Remember me??

Sorry I've been gone.

I'll be back tomorrow, so be prepared for a long post!!

I just wanted to say Happy New Year!!

And thank you to all of you, I really mean that, every single one of you mean so much too me, and have gotten me though some pretty tough days.

I plan to stop with all the moaning and despressiveness and just lose weight.

Thanks again, I love all of you so much.

xo

Busy, busy bee...

That's what I am at the minute!

Sorry I've sort of disappeared again, I'll explain all when I get back, which will be after Christmas.

Just wanted to say thank you to all you wonderful people, and thank you for all the comments and I'm really sorry I haven't got back to them, but I appreciate every word that you beautiful people take the time to type.

I am in good spirits at the minute, which makes a nice change.

I want to wish you all an amazing Christmas, and remember that Christmas is a time for friends and family and fun, not food, so please try and enjoy yourselves as best you can and make the decision that food WILL NOT ruin your day. Enjoy the time with your loved ones, you all deserve it much more than most.

I love you all very much and thanks again

xo

The Mockingbird

I can see that Mockingbird

I can see that mocking bird, For years he has followed

Now I don't believe a word, I can see that mocking bird

I know he'll never leave though his taunts can't hurt

But when he flies, He's singing lies

And when he flies, He's singing lies

He will never leave my side, Brave though he is I know the countless times he tried

He will need my fear and pride I know he'll never leave and I cannot hide

But when he flies, He's singing lies

And when he flies, He's singing lies

I can see that bird of shame, I won't be ruled by anger and I won't play the game

I can see that bird of shame I'm stronger than that now, I won't bare the blame

But when he flies, He's singing lies

And when he flies, He's singing lies

I can see that mocking bird, for years he has followed now he's seen but never heard

I can see that mockingbird I know it's there behind but his taunts can't hurt

But when he flies, He's singing lies

And when he flies, He's singing lies

And in his bird disguise, He's singing lies

And it'll make you cry, He's singing lies

You'll never know...

The beautiful Anafly posted this a few days ago, and it was the most real thing I had ever read about eating disorders, and those with them. It showed that we are not what people think. We don't want a bit of attention, we don't want the boys to notice us. We don't want to be models. This says what the magazines never would. If anyone in magazines is looking a bit skinny these days they are immediately plastered with the label of 'Anorexic', and the majority of the time this is not true at all. This piece of writing says what it is really like to have this all going on in your head everyday and that weight-loss is just a symptom, and a very small one at that. But it just so happens to be the one symptom that people take notice of.

The Anafly

If you haven't already, check out her blog, she is amazing.

I just wanted to put this on so if anyone reads my blog and doesn't understand, or thinks I'm just bored so decided to have an eating disorder, then they can read this and hopefully see that this is actually serious.

So here it is:

Eating disorders are diseases of silence. We are all silently screaming for something: attention, love, help, escape or forgiveness. Although we might be looking to fill different voids, we never ask for the things we need. We feel unworthy, that for some reason we don't deserve them. So, we play the game of guess what I need from you. You're inability to guess just feeds our feelings of worthlessness.

When you finally realise there is a problem, it is much too late. We will now fight, lie, and cheat to hold on to the one thing that has given us support. You see the symptoms, weight loss, weight gain, or depression. You watch us starve, eat, purge, and isolate. You tell us to eat or not eat, to sleep or to get up and do something, you can't understand why we can't just get better.

If it were only that easy! Some of us have been living with this, like this, for half our lives or more. We honestly believe it is the thing holding us together. Even when all others see it as the thing that's making us crumble to pieces. It is not just a part of us, but it has become us. It is our identity and who are we without it? Many of us are afraid to find out. Fearing without it we are nothing.

It becomes our sole companion. It is the thing that makes us strong, so that we don't need, don't want and don't feel. It is our cape of invisibility. With it on you can not see us, you can not see our pain and shame, we begin to disappear. Slowly at first and then before you know it we are gone. Lost in a world of pain. Always fighting for control that we never seem to get.

In the beginning the control is easy and the high from it incredible. I can not eat for 4 days, I can exercise for 4 hours a day, or I can throw up everything I eat. I am in control. But somewhere along the road we lose that control and the eating disorder takes on a life of its own. We no longer control it. It controls us. We wake in the morning hearing it's voice and can't sleep at night because that voice is too loud.

We stop listening to anybody except our eating disorder. We believe we are fat, useless, unworthy, unlovable, and weak. We honestly believe that losing weight will on some level make things better. We wake up with thoughts of food; they consume us all day long, and often cause sleepless nights. It becomes all that matters. We listen to the voices that constantly tell us we are not good enough, thin enough, strong enough, a little more and then we can stop. But there's always a little more and it doesn't stop.

You may see us hurting ourselves and not understand; we do not really understand either. We know we must lose weight. We know we must punish ourselves when we feel guilt and shame. We use laxatives, exercise, sleep deprivation, and self-mutilation to take away the pain. Many of us get to the point where the pain is too much and the road so long, we decide it is just not worth it. Since we have no worth, the world will not miss us. If we could just disappear, the pain would go away and we would no longer hurt others with our problems.

Death becomes a way out. Can't live forever with an eating disorder, can't live without it. It becomes the question we will ponder for many, many years before having a definitive answer. Do I want to live? Why? Our reasons not to live may seem mundane to someone without an eating disorder. You can not feel our emptiness or understand our loneliness.We can't share this world of silence we have made for ourselves. It is the thing that may have saved us in the past and might kill us in the future.

You look at the consequence and can't imagine why we would do this to ourselves. We are losing our hair, rotting out our teeth, bleeding when we throw up or even just brush our teeth, dizzy, tired, dehydrated, malnourished, and mentally unstable. And at some point these things do scare us. The first time throwing up blood, passing out cold or being admitted is an eye-opening experience, but not usually enough to stop the behavior. Some of us might even see these consequences as reinforcement that we are succeeding at something.Look, I'm really good at being eating disordered!

