Snow

We have had really bad snow since yesterday afternoon - Like real bad - We had no electricity or anything for most of last night. It's like real blizzardy. It's not good at all and its just started again - So much for spring! Thats why I'm only getting to post now - I tried to a few times last night but power kept cutting out.

Today I have had 264 cals and I'm havin boiled eggs and a bit of bread for my dinner which will be 267. and that will bring my total to 531 which means I can have some tea later.

Hope everyones doing okay and that it's a bit warmer where you are!

Rachel x

Give my gun away when it's loaded...

Sorry for my post earier - Just one of those days I suppose.

Thank you Andy for your kind comment - It really did help.

I found a song today - 9 Crimes by Damien Rice - I would highly recommend you listen to it - It is one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard - there is a line in it - "give my gun away when it's loaded". It's kind of like when we hand our lifes over to our ED's without knowing what will happen - You could hand a loaded gun to someone and not know what will happen - we could get shot or we couldn't, we can't be sure either way.

It really is beautiful - It's one of those songs though that it depends on your mood - it could make you smile or it could make you cry.

Okay tomorrow is a brand new day - I am off for easter so I am going to make these two weeks count. My plan is to

• eat 600 cals or less a day
• Take my dog on two 30 min walks
• Do 30 mins of my exercise routine which consists of: - 15 each of: cruches, situps, pushups (girl), pushups (boy), 8 count body builders, Diagonal toe touch, single leg straddle - and about 5 minutes skipping (jump rope)

Ok I will do this for the next two weeks - I will I will I will I will

I don't want to come here and post my failings - I want to post and say today was a really good day - I want to write positive posts. I'm not going to promise anything but I will try to be more positive

Thank you to my followers and all you wonderful people that comment - You really don't realise how much they mean to me - Thanks

Rachel x

Binge day wasn't so great - usually I eat loads and then I have satisfyed my cravings for the week but yesterday - I did eat quite a bit but not as much as usual and because I had stuff left - I've started again today - I have eaten half of what was left - and I know I'm going to finish the rest - my mum is making sunday dinner so that will go down to - It's one of those times that no matter what I do to try and stop myself - It will happen anyway.

I've failed again

I'm so sorry

3rd post today - you are a lucky bunch of people lol

To Lillie...

Thank you for your comments - I have about four loads done and I'm not done yet- I know I don't even remember ever buying all these clothes lol. I hope your doing ok pet

I don't really think there was a reason for this post but hey.

Its half 6 in the evening and I've had 506 calories - 144 left. I got some galaxy hot chocolate and I would really love some but I think I'll have to keep it until tomorrow - Oh and I got a galaxy easter egg and 3 bars of choxolate at the shop today as well.

I'll have some tea instead and maybe half a can of soup - 89 cals again - so today was a total of 595 calories. Hope everybody has a good weekend.

Rachel x

Quick Update

Well I just weighed myself and I haven't lost anything - I haven't put anything on either but uh - I suppose I should be greatful at least I'm not gaining - 2.45 and so far if had -

• 1 can weightwatchers chicken noodle soup - 50 (you should really try this - it yummy and 50 cals for whole can)
• 1 Slice of bread with little bit butter - 134
• Tea - 64

So that is 248 so far - which leaves me with 402 for the rest of the day.

My bedroom should keep my occupied for a while - seriously its awful. I put my life in my hands everytime I come in here. And I am quickly running out of clean clothes so I really think I should do it: uh I'm just so lazy!

Rachel x

Followers - Comments - Good Mood - BingeDay - Dog

Thanks to my 5 followers - I never really thought - when I started this that anyone would actually read it. It's nice to know that people are - and comments - leave lots of comments I love reading them.

I am in quite a good mood today because it is 12.05 and I am still in bed, it is Friday (No college on Fridays) It is the start of my 17 day easter holidays - YEAH. And it is binge day tomorrow - I have collected quite a lot of stuff this week - So I'm looking forward to that.

I feel I have done okay this week - the highest cals were on tuesday - 620 - And my limit is 650. I think I'm going to hover over 650 because although I havent eaten over that I think if I lower it I might - If you know what I mean.

