I look drained, I look like theres nothing going on.

But my mind is fucking racing and I don't even know what about.

All I know is right now I'm very unhappy.

X