To give that up would be giving up a piece of us that we aren't sure we can live without. It is with us in the morning, telling us to get on the scale for the first test of the day. Even if the number is down it's never good enough. Then taking a shower where we close are eyes because the sight of ourselves is so disturbing. Next is finding something to wear. This can take hours because nothing fits right and everything feels tight. After all of this it's time for breakfast? No way we can eat after that disappointing morning.

The day goes on in the same manor. Nothing is good enough, nothing quite right. So we push our selves to eat less, run faster, dance longer, whatever we are doing we must be the best. Then comes night, where the distractions of the day aren't there to drown out the voices. Sleep is difficult when thoughts of hopelessness, self-hate, failures and suicide ruminate for hours. So instead of trying to sleep many of us spend endless hours on our computers, exercising, reading, cleaning, anything to avoid sleeping. We eventually sleep usually for just a few short hours, and then the cycle begins again. Only now we have to beat the day before, weigh less, eat less, do more. By our side our faithful coach and partner filling our heads with criticism, demands and insults.

Although we say we hate the voices and the disorder. We don't hate it all. We love the high of seeing the number go down. We long for that empty, numb feeling that comes with starvation. We thrive on what begins as compliments and turns to worry about our weigh loss.The disorder is the thing that makes us feel strong and special, while at the same time letting us disappear and run away from life.

We will say we don't want your help. Sometimes because we are in denial and actually believe things are fine, sometimes we feel guilty receiving help, because we feel unworthy, and sometimes it has just gone on so long that we have given up hope and accepted that "I will live with this until it kills me".

When we say we don't want your help, those are the times we need it the most. We need you to stand up for us when we can barely stand, love us when we hate ourselves, hold our hope when we feel hopeless, and never give up on us, the way we give up ourselves.

We will push you away. We will make you angry with us. We will tell you we don't need you and to leave us alone. We will throw temper tantrums and even throw food. We will close up and lock you out. We will blow off important appointments. We will do the things we've been told we can't, exercise, chew gum, drink Diet Coke,we will push every limit. We do not do these things to hurt you; we are just scared and feel threatened. You want us to give up something we can't imagine living without.

It still amazes me...

That you care enough about me to say such lovely things.....

It feels like Christmas. I put the Christmas tree up last night. And it has been snowing on and off since Sunday night. I have been making Christmas decorations with my nanna and little cousin for the past two weeks. Christmas presents are, well non-existent at the minute actually. Well I have my sister sorted for Christmas.

I have annoying people who have birthdays in December. My nanna's tomorrow, my best friends on Saturday, my dad on the 19th and my sister on 23rd. So I have birthdays to buy for as well.

I do love Christmas, I really do. I'm a big child.

This will be my first Christmas as an adult.

I will be one of those people though, who only grows older in numbers.

I will be young forever.

I wish I didn't have to eat again.

I can eat everything or nothing.

There are no inbetweens with me.

So tomorrow I will eat nothing.

I will see 105.5 again, by Monday.

I will weigh myself in the morning, so I know how much I've to lose.

I haven't cut since the last time I posted about doing it, but I've noticed that I get an urge to cut when I'm healing, when it looks like the little marks might fade away. I don't have any intentions of cutting anytime soon. The last time was obviously a bit deeper because the marks are clearly visible.

Why can I not them fade away?

Thank you all again for being so wonderful

xo

But I was doing so well...

Last week was good, I barely ate anything, I lost 2Ibs in ONE day! I got a new low weight!! I weighed 105.5Ibs!

Then I fucked it up. Again.

I don't know what I weigh now, I'm too frightened to even look.

Purging used to come so easy, I used to love the feeling of getting rid of all my sins, but now I can't sum up the energy to even try.

I don't want to be fat for Christmas.

I am always fat at Christmas.

I want the hunger highs again.

I wouldn't just enjoy them

I'd be fucking delirious with them.

Thanks for the comments.

Thank you so much

xo

My mind is a fucking minefield...

I can't keep up with my own thoughts, I don't think my own thoughts, they are just there. I mean I couldn't possibly think them, because if I did, I would know what they meant, wouldn't I?

I have noticed on the blogs I follow, that a lot of people deny to have eating disorders, they won't let themselves believe what they are doing is extremely unhealthy and potentionally very dangerous. But I think that is a natural reaction. It is so much easier to say that you are just a bit of a fussy eater than say your life is controlled by something that you cannot control. Because being a fussy eater is just something you are, something people let you be. Something that doesn't need to be 'fixed'. Where as an eating disorder is a problem that WILL get sorted weather you like or agree to it or not.

I have an eating disorder. As much as I hate to admit it. That's what it is. I am not a fussy eater. I am not just 'a bit different'. I am not of a sound mind, but I am sane enough to know this. A 'normal' person does not stray away from social situations because there will be food that they will have to eat in front of people, with them looking at every bite, and judging.

Normal people are not accustomed to ramming down every morsel of food they can into their damaged, scarred bodies, they do not feel the need to eat so much that they feel like they will actually die unless they force their fingers to the back of their throat. They do not lie to everyone that loves them about their habits.

They do not have ridiculous phobias of baked bean when they can eat spaghetti hoops, of ketchup when they can eat tomato soup, of JAM.

I wish so much to be thin, to be so thin that it is clear to everyone that I am ill.

But I don't want people to worry. I don't want people to notice. I don't want people to stop it.

I want to feel emotions. I want to be able to tell what emotion I should be feeling at a given time.

I want to be normal, but I don't want to be the same as everyone else.

This is not a negative post. I'm not anymore 'sad' than usual. I'm just confused.