I think I'm going to get up now and walk my little dog - (she's actually not little - but she's so goddamn beautiful)
Rachel x

Teeth Pain :(

Okay my day isn't going so bad -It is 5 oclock in the evening with me and so far today I have had 254 calories - I am having soup for my dinner - chicken noodle its so yummy. and mayb some tea and jelly which means I'll be under my daily allowence by 138 - I have changed it to 650 a day. I hope where ever I am pulling this willpower outta I can keep on pulling. It doesn't even really feel like I'm trying to hard which is good but it is probably just the painkillers - I got my braces tightened early and they are killing me - but also means I cant really eat anything that involves me chewing it - so hopeful my low cal days will stick around.
How are you? As always leave me a comment and let me know - good or bad.
O and I'd like to apologise for my last few posts, I was on a bit of a downer last week - But I will try and bring more perkier posts. I feel alright - Today is a good day
Rachel x

Sorry

I haven't posted in a while. Just been a bit busy. It's half 7 at night here and today I've had 530 calories. Todays been ok I suppose, I don't know I think I'm just in a strange mood today. I don't know why.

I got a written warning in college today because I've stopped going to maths. It's crap though, it's only an equivilent so it doesn't even count. I failed my maths GSCE. I dont know wheather I failed because we had 13 differnt maths teachers in 5 years (yeh my skool really was that crap - its closed now) or the fact that I'm discalculic - It's like dyslexic but in maths, it just means I forget stuff I've been taught - But I just see at as another thing I can't do.

I sometimes feel like a bit of a fake because whenever I read or watch things on eating disorders, the thing that they all say is that people with eating disorders are perfectionistic, are extremelly smart or have wonderful talents or skills. I'm not any of these things, I came out of skool with 4 exams, I'm failing the course I'm doing at college, I have no special talents or skills or anything like that, I feel like a fraud - I don't feel I deserve to read any of your blogs because you are all such intellegent, talented and beautiful people.

I'm sorry I'm just a bit down at the minute - and tired. Hope your all doing a bit better than I am. If you've had a good day/week leave me a comment and tell me about - It may cheer me up to hear it - or if your having just as crap a week as I am tell me that to. I like reading your comments.

Again sorry for my strange rambles
Rachel x

Short

Hey sorry it's only a short post tonight I'm very sleepy just going to have a quick smoke and head off to bed, but I just wanted to tell that I ate 504 calories today! Now that might not seem all that great but I usually have trouble sticking to my 700 a day allowance so I was quite pleased with myself - two and a half cups of tea, diet coke, a small banana samwich and some soup. Hope everybodys doing alright and as always leave me a wee comment to let me know whats going on in your life - If you want to you can give me a wee email - if you want it leave me a comment and I will give it to you.
night everyone
Rachel x

Happy Mothers Day!!...

To any mothers out there!!

So today not so good - I got up this morning and give my mum her card and some chocolates, then went to see my granny with my sister and give her some flowers, then to my nannas - I had chocolates for her too. Then we went to a restaurant - me my mum, brother and sister... Chicken goujons... and half a small pavlova... thats it. Well I say it but I shouldnt of had it especially the day after binge day. Binge day was good yesterday I had a big bar of galaxy, my thorntons chocolates - about 15 - pasta and cheese, 3 mini muffins, two wee buns, sweets, a few chicken nuggets and a few wee sausages - I purged...

Tomorrow is a new day... I am not having lunch at college any more, I can't - we go to the same place every day and all they do is bagels - I know that sounds really bad but the town where I go to college is a shithole so it's either that or a chippy... Im going to drink some tea while my friends have bagels and just drink diet coke throughout the day, I dont think it will be to bad as I am getting really sick of bagels - we have been going to the same place since september.

In other news I have lost a pound as of friday. I know big whoop but it all helps I suppose. I am starting to eat a lot more salads than I used to and enjoying them, which always helps. I dont eat the same dinners as my mum and brother anymore I just have my salad or some lowcal soup. I always go to bed for a few hours after college so Im sleeping while they are eating so they never really question it.

I really want to get down to 99Ibs (7 stone) by the time I go back to collge after easter - Im 8 stone (112Ibs) at the minute - I think its about 3 or 4 weeks. Is that asking to much? Do you think I can do it?

How are you doing?? Yes YOU... anything strange or startling going on in your life at the minute?? Share with me...

Anyway I hope you are all doing well - and better than me

Stay Safe - as always
Keep smiling

Rachel.x

Thank you

To anyone that prayed for my little cousin (BlAnCh) thank you - she had her operation yesterday and all went well - shes home and everything so thanks.

My Birthday!!

I know I said I would blog yesterday about my birthday but I was so tired - I had the best day, I took the day off college and went to see my daddy and he took me out for lunch. I had no meat just a bit of mashed potatos and lots of veg, then I had half of a chinese takeaway with my mum, sister and brother, then the smallest bit of cake - then nothing until 12 oclock today. I didnt really do very much but it was just a really nice day - I got £200, which will come in usful as I want to learn how to drive like really bad lol and I got 2 pairs of the most beautiful shoes and its really hard to get me nice shoes because I have such tiny feet - Im a UK 1 (sorry Im not sure what that is in american sizes) but its a wee childs size - so theres very few places I can go. I got lots of make up and a really nice braclet and games for my playstation lol Im a big child. Oh I was 17 by the way.