Thank you for all the lovely comments, I do not deserve such kindness, I have done nothing to warrant your generous words.

x

Followers!!....

All 120 of you!! When did that happen???

Thank you, a lot!

When I started this lil blog of mine, I thought if I get 15 followers I'll be ecstatic, so thank you!

If you have followed me and I haven't followed you, please let me know because I like to read new blogs and follow. It makes me feel quite special that people take the time to read and comment and follow and I'd like to be able to do the same.

Oh and I was thinking about doing another one of those 'about me' posts, but the ones that are on the internet are all the same sort of questions I've already done. So if you want to know anything about me, or have any questions about ED or otherwise, please let me know and I'll try and answer them as best I can.

I hope you are all having a good weekend.

xo

Holly...

I love Holly very much.

She was the very first person to comment and follow, this wee blog of mine, back in February 2010. She has a blog but I don't know how to do links. She was also known as bLaNcH or BlAnCh - I don't remember which.

We left each other comments and a while later exchanged email addresses and now almost a year and 9 months after her first comment, we still email. A lot.

She is someone that listens, that understands, that cares and that helps.

We have been there for each other through happy times and sad times, school stress, exams and coursework panics, weight loss and weight gain. And unfortunetly even a death. We have emailed through everything.

She makes me feel better and makes me feel positive when all I want to do is crawl up into a ball a die. She makes me smile.

Holly lives in Australia, I live in Ireland.

I hope we can meet someday because it would be a horrible thought to think I could never meet the person who has pulled me out of some pretty rough times.

We have a very special bond I think, we understand each other completely and we know that sometimes tough love is what the other needs when one of us is particularly 'down'.

I am more glad than I can say that I found Holly, because I couldn't imagine getting by without our emails after so long. I am glad I have found someone who does the same things I do.

But then the less selfish part of me thinks about the horrible and sometimes horrific things I have done do myself over the years, and it breaks my heart to think of Holly doing those things too.

I would give anything to undo the pain she has gone through, the things she has done. I would give anything for her to have never felt bad enough about herself to end up the way I have.

Even though that would mean I would have never 'met' her.

Holly, you are such an incredible and beautiful person and I love you so much, You will always have a place in my heart and I really mean that.

xo

If a great wave shall fall, It'll fall upon us all...

Thank you so much for your comments on my last post.

I tried to make my dreads the main focus of that picture. I am not the most photogenic person, I really don't like photo's of me. The only photo's with me in them are usually with friends.

I want pictures of me and my friends because I like to look back, I don't want to look back and see my friends in pictures doing all these wonderful things, while I know I was the one taking the picture because I couldn't bear to be in them.

To be honest the only time I feel half normal is when I'm with my friends, especially Kathryn, so I want to have some evidence of me actually being there.

My dreads are only 6 weeks old, which is why there don't look all that great, but they are getting there and hopefully won't be long until they're all tightened up.

Hope everyone's doing okay.

Thanks again for the comments

xo

Ahh!!!!.... Fuck it, here goes...

Moon, Lovely Me, Anafly, PerfectingMyEmptiness and Miss Alisha. Thank you. Like a lot!!

To be honest I didn't think anyone would really read my last post, and I thought if they did they would only read a bit. So thank you.

I love Blogger and I love blogging, but as I'm sure a lot of you know, when I get a bit down or sad I tend to disappear for a few weeks, which I don't really like doing because I miss you, but I don't really like boring people with my bad moods.

But if anyone would be interested, I could do different posts, like maybe some random posts, like my dogs, my dreads, random pictures, music etc. Like maybe if you wanted to ask me stuff about ED or just me, or maybe something you'd like me to write about.

Just something that isn't just me wittering on all the time.

I don't really know, but if you would have any ideas or something let me know.

I think I would just like to show that I'm not as miserable as some of my posts sound. Like I do get very sad, but you know not all the time.

Just something that shows I'm not just my ED.

I don't know, let me know what you think.

Okay a lot of you said you would like to see me, so I thought about it, and kind of freaked out. I don't know why, because I know none of you would turn around and just go, 'Eww', I do know that but it's just one of those things yana?!

Then I told myself to man up and just do it, so here goes:

That's why I said 'purple-ish' lol, the colour is growing out and looks a bit crap at the minute.

And just to clear up, I'm not trying to be like a Rastafarian or anything like that, here dreads are a bit more of a hippie thing. My brother calls me a tree-hugger lol.

Please excuse the crap picture but I can't take pictures of myself, it took ages to get one that didn't look like I was incredible pain.

Thanks again for all the lovely comments.

I hope everyone is enjoying the weekend.

Oh and too those in the UK, were you pissed of at the Xfactor just not being on for 20 minutes. I was panicking like a bitch.

Oh and too show some loyalty to a fellow countryman or woman even -

COME ON JANET!!!

xo

Who am I?...

After quite a few 'heavy' kind of posts later, I thought I would do a kind of 'about me' post, just random questions about me, so you can know me rather than my eating disorder. Because believe it or not, I'm not all doom and gloom. So here goes, hope you enjoy it:

1. What is your best friends name?

Kathryn :)

2. What colour underwear/boxers wearing now?

Pink :)

3. What are you listening to right now?

Wherever you will go by Charlene Soraia

4. Whats your favorite number?

53

5. What was the last thing you ate?

Thortons chocolate

6. If you were a crayon what color would you be?

Purple

7. How is the weather right now?

Wet, windy and miserable

8. Who was the last person you talked 2 on the phone?

My Auntie Julie

9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

Eyes and smile, and if they make me laugh, but I notice these things with everyone...

10. Do you have a significant other?

No

11. Favorite TV show?

Absolutely Fabulous

12. Siblings?

An older brother, and an older sister

13. Height?

4ft 10 (Not a typo, I'm actually that short)

14. Hair color?

I have purple-ish Dreads

15. Eye Color?

Grey/blue

16. Do you wear contacts?

No

17. Favorite Holiday?

London for my 18th Birthday

18. Month?

August, the weathers really good and it's my little dogs birthday month :)

19. Have you ever cried for no reason?

Yup

20. What was the last movie you watched?

Footloose! Was actually really good! Go watch it...

21. Favorite Day of the Year?

Christmas, or 1st October (The day I brought my puppy home :) ))

22. Are you too shy to ask someone out?

If sober lol

23. Can you do a headstand (not using the wall)?

No :( Although I think I can when I'm drunk, I'm actually quite the talented when stocious!

24. Hugs or Kisses?

Hugs! Lots and lots of hugs!

25. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Chocolate, but I love vanilla in my coffees!

26. What books are you reading?

The last thing I read was about Ade Edmondson in a newspaper, (Love him :) ) haven't read a book since Harry Potter and that was ages ago

27. Piercings?

Just my ears

28. Favorite movies?

Matilda, Drop Dead Fred, Pirates of the Caribbean - Anything Disney :)

29. Favorite football Team?

I prefer Rugby :) and Rugby team would be Cymru!! :) (Wales)

30. what were u doing before this?

Looking for it...

31. Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn?

I only like butterkist popcorn, I hate cinema popcorn

32. Dogs or cats?

Dogs!!

33. Favorite flower?

Just nice big bright flowers

34. Been caught doing something you weren't supposed to do?

Yeh, smoking behind the mobiles in high school far too many times...And the odd drunken antic

35. Do you have a best friend of the opposite sex?

I used to have a few, but not really anymore

36. Have you ever loved someone?

I love lots of people :) (But in 'that' way, no I don't think so)

37. Who would you like to see right now?

My best friend, Kathryn

38. Are you still friends with people from kindergarten?

I think that's the same as Nursery here, so yes, one. We're not exactly friends but I still know him and we'd still talk if we saw each other

39. Have you ever fired a gun?

Only a paint ball one lol :)

40. Do you like to travel by plane?

No, hate it, completely unnatural!!!

41. Right-handed or Left-handed?

Ima lefty!!!!! :) yeh

42. How many pillows do you sleep with?

2

43. Are you missing someone?

Yeh, Kathryn :( I haven't seen her in 2 weeks, that's a long time for us

44. Do you have a Tattoo?

Yes! I have two little butterflies on my right wrist and I love them! :)

Okay, probably not the most interesting 'about me' you've ever read, but that's me.

If you've read this far, thanks, and well done....

xo

Rememberance Day

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

11.11.11

Miss Alisha and Lucy's Shadow...

Don't really know what to say other than thank - you. Thank you so much for caring.

That's still a big thing about blogger that I can't seem to get my head around, the fact that you care. About me.

I did cut.

But it's not that bad. I have never been a deep cutter, just enough to draw blood and feel it. I do it on my thigh. No-one ever sees my legs, even before the scars.

I do have scars and it's plain to see how they were caused, but they don't bother me that much, because I'm the only who sees them.

Although they have been there for a while, I don't think I'll have them for life.

I feel more positive today, I lost a pound from yesterday. I weighed myself about half an hour ago before I came up to bed and was still the same as this morning, which is amazing! I gained nothing all day, so hopefully I will get another good loss tomorrow.

I'm sorry Lucy and Alisha, but know that I'm only doing visual damage, and that will be the last time for a while.

Thank you again for caring.

And Alisha, please do what you can to keep the eating disorder out of your life, please don't let it creep back in.

xo

Well I hope there's someone out who can bring me back to you...

I was 3.4Ibs lighter on Friday than I am today, Tuesday.

And I can feel every ounce.

And it disgusts me, more than I can even put into words.

My mind is fucking with me, it embeds things that I know cannot be possibly true, but it makes me believe them. But they are not even lies about my body. They are lies that I would give anything to be true.

So sometimes I let myself believe them, when I get really sad. I will let myself escape in them.

So now I must go and cut into my leg to try and distinguish weather I actually am real or not...

x

I love you all quite a lot...

I really do, you are all cool!

I'm crap with replying to comments as I'm sure you've all noticed, but I read and appreciate every word. I promise I'll get better at relying to them.

Believe it or not I do love replying to comments, because I like being able to (hopefully) give support like you have to me.

I have gained weight the past couple of days, but I'm trying to remain positive. And I will lose it again very soon hopefully.

There are a few of you that I feel I 'know' better than others, and some who I exchange comments with more than others, and names I am more familar with (and the American spell-checker says that familar is spelt wrong and that spelt isn't a word, what the fucks-up with that!)

but I really do have a love for each and every one of you, that has said a nice word, given support or even only read my ramblings.

Seriously spell-checker is a bitch!

Any Americans out there, do you really not have 'spelt' as a word??

(Oh and just to say, I know that America and UK do have different spellings of words, and I'm not saying anything bad about that, just about how spell-checker is American when I'm in the UK)

Just wanted you to know I wasn't slagging anyone off lol, cause I love you all even if you do spell colour without a 'u' - Oh I've set of the little red line again....

xo

Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again...

I hate to say it again, but sorry.

I don't know why I always apologise but it's just something I do.

And thanks...again.

You are all truly wonderful!

I wish I could figure myself out, I really do.

I feel... well actually it doesn't matter what I feel because I 'feel'.

I think it has passed and left me alone for another little while.

I don't know why I get my 'sad times' but for now, I don't feel quite so, not there. When I get sad I feel like the last tiny part of me is being taken away, like my mind is all but gone.

Then I wake up and for no apparent reason, 'I' come back. I am allowed back.

I don't know if you can tell or not but this post is positive.

I have managed since Monday to eat a little bit less than the day before, which I'm quite happy about, and I have lost weight since Monday. Which I am also happy about.