I couldnt count exactly how many cals but I was careful not to eat to much and Im pretty sure I managed to stay with my daily allowence.

Today I have had 647, I might have half a cup of tea later (32 cals) and some more diet coke (3) which will bring it up to 682 so I will still be within my allowed amount of 700 - does that seem like a lot??be honest.

Im really lookin forward to binge day (I dont know if Ive mentioned binge day?? If I havent its this: I will decide an amount of calories I am allowed at the beginning of my week (sunday) and if I only eat that amount everyday sunday - friday then I have a binge day on saturday which is all the things I havent allowed myself during the week I put in a box in my room and eat them all on saturdays - sometimes I purge - sometimes I dont, it depends. but im really looking forward to it this week because I have two big bars of galaxy, a box of thorntons chocolates, one cake and half of another - a wee chocolate bun thing and pasta and cheese, and a pasty my nanna made (I dont know if you have pastys in america - but they are just pastry with beef and potato inside it - they yummy) and any other little delights I find in my kitchen. Ive a feeling I'll be purging this week. I know that may sond like Im cheating but its a way to control my cravings - If i want something insead of eating it I put it in my box and know I'll be getting it on saturday - It works.

Yeh another follower. I gots 3 now. Thanks it means a lot that people actually read this - and leave comments - I like reading them - tell me how you are - Id like to know - weather its good or bad

Hope everyones having a good week

Stay safe
Rachel x

Uh.....

Im in one of those strange moods where Im just to tired to do anything - even to tired to sleep - if that makes any sense. I have lots to do though - I have to tidy my room, shower, get about 3 assignments done and walk my dog.

Food wise... not great, Im still within my allowence for today - with just enough for my salad and maybe a cup of tea later but I'd rather finish the day knowing I had a few to spare instead of eating right up to the very last calorie.

Yeah two followers - thanks andy.

I hope everyone is doing alright
Hopefully get blogging tomorrow
The next post will be better theres not much structure to this one

Oh and if there is anyone religious reading, please say a prayer for my baby cousin, she has an operation in the morning. I always say I odnt believe in god and I dont think i do put in case Im wrong Id like there to be someone looking after her.

Stay safe
Rachel x

Follower :)

I went over my limit today. It was only by a few cals, maybe 40? See I have a routine where I eat a certain number of calories every day sunday to friday (this week its 700) if I only eat this number of calories then on saturday I can have a binge day - which is exactly what it says on the tin - all the things im not allowed during the week goes into this binge day. I have gone over today but Im going to lower tomorrows allowance to 600 because Im really going to need my binge day this week - Its my birthday on wednesday so theres going to be left over cake and generally lots of crap food in my house this week - so Im going to collect it during the week and put it in my box in my room for saturday.

I had a salad today for my dinner it was yummy...
I have lots of coursework to do but Im too tired right now

Ill hopefully get bloggin tomorrow, but if not defo wednesday to let you know how my birthday went and by YOU i mean BlAnCh - the very first follower of my brand spanking new blog. Thanks! :)

How are you? Anyone leave me a comment and tell me how your day, week is going - I would like to know

Rachel

Not good

Okay well I was saying about how I stay awake every other night to disipline myself, well thats not going to happen anymore - I just cant do it. I told myself that night time would be a good chance for me to catch up on coursework and stuff like that, but it rarely happened because I was so tired. Then yesterday morning I just felt dreadful. I felt like I was on a really strange kind of high, I felt so relaxed. But then I was just so lethargic I couldnt do anything. My teacher started talking to me and I feel asleep - I was sitting in upright in my chair and the next thing I remember is my best friend waking me up and my teaching looking at me as if I had 2 heads. I just said I wasnt feeling well she seemed alright with it. I came home and went to bed at about half six and slept right through until half 7 this morning. So im going to have to find something else to use to disipline myself. Or just work harder on what Im meant to be concentrating on - not eating so much

My new day, week, month thing couldnt have gotten of to a worse start. Yesterday I had 1266 and today 1253. Yeh they're really the numbers I wanna be seein!
I have so much coursework to hand in too - I think it's 3 or 4 and a half, 3 and a half of which should have been handed in about a week ago. But Im just so tired I cant be bothered doing them.

Uh sorry it's my second post and all I've done is complain, how are you? Let me know - really I'd like to know
R.x