I have set myself a weekly goal for the rest of November to lose 2Ibs every week. Although this is less than I would like, there is nothing to say I can't lose more, I just want to make goals that I can stick to.

So by the end of November I aim to weigh 99Ibs.

I hope to be able to comment again, and be able to write positive words.

I'm sorry again for being so miserable, you are all incredible and I feel so very lucky to be part of this little community.

I love you,

And I really do.

Tears...

Thank you, your comments made me cry. And I don't cry. I still find it hard to accept that you all care, but I appreciate it, A lot.

I hate to say it, but the only word I have to describe me right now is hopeless.

I feel very little at the minute. I would say I feel numb, but that can't possibly be a feeling, can it?

I have gone through periods like this before, where I'm a bit more unhappy than usual.

This will, I'm sure, like the others pass.

But until then I don't really know.

I can't even really be bothered stringing a proper sentence together.

I always said I would be in control.

But I'm not.

I'm really not.

This thing, whatever it is, is eating away at me, one tiny bit at a time.

She doesn't want me here, she wants me out of this body, so she can fix it and make it thin.

I need to do it myself fast or I will die, trapped inside this body, while she takes over.

I may have gone mad.

But to be honest,

I can't really tell.

Sorry...

I have become very unreliable, I say I am back then I leave again.

I say I'll blog more. And I don't.

I say I'll comment more. And I don't.

Sorry.

THE WORST FEELING OF ALL

IS SAID TO BE FEELING NOTHING AT ALL

FEELINGS PUT TO ONE SIDE

THERE IS NO WHERE TO HIDE

Nothing by Nathan Swensons

Not sure.

I write in my calorie book everyday.

I weigh myself everyday.

I record it everyday.

Nothing seems to be changing.

Except...

I feel a little bit sadder every day.

I lose a little bit more energy every day.

I lose a little bit more enthusiasm every day.

I love my little dog so very much.

She makes me feel very almost human.

She looks up at me with her beautiful big eyes.

She looks up at me just bursting with love.

I know by looking at her that I have an unconditional bond with someone.

Someone who will always be there.

Someone who will always be glad to see me.

Someone who makes me feel less worthless.

And all I have to do is walk her, feed her, give her water, clean up after her and let her sit with her head nuzzled under my jacket, holding her close when the fireworks scare her.

Oh and of course give her treats and the odd belly rub.

To my little Cassie, I am the most important person in her world.

Me.

Little old me.

I am her everything.

And she shows me this everyday by giving me a little lick on my chin.

That is the best feeling.

It's been a while...

Yeh so new laptop charger arrived, so I guess I'm back, this won't be long, I just wanted to let you know that I'm back.

Thank you for all the comments you left me, it still amazes me how much you all care even when I'm not here, so thank you.

I want to try and get up-to-date with all your blogs again, so I probably won't blog again until that is done.

Thanks again, you are all wonderful people and I love you all, quite a lot.

xo

Jus a lil update...

Sorry its been so long,buh my laptop charger is fucked. On my phone at the minute. Thank u all so much for your beautiful comments on my last post. My phone is retarded and wont let me post comments,buh i really appreciate every word. Still no luck on the job front but im wrkin on it! Still going to the gym and food is ok. Im maintainin at the minute which is better than gaining. Oh an i have a twitter so if u want to follow me, please feel free - RachelJHewitt
thanks again, hnpe your all doing ok. Talk soon

The world is moving so quickly, life is moving on.

People are excited, they are growing up, they are moving on.

They are having fun and they are on their way to making something wonderful of themselves.

They are forgetting mistakes they made when they were young and knew no better.

They have forgotten those who weren't always kind.

And then there's me.

I'm still here.

Still Sitting.

In the exact same place as I was 6 years ago.

I haven't moved on, I haven't moved on at all.

I am so unhappy.

I am sitting here.

I have a tear stained face.

I have bleeding, scarred legs.

I have a hole where my soul should be.

I have died on the inside,

A long time ago.

Life is racing by and all I can do is watch.

I've learned to live half alive.....

And now you want me one more time...

And who do you think you are

Running round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

Tearing love apart

Your gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me

Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are

Who do you think you are

Who do you think you are

Left Handers Day!!

Thanks very much with the guitar help! I will just have to keep persevering and hopefully it will pay off. I have a really cool looking guitar, even if I do say so much, it's an acoustic and it's pink, or yes you read right - pink. I'll post a picture of it soon if anyone would be interested it seeing it?

I have been thinking about this lil ole blog of mine and I think I wanna cheer things up a bit.

Yes I have an eating disorder and yes it takes up pretty much every waking thought, but I do, do other things, I have a life, well kind of. No I do just not a very interesting one, but still.

Would you guys like to see something a bit different? Like maybe more picture posts of everyday shiznic that I get up too, pictures of the little adventures me and Cassie go on (Cassie's my dog), random wee pieces of the normal part of me?

Obviously I'll still let you know how I'm doing with the old weight loss shiz and whatnot too.

Would anyone be interested in seeing any of that??

I just feel that sometimes this can be an awful sad place to come, and I love my blog and all of you and I would like to maybe bring a little bit of normality and positivity to you, maybe, if I can.

Let me know what you think, or if you have any thoughts or suggestions. Mucho appreciated.

xo

Oh yeh and it's left handers day today so if theres any fellow lefthanders out there Happy lefthanders day. Don't really know what it mean or if it entitles us to any perks for the day or anything but there you go.

Talk later

xo

Guitars??

Does anyone play a left handed guitar?? Does anyone actually just play any guitar?? Did anyone teach themselves??

If so please tell me how!! I'm really starting to believe that guitar playing is some kind of witchcraft because it is just impossible!!

Help please if you can.

Thank you for the wonderful comments, if you are following me and I haven't yet returned the favour, please let me know...

Much love

xo

Oh the power of movement...

I can now move again! Woo - hoo it feel amazing.

I have been barely able to walk most of the weekend. I am 18 and I have arthritis. Oh yes I really am an old lady! Not fun!

It's not bad all the time, sometimes I am completely fine, other times I will have pain but I can still carry on my day without too much bother and other times it flairs up something awful and I am completely debilitated for a few days.

Knees, legs, elbows, wrists, finger, shoulders, neck, back.

Oh it really is as delightful as it sounds!

Anyway I am for now able to move again and it feels great.

I am also feeling a bit more positive today, my mum has gone away for a week so I'm hoping that I can actually use this week in a productive way and not waste like like I have done in the past.

So here is to staying positive and strong!

How is everyone??

xo

Not sure anymore...

I don't like thinking that I have an eating disorder, for the whole six years I've been like this, I have tried to convince myself that it's not strange behaviour, but it is - It is disordered behaviour. And I need to face up to that.

I thought about it a lot and I thought well what am I then?? Anorexic, bulimic??

I think about food and calories and losing weight every waking moment, I want to be smaller, smaller, smaller. I want to be skin and bones, I want to not eat ever.

So I must be anorexic right? Or least getting there. I want to be emaciated - Anorexics are emaciated, so that must be it.

I'm not sure.

Yeh I have anorexic tendencies, I can on occasions control myself. Sometimes I can control myself extremely well.

Then other times I lose all control and I turn into a completely different person, I will become so ravenous and I will eat until I think I'm going to burst, then I will haul myself over the toilet and force my finger so far down my throat that for a few seconds I can't even breathe. Then I will get stuck in a rut.

I don't really like the label of EDNOS because that's not clear cut, I like things to have a definition, an exact cause, an exact cure, exact everything.

I know with eating disorders that nothing is exact. This is were I have conflict with myself, because I like everything to be clear cut, but I think that although eating disorders are clubbed together - they are not the same.

I don't understand how you can treat 50 anorexics in the same way for their disorder. Yes those 50 people may do similar things, have similar traits, but the reason they got the disorder, what they feel about it, how they function with their eating disorder in a day to day basis is completely different.

I don't really know how I got on to talking about all this - But I was watching youtube videos earlier (Yvonne Madden - LostLittleGurlyGurl) and she really got my thinking. I've watched her videos for a long time and I remember a few of her older ones when she was in the middle of a horrible case of bulimia, she was stuck in a rut of binging and purging every single day, of feeling tired and sore all the time, of not being able to sleep of being so depressed, and then this leading her back to binging and purging.

I have had a lot of periods like that, I will eat too much and purge will make it difficult to sleep, which leaves me tired and sore, which leads to me eating more and it really is a hideously vicious cycle.

I have had periods like that, that can go on for weeks, but then the times of being controlled and restricting and losing weight are usually only a few days. Why is this??

I try and make sense of everything but I have so many different thoughts running through my head all the time that it is impossible to grab one thought and hang on to it to make sense of it before the rest coming flooding though.

How are you suppose to carry on and live a normal life and think about normal things when everything is centred around these disordered thoughts?

Yvonne was also saying that you have to carry on living life, you can't just stop, yes you may have an eating disorder but you can't let the world pass you by. How do you do this? How does anyone do this?

My mind is fucking racing and it never stops.

PerfectingmyEmptiness...

If you don't follow her already then go do it now.

She is amazing, she is wonderful and she has such an incredible talent for writing exactly what I need to hear while all the time remaining honest. I am so grateful to have found her here. She is such a beautiful person and I love her.

Today was supposed to be me fasting to make up for the past two days, but my dad rang me and asked me to go out to dinner with him - I couldn't say no.

My and I have a strange relationship. I love him a lot but we don't really know each other that well. Him and my mum divorced when I was six and I have lived with my mum ever since, to him I am still that 6 year old little girl, something I have always known and something that he admitted to me tonight, which means that we don't have that much to talk about because he still sees me as that little girl. I don't see as much of him as I should, he lives only 10 minutes away from me but life gets in the way and I get used to not seeing him for weeks or months at a time, so I sometimes forget how long it has been. So I didn't like to say no tonight because to him that would have been me saying I didn't want to see him.

So it will be take two fast tomorrow.

The trouble with my mum and I has resolved itself for now. I say for now because it is never resolved, we just don't talk for a while then carry on like nothing has happened, until the next time.

The boy, I was him today, he came with me while I walked my dog, he understands about my mum as he has his own family troubles. He has moved in with a friend as he can no longer live at home. He lived with his grandparents because his parents both died when he was very young, for whatever reason things with his grandparents aren't going well, his grandad threw him out. This isn't me just being biased but he really didn't deserve it. He has to go and talk to them tomorrow, but I couldn't see him moving back home anytime soon, but the friend and the friends family are very good and said he can stay as long as he needs.

As for as us as a couple goes, he understands that I have other stuff going on, the same as he does. I was thinking about it today and is a saint for staying with me. I can be very temperamental at times, I can go for being 'happy' and 'fine' to cold and distant within minutes, so it must be very hard for him to try and understand me. I really like being with him, so I hope that once I lose weight and can get a small bit happier with myself that I can be more loving and a bit more like a normal girlfriend.

I know I said that I would comment more and I really haven't been, but when I'm in this kind of a down mood it's best for me not too because I have nothing helpful or productive to write. Hopefully I will get out of this rut soon and be more supportive to you all.

xo

Life is a whole pile of buggering bollocks...

It really is. Everything's fucked and that's just it.

I am trying to look for a job, I have applications sitting all around me but I can't fill them in on my own, they are complicated and I don't have a clue, but there is no-one to help. Even if I managed to do the forms and managed to get an interview - I have no confidence in myself so interviews are always shit.

No job means no money means staying at home means mother or myself will most likely end up dead.

Oh yes mother dearest and myself are fighting. Again.

She walks up to me yesterday in the street calls me a tramp and then leaves again. Said she was joking when I took offence to it. Well fuck me sorry for clearly having no sense of humour, just didn't think it was that funny.

Now have to put up with her acting like a child, silent treatment, door slamming etc, etc.

I am taking the opportunity and fasting for a day or two, as mother will not care or I doubt even notice.

I am sad at the minute.

Just sad.

I need a job so I can move out or I will go mad extremely quickly.

Best friend and boyfriend are aware somethings not right. I don't really have the energy to put my usually front on, don't think blaming my mood on being tired is really convincing them.

The boyfriend thinks I'm losing interest and that I don't trust him. Not true I'm just sad and I hate the fact that I can hardly bear to have him even hug me never mind anything else.

Don't know what's really going on with me right now. I just want to lose weight and starve all these feelings away.

xo

Woo - Hoo!!!!

That is all...... Eeee!!!!!!

x

Finally a good day...

So yeh I liked today, today was good.

521 calories eaten

319 calories burnt

202 calories net

Yeh I like that.

I'm a bit of a bum at the minute and really not enjoying it.

I set my alarm to wake me at about 8.30 every morning then fill my mornings/afternoons with dog walking and housework in a desperate attempt to stop myself from becoming extremely lazy, which would be very easy to do.

Right it's 1.35am so I'm off to bed.

This is me on my way to becoming a more regular blogger.

I hope you all have a wonderful day/night - whatever applies.

xo

Oh and Bella, thank you so much for your comment - it was so lovely - I was not expecting it at all and it really did bring a little tear to my eye. Thank you so much.

(Blogger won't let me click on you - don't know why - so that's why I'm replying here - Really hope you see it. Thank yo again.

xo

Mahossive Update...

Wow, so it's been a mad couple of weeks.

Let me fill you in...

My little story begins on Monday the 11th of July, to the majority of you this would have been just the start of a new week, but in Northern Ireland, this was the beginning of the 12th week. The 12th of July being one of the most celebrated days in the Northern Irish, Protestant calender. If you are not familar with Northern Ireland or the troubles or the religous difficulties of this wee country, I will not bore you with the details, but if you are familar I just want to tell you all that, I am in no way secterian, I do not judge or look at anyone through single minded eyes. Peoples religious or polictical views would never alter my views of them. I take people as I find them and I just participate in these celebrations because I enjoy the days off, I enjoy catching up with friends and I enjoy the days out. I just wanted to clear that up because I didn't want anyone to think I was some secterian little tramp. I'm not.

Anyway. The 11th of July, or bonfire night, is where my story of the past few weeks begin. The bonfires are great, I go every year and I love them. Basically fire wood is collected for months in the run-up to July and then it is stacked about 15ft in the air if not more and then set alight. I was there with my best friend, her little brother and three other friends, an adequete amount of alchohol had been consumed by all and everyone was having a good night, I was talking to the boy (the boy was my boyfriend for a very brief time last year) we were talking about us, about how things ended between us. He was texting another girl, I asked him was she was better than me, he said she didn't come close, he said no-one could come close, that I was different, I told him that I ended things because of how insecure I was, that I couldn't have him look at me because I hated how I looked. I said that I had issues with food and that I sometimes made myself sick. I told him that I hated seeing myself and that I wouldn't be something I could get over in a hurry. I told him that I couldn't sleep with him, and that I didn't know when I would be ready, I said that it wasn't because it would be my first time, if it was just that I could get over that, but because of everything else it would be hard, He told me he thought I was perfect but he understood and he would wait for me. So we decided to give us another go.

That was around the time bottles started flying over the wall were everyone was sitting watching the bonfire, this is the week in the year were the regious devide in Northern Ireland is all to present. Glass bottles were being pelted 5, 10, 20 at a time, everyone was trying to get their cars out and moved before they got hit, it wasn't too bad while we were still here and we left not long afterwards. We all went and sat in the park until about 3 in the morning, drinking and reminising about the days when we sat in the park and got very drunk when we were about 13, it's amazing all the wonderful memories you think you've forgotten.

We were more or less stranded in the villiage were we live for the next few days because there were riots in the town where the bonfire was.

We drunk the 11th, 12th, 13th, 14th and 15th. These days were all a bit of a fun blur, not because I was really drunk, just because we had done so much and so much happened. Most of these days were spent in the park and one of the night we went to a friends house, we all stayed the night, we got quite drunk and I decided it would be a good idea to get dreads put in my hair, they looked quite cool I must admit lol. I then got a fringe while drunk by someone who was also quite drunk but it turned out quite nice. I then feel asleep for a little while which did nothing for the dreads, but then had a really nice night with the boyfriend and my other friends. The day after this was one I will not forget for a while, we woke up hidiously hungover, and my Best friend took me and the boyfriend and our other male friend aside and said that she needed the morning after pill, so we had to go to the docotors in the village where we all live and they sent us somewhere else, so we went into town and they told us to come back we had to wait about 2 and a half hours, we went to McDonalds and the two boys had something disgusting from there and I smelt it and was sick in McDonalds toilets, oh yes it really was as dignified as it sounds! We go back to the doctors in town then to the chemist, so long and short of it is, everythings fine, the pill worked.

Me and kathryn decided to go out just the two of us to a bar in our village while the boys went to a friends, we were going to go there after the bar closed. We had a really good night, but as we were walking back she was telling me about how she knew I was a bit weird with the way I looked and that I didn't have to worry about anything. I sent her a text while walking beside her telling her that I thought I had an eating disorder.

She was brillient, I told her everything, I told her how I starved, how I binged and how I purged and how I'd been like this for so long. I even told her about cutting myself, she was angry at this, she wasn't angry with me she was angry that I could do it to myself, she told me how much she loved me but if she found out I'd cut again she would sort me out. She said she would be there for me and she said that I didn't need to lose weight but if I wanted to she would help me.

I couldn't keep it from her anymore, she knows every single thing about me, I have never kept anything from her before apart from this and I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't bear to lie to her anymore.

On Monday me and Kathryn went to see about getting a tattoo, the man took our ideas and said he would draw something up for us and we were to go back the next day.

The next day Kathryn rang me, I could tell in her voice that something wasn't right, I asked her what was wrong and she just burst into tears, all she could manage to say was 'he's dying', I felt sick to my stomach, I have never ran as fast in my life, I felt so sick running round to her, I got to her door and her mum answered with red eyes, I got the kitchen and Kathryn was standing there, cigarette in hand, eyes just as red and swollen as her mum's. I got to her and hugged her and she cryed, she just cryed. In all the 8 years I've known Kathryn I've seen her cry about 3 times. I asked where he was and she pointed to her living room, I walked in and he was lying there on the sofa with his head resting on his paws, the poor wee man. Murphy. Kathryn's beloved dog. Beloved by her and her family and most people who have ever met him, including me.

If you don't have a dog, this may sound strange to have this kind of a reaction to a dog, but if you do

have a dog, you will know that the friendship, the loyalty, always being there to greet you, and coming over to you when your upset and doing something cute that just picks you right up. It's all priceless. And Murphy has been doing that for Kathryn and her family for the past 15 years and for me for the past 8.

His heart is too big, it has grown twice the size it should be. He has fluid gathering around his lungs. He has trouble breathing at night.

He is still there greeting everyone as they come in, he is still doing all his cute wee things he always did. The vet isn't sure how long he has left, he said that it will probably be like a human having a heart attack.

Kathryn is 18 and Murphy is 15, she doesn't remember a time when he wasn't there. He is a massive part of their family. It is a massive thing to get their heads around, and mine.

We decided to go ahead and get the tattoo's because we had spent the day in Kathryn's house crying for the most part and we thought it would be good to get ourselves out of the house for a while. So we both got one. This is mine

<<<<<

Thursday we went to a birthday party. It was a fella we had gone to school with, he was 19, he got one of those bouncy castle slide things and put water, fairy liquid and baby oil all over it! Oh it was messy, me and Kathryn didn't get on it, because it was bloody freezing

Another friend was there, she got very drunk, she had a lot of vodka and a lot of buckfast, she was very sick, I sat with her because she kept falling asleep and I was afraid of her choking, she was alright after a wee while but she had jumped into the water before being sick and had lost her bra in the process somehow. But she was alright and it happens to everyone at some point.

Another two male friends were there, SB and SA, SB knew the fella whos birthday it was, SA did not, he knew no-one there except SB, me and Kathryn. SB got bored and went home without telling anyone, SA got extremely drunk and passed out, some of the other people at the party found this funny and decided to pour mayonnase on his face, he then came round and throw up all over himself, he wasn't in a good way so me and Kathryn tried to help him, we were trying to hold him up but he kept passing out and was just a dead weight so it was very hard, we got another fella to help us out to the car with him, kathryns dad brought him home and we had to get his mum up because he was so bad. It was really scary because we've never seen him in that bad of a state before. He's alright now though.

Me and Kathryn had a bet on to see who could hide their tattoos the longest. I won lol - I just told my mum in the end cause it's been really warm here and I was sick of covering up - I think she's alright about it, not thrilled, but I'm still alive so not too bad.

I also got a job interview in the clothes shop I worked in over Christmas, I loved it so it would be brillient to get back there again, but I had the interview on Thrusday and it was awful - I was far too nervous and it was just shit so yeh I'll not be getting that job!

I also left in an application form for other place and the bar where I live.

Right I think that's you all up-to-date. I will try and edit this to make it a but shorter, but I don't know how much shorter it will be.

If you have read to here then well done!

I will try and get back to regular blogging and comment more and get back to comments, I promise. Thank you to those who have commented lately, sorry I haven't got back to them, but I really do appreiate them. Thank you.

I have managed to get back down to 112Ibs which isn't great but considering I was 117Ibs a few weeks ago I'm alright about being 112.

Oh and I'm sure if you have read my blog before then you will know how much of a fan I am of Jennifer Saunders, she was awarded an honorary degree for her contribution to the arts as a writer, actress and comedian. I think this is extremely well deserved, as she is an incredibly funny person and amazing at what she does.

Right I think that's it now.

xo

Oh and if you have read until now, well done and thank you, here is a picture of my friends adorable little puppy and me...

I'm boring myself now...

Okay I know I've said it time and time again but I promise I will get better at this whole blogging thing. I promise I will post more frequently, I promise I will comment more and I promise I will reply to you lovely people when you leave comments.

I'm going to do an update soon, because I've quite a lot to tell you, if there is still anyone out there who is interested, which I very much doubt - but yeh an update will be coming soon even if there is no-one to read it. Then once I've done that I will start to become a much better blogger. There might even to pictures and everything lol.

Hope you are keeping well.

If there's anyone reading this, thanks for sticking with me.

xo

R.I.P Amy...

Amy Winehouse died today.

I know she had her problems, but I don't think anyone could deny her talent. She had an incredible talent to write and sing, she had an amazing voice and she seemed to have such a great presence.

She had her problems, as everyone does, hers were just made worse by the ever increasing appetite of the media.

She made mistakes and she made great music.

It's a real shame that she was unable to sort herself out and get better. Today the world has lost a greatly talented young woman.

At least now she can be at peace with herself.

As this great woman once said, “I don’t need help because if I can’t help myself I can’t be helped.”

Rest In Peace Amy......